Teenage Son

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Has anyone had their child say that they wished they weren’t autistic? My 15 year old son has NEVER said this to me before, but yesterday he started crying and blurted that out. I asked where this was coming from (if he was being picked on) but he says he is tired of being different and struggling to fit in. I am also worried because he is bi polar and I’m afraid he would spiral into a deep depression. I’m trying to “say the right things” and not make it worse, but I feel like I’m “harassing” him to get him to open up more. He says he knows it’s who he is, but he gets so frustrated with not understanding so many things, and when I press for more clarification he can’t elaborate clearly. I did tell him that we will talk with his therapist about his feelings, but I don’t want him to shut me out either. Does anyone have advise or experience with this situation?

Wouldn't you be frustrated if you were him?
My intuition is: give him space and show him that you respect his feelings, including anger, frustration, sadness. They are his feeings, they are part of who he is.
He may need to go through all the mourning phases before he accepts his limitations. It's natural and healthy.

If one looks at the totality of a situation, one can become depressed. Especially if one is so young as to not have had some successes by which to put things in perspective.

It might be helpful to get him to focus on specific tasks or situations and to view them as experimental opportunities. When experimenting, there can be disasters, but also successes. As he begins to accumulate successes, he may begin to see his situation as less hopeless.

One aspect of Aspergers in children is that they are often detached from the more automatic and reflexive development of NT children. This often results in the development of self-directed thought processes that are reflective of the desires and perspective of a child. These can be a real hindrance as the child enters adolescence.

Adolescence can be difficult enough yet Aspergers often adds the difficulty of reconstructing reflexive thought patterns to adapt to the adult world. Since this necessity is often unrecognized, many Aspergers teens continue to have developmental delays. However, over time, most find management techniques that make life increasingly functional.

Some people are crippled by injury (like car accident victims). Some face congenital deficits such as blindness or deafness. Regardless of the hand one has been dealt, the key to a happy life if to learn how to manage the best one can.

You may be in a position to guide your son by offering management suggestions and encouraging successes.

I agree with giving him space, first and foremost.

Long run, you may be able to help him with specific skills sets. If he can narrow his frustrations to specific skills or situations, you will have something actionable. My instinct is that you need to be a lot more specific with him than you were in your post; if he says he is struggling to fit in, ask if he can provide examples. If he can provide examples, you can work through the alternatives of how to handle the situation together.

What is tough, of course, is that we as parents don't know the nuances of teen culture. We can help our kids fit into the adult and business worlds more than we can help them fit in with peers. As a result, you have to be very careful trying to offer specific suggestions. Try to stay focused on asking questions rather than advising.

The other difficulty is that our kids don't always hear what we mean. My son has taken some of my ideas and turned them into pretty decent messes. If you both aren't going to be able to laugh those mistakes off, it might be better to stay out of it.

Does your son have gifts specific to his ASD? It is the gifts that keep my son happy to be ASD, even when he is down about a gap.

Do you know anyone else who is ASD? My son found it incredibly satisfying when he finally made friends with someone not only ASD, but with similar difficulties. Having someone to talk to that really understands is very helpful.

Since my children's early days, I've always told my children that their mission in life is not to fit in, but to stand out. My children have that very clear.

Please read this: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=384390&start=14

As Rosa Park says: "The only tired I was, was tired of giving in." For 70+ years, the system has laid the burden entirely on the side of autistic people, and attempted to modify the behaviors of autistic people. How comfortable that has been for the neurotypical people. Autistic people make all the changes. Autistic people sit in the back of the bus, so neurotpyical people can have an better time sitting in the front. That approach went nowhere.

Neurodiversity entered the scene. And all of a sudden, neurotypical people came to realize, that instead of teaching/lecturing, what they needed was learning. And life started to get better for everyone.

Neurotypical people are bad enough, but the worst part is that there are many "turncoats" in the autistic community. These people not only look down on themselves (because they consider autism as a disability or defect), but furthermore promote all those phony neurotypical values.

Read this too: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=384390&start=11

Perhaps you could show these articles to your son:
http://www.eikonabridge.com/Ivan_8th_birthday.pdf
http://www.eikonabridge.com/anxiety.pdf

Well it may be painful to see him like that, but it is how he feels so you can't really change that. I don't have kids or anything but I think the best thing to do is just kinda let him know you are there for him and you're at least not judging him. Like don't push too hard for him to open up, just let him know you you support him, even if he is struggling. Then maybe he will open up some more on his own.

also if there are things he is interested even if you don't get it or don't really like it, don't discourage it. I mean growing up I think my mom legitimately did the best she could with raising but that doesn't mean she was always right. Like she did kind of discourage some interests I had so with the difficulties I already had that just kind of added to the stress of always worrying about if my mom wouldn't like an interest I had. Like I mean back when pokemon first got popular my mom had read some like propaganda claiming it gives kids seizures and was just an an evil bad thing(she was kind of an ignorant christian back than, but she has actually moved past that nowadays, I think what did it is at one point she got interested in eastern medicine and buddhism stuff and than people at church ridiculed her about it so she stopped going to church. I mean I don't buy all the mumbo, jumbo she believes in now but its a hell of a lot better than the protestant christian version of her. which unfortunately is the one I grew up with. Anyways pokemon was a popular things for kids my age, that my mom banned me from. So yeah imagine how not being allowed to get into pokemon 'helped' my social progress when it was literally a big deal for most other kids my age but I wasn't allowed to indulge in the show or play the card game. I just can't help thinking if I had been allowed to get into pokemon like all the other kids maybe I could have made a few friends that way...but no my mom had to be an idiot.

I love her dearly but, yeah I do not think she made all the right choices in raising me.

There are days when I wish I wasn't autistic too.

He's probably experiencing some things that make him feel bad about himself and he now realizes that it's because of his ASD. I've been there. Times of feeling like a failure have driven me to suicidal thoughts. When it's necessary, try talking to him about whatever's on his mind remind him that he's not as pathetic as he feels.

For me personally, I’ve felt nothing but positive about it, maybe because I’ve always had this glass half full mentality. My youngest went through many moments of what you describe though, and now believes he was misdiagnosed. We have a wonderful relationship, and I was fortunate to be able to home educate him when needed. As he’s matured, and is now doing amazing things, at 21yrs, having come through some very difficult times, he’s very welcome to believe whatever he wishes in regard his autism. He has his own wonderful way of making others feel good, even at work, and his differences enhance both his life and those around him now. That’s not to say, that the challenges aren’t there anymore, it’s just that his approach to life and to new experiences has altered hugely. I think it’s only natural for your son to have these moments, and I’d be glad that he’s expressing himself, rather than bottling it up inside. Reminding him of the positives and providing him with examples of some of the amazing musicians, scientists, directors, actors, teachers etc etc who have made significant contributions to the world, may help. I found that in keeping my son busy and providing experiences and goals to work on, really helped. I pushed the comfort zone gently, but always ensured that once something was started, it was completed. This way, he gained self esteem, learned self control, and knows the satisfaction of never giving up. It’s important to verbalise with him that you’re behind your son 100%, and that you believe he can do anything he sets his mind to.