questioning my whole identity

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I figured this place would be better than reddit, and I wanted to consult as many forums as possible. I'm 33, and I have just realised 100% for sure that I have aspergers / ASD. I suspected it for a while, but kinda put it aside. I thought it was likely, but that it didn't have a lot of negative effects on my life.

Now I realise it does. I know some people don't approve of self diagnosis, and I accept that. I am pursuing a diagnosis, and it feels weird to identify as having ASD without a diagnosis. I'm having an identity crisis, and I think a diagnosis would help greatly.

I have always struggled socially. I have always had trouble making friends and dealing with group dynamics. If I made a friend it was usually another girl who initiated the friendship and was very controlling and/or abusive, or it was someone I was obsessed with, usually in a very close but tumultuous friendship. This pattern continued into adulthood. I also ended up in abusive romantic relationships. Right now I have very few close friends, am not in regular contact with many non-family people, and rarely socialise.

I used to socialise a lot in my late teens and twenties, but I always felt the need to drink. I partied a lot. Alcohol and drugs made me outgoing and feel like I was part of a group.

I've hardly ever had a friendship group, and I am envious of those who do. A few friends scattered here and there that I don't have much contact with is not enough. I am introverted but still have that basic desire for human connection.

It is really hard to connect with people sober. I'm always worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing, and often I do. I make a lot of social mistakes, and rarely fit in with any group.

I have a lot of sensory issues, sounds are especially bad, I've always had very obsessive interests and only just realised that maybe sometimes people don't want to hear about them. I tend to correct people and spout facts all the time, or just ramble on about a topic. I now worry this annoys people.

My executive functioning issues have made study and work difficult. Daily life itself is a challenge. I find it extremely difficult to get anything organised. So I tend to just avoid stuff. Dishes and laundry and rubbish pile up. I can never make it anywhere on time. I really don't have a sense of time, or direction, so I always need my smartphone to get around (the times before smartphones were difficult indeed).

My life is chaos right now and I can't seem to get it in order. I've started using methods to be more organised. I have to be really obsessive about my organisation. It's all or nothing. But despite my best efforts, I lose things all the time; can't keep track of my belongings.

I have a bad memory for things that happened. Episodic or autobiographical memory. My short term memory isn't great either. These lead to problems with friends or at work. My semantic memory seems to be pretty good. I'm not good at trivia but I know a lot about certain topics.

The idea of an ASD diagnosis has really made me think deeply about my personality and who I am. I believe I have been using mirroring and masking since a young age. I realised that most times I'm interacting with someone, I'm masking. That's made me question my whole identity.

It took my a while to learn to be polite. It just didn't come naturally. Now I'm very polite, but it's weird to think that's masking, and not an actual part of my personality. It's like my personality is split.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi,

I just made an account here after acknowledging that I'm on the spectrum, although undiagnosed. I'm now 27. Like you, I've always had my suspicions but never gave much further thought to it because I didn't feel like it was affecting my life. Hindsight is a great teacher, however.

Reading your story was a strange experience for me. It sounds word for word like something I could have written.

I have similar problems with executive functioning. I can't keep my apartment clean. School has been a disaster for me. Luckily I've been able to hold a job that aligns with my interests (computer programming). Although I still struggle a great deal with working with others.

I have no social circle. I rarely participate when my work buddies make plans outside work. I have problems dating women because I lack fundamental social skills. My last relationship was very abusive. I lived with a girl who has borderline personality disorder for 3 years. My mental health is in the gutter and I'm desperately trying to connect with someone who understands.

My name is Steven, by the way. I couldn't find yours?

All the best.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP.

I am self-diagnosed and no one has had a problem with that yet. If your not positive about your ASD then a diagnosis is probably a good idea though. I have symptoms like childhood speech delay, eye contact avoidance, stimming which I believe are quite strong indications.

Hi and a very warm welcome from a fellow Aussie(though I'm now in the UK) . Being on the spectrum involves basically being like an onion .... building up multiple layers over time, masking and mirroring, as we try our best to cope in a neurotypical world. The more exhausted we get, the more those layers unravel and lay exposed. Hence, needing to be alone so much in order to recharge our batteries. Self preservation, allowing yourself to get lost in your interests, and "alone time" are essential.

The disintegration of 'self' that some speak of is very much a part of the autistic experience. Our sense of self is ever fragile, even in very high functioning autistic people. It remains relatively setting/routine specific. It can be destabilised, even destroyed by unexpected, uncontrolled change of known settings/routines or entry into new settings/routines, yet to be learned. Certain settings can be too complex, too stimulating for a sense of self to be developed specifically for that particular setting.

Many of us seem to have developed different 'selves' for each daily routine, specific to the time/place and people involved. When routines and their parts and consistencies are disrupted, so the sense of being a safe and functional 'self' is damaged. In extreme situations autistic people may literally perceive they cease to exist as an indpendent entity, but simply blur or slide into the external reality, resulting in complete panic. This is why many of us require the presence of a safe, known person to ground us when entering complex novel settings, social settings and the more anxiety-provoking higher offices within the workplace.

A very wise autistic man who taught me well wrote: "Think of competent and apparently normal functioning autistics as being like an onion. We are purely autistic at the core, but can learn "layers" of coping behaviour specific to some settings, but not all settings. Each layer of coping behaviour is a separate "project" or "program" we have learned. Peel away the layers and the autism is always there.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Your story sound sounds very familiar, I can relate to a lot of it. There are plenty of people who are self diagnosed autistic. Its different for adults

Hello from Peta

Warm welcome and, yes, it's time to discover and explore Your True Self

I'm the states its amazing how we all experience the same thing regardless of where we are. I know exactly how you feel I use to rock and have a strange posture and walking position. I learned to make eye contact to be polite to fake a smile. I have no friends as of right now it's good you have a few for me that seems impossible I just rub people the wrong way and I'm not sure now to mask that

I don't have a personality anymore I just am.whatever people want me to be I'm so desbrate for someone to like me and not think I'm weird it drives me insane.

Hi hangintree,

I'm fresh new here, so I won't be much help. However , I thought it would be important for me to answer your last question : Yes, I definitely feel the same this way. Although my situation obliviously differs from yours in some point, I found a lot of similitude between our situation. To be honest, this post confirmed me that I should give a try to this forum and discuss with the community. For my part, I am really confused about whether or not I have Asperger and I have been hesitating on making steps to seek a diagnostics...

I'm curious about how you are able to be confident about your self-diagnostic? Sometime I refer to myself as an aspie but I feel like an impostor and change my mind after, hehe.

A warm Wrong Planet welcome to hangingtree and magicturtle. I am glad you both are here.

I realized I was aspie just two years ago.

To the three newcomers, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to those who have posted for the first time in this thread. Self-diagnosis is a first step for most of us who weren't diagnosed as a child. Those in this thread that have professed to be self-diagnosed at this point are doing it in exactly the right way: You've made it clear to others here that you're self-diagnosed rather than being professionally diagnosed.

If you continue to post, please also continue to reiterate that you're self-diagnosed. The concern that I and many others here have is when a self-diagnosed person drops that distinction entirely and posts that they ARE autistic when they haven't been diagnosed. I know I'm only one person and I'm not the owner of WP, but in my opinion it's wrong for a person to do that.