Having Complex Feelings About Friendship

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Hello. I haven't posted a topic on here before, but I thought I'd share my feelings about friendships hoping that someone can help or at least show a bit of sympathy. It's been about 4 years since I've had a proper friend, but now I don't have any and during that time, I've been trying desperately to find someone I can talk to as I was feeling rather miserable.

Earlier this year, I joined an Asperger's group that went out and did activities every month. March was the first time I did an activity (bowling). One of the people running the group introduced me to his son as I found out that he shared a few of the same interests as me. In April, my dad helped me get his number so I can contact him next month to see if we could meet up at Comic Con. In May, we did meet up at the Comic Con outside of the Asperger's group and I got to meet a couple of his friends and his younger brother. In June (went to an activity centre) we talked more and found out that by sheer coincidence that we had the same birthday (he was just a couple years older). I was able to text him a bit more and we played video games via online play after June's activity. I felt happy at the prospect of making a new friend after all those years of mental torment, anxiety and depression after an incident involving losing a long-time online friend. In July, though, I felt miserable again. My mum had told me that it would take so much longer to make a friend and that I didn't know the guy very well. Mum said that it will probably take a year or two. On top of that, she wanted us to move to New Zealand next year (she still does), so I wouldn't have much time to get to know my potential friend.

In August, I told him about my anxiety and how awful I felt after that incident with me losing my online friend a few years ago. He seemed to sympathise. We texted more as there was no activity in August. We exchanged some drawings (his are very good, far better than mine) and talked about the new Pokémon Center that was going to open in October. In mid-August, I started to doubt the friendship. I was so worried that I'd drive him away with my anxiety, as I had done that before. I felt like I was getting in his way as he had plenty of friends from the Asperger's group (some he'd been friends with for about a decade). I figured it would be best if I avoided him. So I did. I spent 4 months without seeing or texting him. I stopped going to the activities altogether, thinking that he would forget me anyway. I have to admit that I had a bit of a crush on him during the time I spent talking to him (I still do). In December, I started to talk to him again as I was starting to feel lonely again. He actually remembered who I was and asked if I was coming back to the group. I'm still kind of surprised that he noticed I was gone. I said I would come back in January but I'm not so sure about that anymore. I find it so difficult to trust people nowadays and I'm finding it hard to determine if he actually wants to be my friend or if he's genuinely interested in talking to me, or if he just pities me. I don't really see myself as the type of person people would want to be friends with. I just don't feel like I'm worth this guy's time. What should I do? I'm afraid to try and be friends with him, but I'm afraid to tell him I don't want to be friends, either. I'm afraid to mess it up as he could be the only person I would want to be friends with. Plus, I don't have a lot of time since me and my family want to move to New Zealand later next year. Should I just tell him all these things when I do January's activity? Or should I just try and forget about him altogether?

Given that you'll be moving soon, he can at most be an online friend, in the long run. Are you okay with that?

Anyhow:

Not a surprise at all.

What's the male-to-female ratio like at that support group? At most Asperger/autism support groups (in-person ones, at least), men are likely to be in the vast majority. If that's the case at the group you attended, then you were probably an instant celebrity simply by virtue of being young and female.

Also, there's a known phenomenon of Aspie/autistic young men's parents looking for nice Aspie/autistic young women to introduce to their sons. At least one autistic female blogger has complained about being beseiged by such introductions.

Hopefully there will be another support group at the place where you are moving to in New Zealand. If there is, I would strongly suggest that that, once you move there, you take your time getting to know several (not just one) men as friends (not dating any of them, at least not until after you get to know several of them pretty well) and try to get to know at least one or two women too (if you're not the only woman in the entire group).

To help you get over your current anxieties, it might be useful to remind yourself that, in the context of the autistic community, there will always be men who want to get to know you -- some of whom will be struggling with social anxiety far worse than yours.

The one thing you should worry about, if you worry about anything at all, is the likelihood that some of these men just want to get into your pants. To weed them out, the most important thing is just to take your time getting to know them.

In the meantime:


You're not obliged to go there, but I think it would be nice if you would go there at least one last time before you move to New Zealand, just to say good-bye to everyone if nothing else. And, who knows? There might be some other folks there who would like to stay in touch with you too.


Has any aspect of his behavior led you to feel that way, or just your own worries?


As noted above, this probably won't be your very last opportunity to make a friend.

Still, it would be a shame to lose him as a friend, if indeed he truly is a potential friend.

So I would suggest that you go to the January meeting and try to ignore your worries. Don't try too hard to make friends with him, but don't avoid him either. Just talk to him about common interests as the opportunity arises.