Platonic versions matchmakers helpful w/ friendships w/HFA?

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Basically, quite a bit of the difficulties that HFAs have with developing, and maintaining friendships seems to share similarities with NTs uncertain about intimate relationships - which matchmakers may be of help!

I've discussed the need of having NTs or (HFAs who are NT-like) act as intermediaries in encouraging e.g. coaching the development of friendships. In short, such intermediaries exercise roles best described as something like, 'platonic matchmakers' (who if/when necessary can also exercise the roles of developing intimate relationships).

For lack of a better term, 'platonic matchmaking' best describes a very elusive concept; hence, much more discusison is needed.

Any specific experiences?

I don't think "platonic matchmakers" need to be NT or even particularly NT-like. For example, one part of my vision for my forthcoming website is that it would help autistic people find friends, by helping people find others who live near them and share their interests. Also, those of us who desire to build the autistic community should be thinking about how to organize in-person group meetings in such a way as to facilitate members finding potential friends.

Thank-you for your post!

Is AANE.org providing guidance - in developing a website to help people on the Autism Spectrum develop friendships?

From my own personal experiences, I would not condemn thoughtful NTs (or NT-like) having some experience with the Autism Spectrum. I'm currently having a terrific experience with an NT arts instructor from our local Community College offering arts programs for special-needs adults.

From my own personal experiences, I've even found that too much experience with the Autism Spectrum might not always be helpful -that is thoughtful NTs (or NT-like) are very important role-models towards navigating a largely Nt world. In an ever-more complex crazier world, we might just need to keep those thoughtful NTs close-by.

What is AANE.org's experience with having thoughtful NTs "in the loop?"

Nope. I asked, but the person in charge of AANE-NY is, apparently, too busy to give advice on anything nonroutine. The most she's willing to do, regarding advice about my hopefully forthcoming website, is to give me some feedback on it once I finally create it.


I wouldn't condemn them either. We should welcome their help; I just don't think we should rely on them exclusively. I think many of us underestimate both our own and other autistic people's abilities to develop worthwhile though unorthodox solutions to at least some of our problems.


That's great!


Yes, "thoughtful NTs" can give us very valuable help in navigating the NT world.

However, navigating the NT world and making friends with each other are two very different things. We shouldn't need NT's (or even particularly NT-like people) to help us make friends with other autistic people. We should be able to brainstorm, among ourselves, here in forums like Wrong Planet or in peer-led support groups, the best ways to make friends with each other.


I can't really speak for "AANE.org's" (the organization's) experience with anything, as I'm not involved in running the organization.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Nov 2019, 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think "platonic matchmakers" might send an implicit message that autistics aren't dating material. In order to avoid this message, what about "universal matchmakers". Like, you come to a matchmaker and say "I need one dating partner and around 5 platonic friends" and then they work at both.

Working at both is a bigger job than working at just one or the other.

Not necessarily. The starting point is the same: introduce you to someone. And then, as you proceed, you can figure out which goal it would end up being useful for.

Problem is, too many people don't think that way. Too many people pursue romantic relationships as if they were something completely separate from friendships. I personally don't think that's a good way of doing things, but, like it or not, it's what a lot of people do these days. Among other problems, dating services these days tend to be accompanied by a meat-market mentality.

Hence combining "platonic matchmaking" with a dating service is something that would need to be done very carefully, if at all. It would indeed be significantly more work than doing just one or the other.

Even if you think of it as completely separate, it can be done together too. Let me give you a career example. So I am interested in few separate areas of physics: most people in physics community aren't interested in the specific combination of areas that I am interested in: people that interested in one of my areas of interest aren't interested in the other one. So you might say that applying for jobs or conferences in one of my areas of interest is a "different task" from applying for jobs or conferences in the other area of my interest. But I am not separating the two. When I sit down on the computer to look for jobs, I look for jobs in all areas of my interest in the same sitting-down session. Similarly, when I look for the conferences, I look for the conferences in all of my areas of interest at the same time too.

So I am not sure why can't this be done with matchmaking. Just look at it as one giant puzzle and think of different clients both from perspective of who would match whom friend-wise and who would match whom dating-wise. Even if each client thinks of those two things separately, the matchmaker doesn't have to. So the matchmaker can sit down in the privacy of their own home, think of all the clients they have, and try to figure out who is better match to whom friend-wise and who is better match to whom dating-wise.

As a side note: the fact that people don't want to combine friendship and dating is something that I thought about for many years. One *theory* I have about it -- which most likely is wrong, I only thought of it because I can't think of any other theory -- is that women think of dating as some kind of superman context: their choice of man is the biggest, coolest man out there. Now, would the biggest guy in the room need friends? No, he is all so tough and macho, he doesn't need friends. So if a guy needs friends, then he would disqualify himself from being a dating material. Now, is this theory true or not? If this theory is true -- then this is why I take it as an insult when a woman puts me into a friends zone. If that theory is false -- then what is your theory?

I'm not saying that they can't be done together, just that combining them is more challenging than doing either one alone.

If one wants to do both, I would suggest doing just "platonic matchmaking" at first, and then maybe add the dating service later, once the "platonic matchmaking" is fully off the ground, and then only if, at that point, one feels that one can add it without negatively impacting the "platonic matchmaking" part of one's service.

Many people happen to "combine friendship with dating."

I agree.

My current and longest-lasting relationship evolved from a friendship that in turn evolved from a business relationship.

Personally I don't like standard "dating" at all -- it's too artificial and too much like a job interview (but with a pretense that it isn't). I'd much rather get to know people gradually, via common interests or other activities that bring us together naturally.

But it seems that most people in today's world are (from my point of view) weird about romance and dating -- which is why combining them in a single service aimed at the general public (or even just the autistic sector of the general public) could get complicated.

I've replied in the separate thread Friendship vs. romance? (to avoid derailing this thread).

Thank-you Mona for your feedback. It's good to see interest here on WP of what might specifically help those on the Autism Spectrum with friendships - hope to "keep the ball rolling!"

Have you investigated, or attended AANE's seminars in Boston? I'm on AANE's mailing-list- and receive notices of upcoming meetings; as chance to meet, and speak with people concerned with resources serving those on the Autism Spectrum.

I've read about the State of Massachusetts being "ahead of the curve" on resources serving people on the Autism Spectrum (I cannot locate the report). From what I remember, I sense that what I had read went beyond hearsay; hence AANEs seminars may be helpful.

No, I have not attended any AANE events in Boston. I've been attending AANE-NY's support groups in NYC, but it's not convenient for me to attend anything in Boston.

I very much doubt that a primary goal of autistic meetings should be to form friendships that eventually might turn into relationships.

I also think that many NDs that have trouble with friendships actually don't have any natural inclinations for friendships, and so cannot contribute something that would work for the collective as a whole. You might just as well define friendship in a way that works for NDs so they avoid getting exploited, or just use NT's way of doing it as a basis.

It's my firm belief that what many NDs need are relationships and not friendships, and so promoting the formation of friendships will be a poor idea if people want relationships and not friendships, especially given that many NDs cannot successfully turn friendships into longterm stable relationships. It would be a lot better to create an environment that would allow natural formation of relationships instead.