Struggling with Having a Reason to Live

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No, I'm not feeling suicidal right now (I was actually hospitalized last week and released yesterday, and am feeling better now), this is more of just an existential feeling. I'm trying to figure out if everyone has a reason to live, if no one does, or if some do and some don't, or whatever, and where I fit in all of it. I feel like I'm too tactless and clueless to get along well enough in life to keep myself and the ones I care about out of trouble (as an example, I gave a straight answer to someone today asking about someone I know and care about without even a moment of thought - it was just automatic - and probably got the other person in trouble for it). I seem to know how to "play the game" well enough, but wow do I feel like a sleezy psychopath every time I actually do it, so I generally avoid it and have slipped back into the antithesis of that (i.e. just giving a straight answer with or without hesitation). I want desperately to be able to "play the game" without hesitation and get away with it, yet actually feel good about it and like I haven't lost my authenticity as a human being.

Anyways, before I get too off topic, I just feel like I might not actually have a reason to live if I'm struggling with a very basic human behavior (also coupled with the fact that copulation seems like an impossibility for someone like me, and that, I would actually say, is a pretty important factor driving biological life - although maybe it just simply represents a balancing act to counter overpopulation...). I would argue that perhaps the reason I'm alive is simply to compose music and pursue other musical activities, but there are barriers to those as well (at least career-wise, more so than hobby-wise), so I don't really see how that's enough to keep me going. I just wish I was better with people and that it was natural, not learned empirically as I've come to understand a lot of people on the spectrum learn it.

Keep trying. Never give up. If you fail then at least you know you’ve tried. When you’re old and on your death bead you won’t be disappointed with yourself because you will know you did all you could do. Ever since I’ve moved out on my own I haven’t had any luck in my love life. I don’t even have any friends. But I won’t give up so easily.

There are 3 basic ones. Which one is the strongest depends on the situation, my mood and what is going on in my life. Sometimes one or two of them doesn't seem like truth but at least one of them is at any given time and at the best times of my life all 3 are valid.

1. I am curious about the world. If I die now I won't see the future and I won't experience all the things waiting for me there. Death will come for me sooner or later anyway so why make it any faster and waste all the future opportunities just because the "right now" isn't that fun?
2. I am actually helpful to people so I am making the world a better place, even if I am struggling with relationships and employment.
3. Committing suicide is such a hassle - both for me(find a way of sure death, preferably not too painful) and the people around. Someone (a friend, family member or a stranger) will find my body and experience trauma. And I might cause more trouble for someone - for example if I were to jump in front of a car the driver might end up going to jail. It's better to die a normal death. In hospital or ambulance, somewhere where people are experienced with death and dealing with dead bodies.

We had a suicide in our family in August, my step-daughter. As a youth, she had everything I have heard others list as coveted attributes: 1. Beautiful 2. Smart 3. Social life (copulation) . She could've done anything. But, that's not how it went.

When I read things like this I usually look at the age of the person, not that it always matters. But more because I want to tell them to 'hold on.' I would honestly consider my own life up until the age of 35 as often difficult. I'm glad I held on, because it got better.

It got better when I got out of myself and started helping other living things: animals, people, etc... And I suck socially. I also answer things directly. There should not be a requirement on how to answer a question. You did not say, "hey, ask me a question." They asked and you answered to the best of your ability. There's no shame in that. You are not responsible for how they perceive your answer.

There are things like reading for kids, older people. Visiting animals stuck in shelters, volunteering at soup kitchens, rocking babies at hospitals.

When I am feeling horrible I try and help someone. Sometimes, it's just the homeless guy in the parking lot. It lifts my spirits.

I don't have a reason to live either. I guess I ju3live because I'm alive. That's not the reason for my living, it's merely the cause of me living.

Aspies endure significantly more stress than NTs. So much so that it should probably be our middle name. If this stress energy is not properly vented it will be stored in the muscles and nervous system of the body. Stress will then over time become distress and trauma, producing depression.

Too much stress, or chronic stress may lead to major depression in humans. Both types of stress lead to overactivity of the body's stress-response mechanism. Sustained or chronic stress, in particular, leads to elevated hormones such as cortisol, the "stress hormone," and reduced serotonin and other neurotransmitters in the brain, including dopamine, which has been linked to depression. When these chemical systems are working normally, they regulate biological processes like sleep, appetite, energy, and sex drive, and permit expression of normal moods and emotions.

Depression in humans can produce some of the following symptoms:
* Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
* Irritability
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
* Decreased energy or fatigue
* Moving or talking more slowly
* Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
* Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Appetite and/or weight changes
* Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
* Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment

Given that social isolation, stress and anxiety are the triggers and main reason for self-injury, reducing stress and increasing time spent with others would be the most effective method. But unfortunately Aspies also suffer in the area of socialization. So in a sense this is a no-win situation.

So how can you vent stress energy? Stress energy is stored in your core brain and in your five limbs (2 arms, 2 legs, neck). Strange form of exercises can vent stress energy. For example, an exercise that puts your body into a shiver can vent stress in your core. This exercise is called Tension & Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). Here is a YouTube video that shows a little of this technique.



To vent stress energy in you limbs takes another form of exercise called maximal or supramaximal exercise. This is exercise where the intensity or individual’s maximal oxygen uptake (percentage of VO2max) is 100% or greater. Examples are sprints and power exercises.

So for example to relieve stress energy in your legs, one needs to simulate the effects of panic. If your inhibited reaction to a threat was to run away and you didn’t, then you need to run as fast as the wind with a tiger chasing you at your heels. This can be done by performing ten 6-second maximal sprints (a 50-yard dash), running like a bat out of hell with a 30 second recovery between each sprint. [This emulates the flight response in a panic.]

When you properly relieve stress energy from your body, then your body will return back to its normal equilibrium, a state known as homeostasis.