Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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Well my lover has excelled himself and became extremely abusive when I asserted myself and didn't comply mindlessly to his demands. How does it feel? I feel simultaneously degraded and empowered. Does that make sense? There came a point when I asked myself " is this really what you like?" It's not masculine, it's not positive attention, this is just him being his pathological, narcissistic, abusive self. I don't want to enjoy abuse anymore. Kraftie said it would just be a matter of time until he reverts back to his old ways, I knew he was right but I wanted to ignore it. Abuse is so comforting and familiar to those who were fed on it in childhood. I want to be able to identify abuse, recognise it and reject it for what it is. I want to believe that I deserve to be cherished and valued. Even if only by me myself. He is blocked. He is deleted. He deserves no reign over my heart. I will only put value on goodness and kindness, no-one on earth has the right to treat me like garbage. It is not because he is an aspie, it is because he is an as..ole.

I would like to think that my CPTSD therapy is working, that I can find a place for myself in this world that I feel so alienated and detached in. I have another man, a sweet man who has come back into my life, sweetness is difficult for me, a strange language that I am trying to learn. Why can't I value sweetness in a man? I am angry with myself, so angry that I am drawn to these abusive people like a moth to a flame. I become spineless and weak, a nothing. I can never allow this to happen again. I don't trust myself. I am so angry and disappointed in myself.sh...t. sh.t.

Kraftie is the man.

He is indeed.

Sorry it was toxic. It's odd when it becomes so clear. I also have had relief from horrible situations b/c then I am "free" if you will. Wishing you well for what in the future will fill that space (hobby, interest, community, friendship). You close one door and open another...

Sharon, I really respect your opinions, you are very wise. I believe that when we are in the midst of a healing process, things that are not acknowledged as abusive immediately, suddenly become like grit in the eye. Something is irritating me but I don't exactly know why. Someone else would say " don't talk to me like that!" I kind of freeze and get lost for words, not knowing exactly that someone is abusive.
It takes major abuse for me to reach that level of awareness. I must let go of self-blame. It's not my fault that I was abused as a child and it's not my fault that my machanism is defected. As Cberg said, I have to learn not to trust my own instincts. It's tough to do.

Teach, you and I don't agree on certain things. I'm going to say this. Have a no contact policy with him. Don't talk or respond to him. Narcs thrive on attention. Don't give them that. Don't even curse him out. Say nothing. Ignore his calls and texts. If he serenades you at the window call the cops. Get a restraining order.

And, if you can get a gun. A starter one would be a .22.

Here is what Dr. Dre says: "A million motherf***ers on the planet Earth
Talk that hard BS cause that's all they worth (uhh)"

http://ohhla.com/anonymous/dr_dre/after ... ne.dre.txt

And, that's all this guy is worth.

Thank you Cube

Good job, teach. You can do it.

Sometimes the revelation that I have been a victim of abuse in a relationship, hits me like a punch in the gut. Other times it is like the frog in the fry pan...I never notice that it's gone too far.

You're doing good. You are worth it. You will figure it out.

Thank you so much blazingstar. I am just thinking "how did I not see this is happening again". It's a kind of selective blindness. I got a metophorical punch in the gut today and there was no ignoring it. How can I be so capable in some things and so pathetically dumb in others?

KK is a wonderful Agony Uncle and very wise . Time to start a new chapter ... You can help stop normalizing abusive behavior by ending self-blame, stopping the excuses, and leaving the abuse. You're doing that, hun. Now, stay strong and know that you are worthy of genuine love, kindness and warmth. Never allow a bad past to dictate present mistreatment. Hugs.xx

Well done you indeed!
You took action, the hardest part.
You might have fallen for the idea of who your ex ( ) was, but you took the power back today, and in time you might feel proud of yourself for being brave enough to choose a different way.
Self care and self parenting have helped me make progress, but real kindness and genuine care from others helped me to make a similar break some years back.
I hope you become so accustomed to kindness and respect that you wont tolerate anything less from yourself or others that you are close to

I'm glad you have now found someone sweet. The last guy... Forgive and move on. I say forgive because holding grudges only eats away at your peace.
Now the abusive guy... Well. I don't believe guys intend to be abusive, but they can have a whole lot of mental issues going on, and if there are drugs or alcohol involved it can be like adding petrol to an already out of control blaze.
Do not look for perfection as you won't find it. Look for someone who is kind and will be nice to be around.
Put God first, in that include God in your plans. (I believe this makes sense to you. If it doesn't it will do one day.)

I find that when I dated my first girlfriend, she was very secretive. She was also narcistic which I didn't know about. I had never knowingly come across it before. She was a camelian. I mean.. She mirrored me to become what I believed to be the ideal lady for me, but the mirroring was a subconcious act designed to gain my trust.
Once she had me in her grips and we were going to marry, she started dating another man at the same time (Unknown to me at the time) and she then just cut me off. No warning. No explanation. Nothing. Just all attempts to find out what was happening were blocked. I had never expected this and also because I assumed I had done something wrong I became rather suicidal where I won't enter details except to say there was one partial attempt to harm myself and I had a more daring plan in my mind which was never carried out as it was a no going back plan and my mind was in turmoil as on the one hand I thought I must have really hurt her somehow, and on the other I hung back because I could not find a reason how.
But anyway. Was only later I found out that she had been dating at least two others at the same time as me, and actually found out she was already married and had hidden this from me until a good while into the dating. She had also done the same to other men as she did with me. All was going brilliant, and then she would cut them off without saying it was over. When I first was dating her this guy kept phoning her and she would not answer or reply to his texts. I just assumed at the time that it was a stalker, but later found out when he apologised to me (I never knew they had been an item) as he wanted to know what was going on when she ended things to date me and had not told him.

Anyway. What are I saying? I don't know. I have lost my trail of thought... Ooh. Yes. The lady I was dating had been raped as a child by a stranger. Mentally, and because she also had a strange mother, she was effected, and this pushed her into both narcism and the inability to settle or trust one man, hence she was constantly trying to please each man by trying to be who they wanted her to be, but then I am guessing when all seemed to be going well, she would look for another as she would be dating to get revenge on men? (She also did several things to get a kind of revenge on me when she cut me off which seemed very odd and out of character as I had done nothing wrong but bless her).

Anyway... That is past. Last I heard she married a man I worked with and I never knew they were dating until I had by chance mentioned my past and he caught the name... I disn't say a lot but I did warn him that she had a past history... Hopefully she had changed as he is a nice guy, and I want the best for them despite the past...

Forgiveness allows one to move on. That's what I am coming to. It does not mean you have to keep in touch. Nope. I am certainly not in touch with that first girlfriend.
But, it means one has the freedom not to dwell in the past.

We don't know each other that well, so I felt uncomfortable giving you advice, but I was really worried when you posted about getting back together.

I second the "no contact" thing. Give yourself time to heal and stay strong. Many of us here understand what you're going through.

And a virtual hug if you want one

Maybe I'm coldhearted, but I've never had difficulty letting go of people I've left.

Turn on your heel and keep going. You don't need a sadist in your life.

I'm disturbingly good at burning bridges. But I also understand what is like to know you're being abused and come back for more... until you've had enough that is.

I hope "this is it."

And that you move on.

Keep the positive memories of the guy----but learn from the less-than-positive ones.