How did you cope with bullying at school?

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I go back to school on Monday and am dreading it! Everyone bullies me, either by making fun or physically pushing me and pulling my hair because they know I can't stand the feel of people touching my hair. The teachers don't care because I've told them before and they didn't believe me or take any notice. I'm at school for another two years and I can't survive all the bullying and trauma for that long so I need to know how to cope with it before I go back otherwise the anxiety is going to destroy me.

I coped badly . It really screwed me up .

Well, as I mentioned in another thread I survived rather than coped... so I’ll give you two examples from my life when I was about your age: the first I most emphatically do not recommend, the second might be good for thought... (he hopes)

• What not to do: I bottled everything up inside until I exploded with rage at the injustice of it all twice in the space of a week.
First incident a boy started cutting my hair from behind in physics class: I swung round and gave him a black eye and a split lip before the teacher pulled me off him
Second incident another boy leaned over from the seat behind on the school bus, pinned me in a headlock and started scribbling in my face with permanent marker: somehow I slipped out of the lock and grabbed his throat with both hands... it took 4 7th year girls to pull me off him and his face was blue by the time they managed it.
Whilst no-one ever laid a finger on me again, it was because they were now scared of me: plus it added ‘psycho’ to the list of verbal taunts, and left me even more isolated than before. I’ve also never quite shaken off the feeling of shame that I lost control enough to harm/come close to killing a fellow human being. Not good

• Hopefully food for positive thought: about three weeks after the incidents above the games teacher collared me in the corridor and informed me I was on the rugby team and didn’t have a say about it.
Turned out I was the only kid who paid absolute literal attention when he had explained tackling: so whilst I was useless at every other aspect of the game, I was very good at sending rival teams star players face first into the mud. I didn’t get any friends from this, but I did get grudging respect from the rest of the team... which reduced the verbal nastiness, although it never eliminates it entirely.

Obviously I’m not proposing you throw yourself into aggressive field sports as a solution, still less that you rage out and scare them all witless.
But if you can do anything that is valued by a group of popular students: a little can go a long way there in terms of personal security if not assuaging loneliness.

My former therapist asked me how I would have dealt with the bullies and I told her "I should have killed (the ringleader) before I turned 18 but now it's too late." While that was an extreme reaction I haven't backed down much from that as it got much worse as the years went on and he could have easily killed me anyway. Obviously I don't recommend that but in my experience the only way to deal with a bully is to strike hard and suddenly. Sure it might get worse for a while but that is far better than the years of trauma I am still unsuccessfully trying to work through. Better to be feared by everyone than be the literal punching bag. People are not going to like me no matter what I do so it is better to life live on your own terms rather than fearing everyone else.

Side note but I thought the teachers either didn't notice or didn't care but later found out one teacher did, tried to deal with the ringleader and his well connected parents and got fired as a result. The other teachers (there were all first year teachers) turned a blind eye to save their careers. Best 'advice' is from people who have no idea what it's like to be bullied, taunted and rejected.

The thing that helped me cope with bullying the most was taking karate lessons. I did not ever fight anyone in real life - the ways it helped me were:

Physical exertion of the classes relieved anxiety and stress, and helped with sleep
Improved strength and coordination
Increased self confidence (feeling like I could defend myself if I had to)
Feeling more confident made me act more confident, which made me less of a target
A sense of belonging to a group in the class made me feel less isolated
Learning some self-discipline

The same benefits could come from any kind of physical training that you might enjoy, not just karate.
I understand what you are going through, and hope that things will get better for you.

I always had a book with me and I spent all free time reading and ignoring my surroundings.
I became an expert in zoning out, to the point of dissociation.
Ignoring bullies after some time made them bored and seek another target.
I have rather low social drive so the status of being ignored, while still painful, was tolerable.

One thing that was really helpful for me was my strong belief that they were stupid, not me.

Warning - possible triggers

I went through five years in hell during junior high and high school due to bullying at all levels. After thirty years have passed since then, I still show the scars on my arms from defending myself against a particular knife attack done by my classmates. They really wanted me dead as my existence annoyed them. The bullying only stopped when I moved away to a neighboring town. At the new school I was an outsider so I was mostly left alone. At the time, I just wanted to not exist anymore. Anger grew inside me where there was none before. It took me twenty years before I could let go of the hate. I just feel pain now when I remember those times.

I lost part of myself surviving the bullying, including my faith in humanity. It is not something I am proud of.

I wish I had better advice to give you: Just try not to lose yourself to hate if you can.

I also took to books: the library was unlocked during most free time, with a member of staff there.
I also found one of the science labs was usually open with the technician preparing for upcoming lessons: he didn’t mind me quietly reading with a packed lunch in the corner.
Also the art teacher used to make his room available for D&D during free time: so catching up on a bit of drawing and sketching out of their way was another option.
Once I was in sixth form (A level), and didn’t need a permission slip to go off site, I also took to hiding amongst the trees in a nearby graveyard.
Half avoiding the other kids, half just in search of time and quiet to think and to breathe.
Hope your time out is beneficial.

Hmmm. Have you considered talking to a teacher, parent, or the principal? You're certainly worth it and self advocacy is extremely important!

During Junior High School I experienced severe bullying for 3 years. Even though I am 71 years old, I can still feel the dark shadows of that experience.

In general, Aspies (Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autistics) experience significantly more bullying than the average NT (neurotypical).

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As a child transitions into being a teenager, they are confronted with another major transition. In this age bracket they pass into puberty and teasing and bullying becomes a major force in their peer group. Those terms are very understated. The term teasing and bullying are terms developed to protect the abusers. They minimize the offense. A more accurate phrase is cruel and relentless torture. In adult society, the terms used are physical abuse, psychological abuse, and assault and they are criminal offenses.

* Bullies are very adept at what they do. It is almost like they took a course in the subject.
* They instinctively recognize those that are weak, alone and defenseless - vulnerable individuals.
* Bullies choose to torment individuals away from the eyes of authorities. They know where in the playground or inside the school, they can strike outside the purview of the authorities. So the location of the fight generally was well hidden – not only by location they had chosen but also by the crowd of spectators that form.
* They know how to inflict the maximum amount of pain without leaving visible marks as evidence [such as a jab to the ribcage, a kick to the nuts, or a chokehold].
* They know about the unwritten rules such as the “Code of Silence” and the “Never Snitch”.
* They enforce these rules to silence witnesses.
* In general, bullies are cowards and rarely fight fair.
* They operate as a group, a gang with lieutenants and soldiers.
* In a conflict, it is always about the one (the victim) versus the many (the gang).
* You show up armed only with your fists to protect yourself, while they might show up armed to the teeth. Any fight is rarely fought on a level playing field and the conclusions are rarely left up to chance.
* And in the aftermath of the physical and verbal attack, it is always the word of the many (the gang), combined with the silence of the eyewitnesses (unwritten code of silence) against the word of the one (the victim). And in general, the victim is blamed.

To understand bullying one must look at it through the lens of a primate. The reason why teasing and bullying is exhibited in humans is because it is an evolutionary trait (a shadow) that evolved in primates. Primates exhibit a social tribe structure based on Alpha, Beta, and Omega members.

This structure is also exhibited in tribes of humans. Humans form into societal groups called gangs. A gang is led by an Alpha Male (otherwise known as the bully) and his lieutenants, Beta Males. Generally this tribe encompasses the entire school class because the other members of the tribe participate as soldiers in the gang or as silent eyewitnesses. The leadership of the gang is determined by brute force. A male Aspie fills the role of an Omega Male, a communal scapegoat or outlet of frustration.

One of the interesting observations about school bullying is that generally for males it peaks in the Junior High School years. This is no accident. What makes the timing of that phase interesting and special? It is because males are transitioning into puberty at that age.

In primates, Alpha Males often gain preferential access to sex or mates and as a result to reproduction and offspring. In humans, this bullying is part of thinning out the herd just prior to the mating age. It either mentally cripples Aspie males for the rest of their life or causes them to become loners and leave the tribe.

Once abuse and torture enters the picture, do not expect the child to advance any further along the stages of natural childhood development. For some (Aspie girls) who are further along socially, they may even digress backwards. I feel that girls tend to mimic the action of others and this is actually part of the natural process of becoming an extrovert. They are further along in social development and forced backwards into becoming an introvert by their girl tribe. As a result they are separated from their tribe, shunned and abandoned. Once you drive a turtle back into its shell in fear, don’t expect it to come out anytime soon. Aspies exhibit paralyzing fear, afraid of sticking their head out of their shell, because they don’t know what they did wrong to have their peer group turn on them, even their best friends, with great meanness pushing them out of their tribe.

In the primate world, an Omega is the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. An Omega is given two choices. Either an Omega can remain submissive to everyone and will commonly be used as a communal scapegoat; an outlet for the tribe’s frustration or the animal can leave the tribe.

In humans, an Omega can select the same two choices. They can remain an Omega Aspie or they can leave and become a Non-Conformist Aspie. Those are the two types of adult Aspies.

In my opinion an Omega can try to fit in, to conform to societies norms. You can constantly look over your shoulder, be hypersensitive, watching for any signs of danger, always keep your senses in overdrive, keep your guard up and live in a constant state of fear. But the prolonged stress will evolve into distress. Over time you will most likely wear yourself out and decay into mental problems.

So one point that I wish to make here is that bullying in general is a short phase that occurs during adolescence. It tends to peak for males during Junior High School years and females during High School years and then quickly fades away during young adulthood. But the problem is that many people who are bullied become somewhat gun-shy and cannot detect the fact that it has come to an end. They live in a state of fear afterwards.

(I will break up the discussion into a couple parts due to its length.)

LoraAdora, at this point you are trying to figure how to cope with bullying at school. There are probably several approaches that can be used. For example, if it becomes too severe, home schooling might be a good choice. But I will focus on my perspective:

As an adult, I married and we had two children, both daughters. As a person who was subjected to extreme bullying, I raised them a little differently then most children. I did everything in my power to protect them from bullying. Now both of my daughters have grown and have families of their own. They turned out well. Now I do not know if they are Aspies or not, but they are very capable. So I will pass on a few of the things that I did.

The objective of bullying is to isolate, abuse, induce great stress, utterly and totally destroy an individual’s self-esteem, and then sit back and watch them burn. In the animal world, it is to obtain dominance and to eliminate reproductive competitors.

“How do you help an Aspie child deal with bullying and teasing?” might be the same logic flow path as “How does an Aspie parent help to raise their child?” As an Aspie parent, I know the answer to the last question. All that I had to do was look deep inside me and see what different steps I took in raising my children. So what special things did I do?
* I fashioned a coat of invisible armor for each of my daughters from the time they were wee little lassies who just began to learn how to walk and talk; to protect them always.
* I fashioned for them an invisible shield that consisted of a path towards independence.
* I gave them an invisible sword. If my children were physically assaulted, I would give them the skill set for self-defense and also give them permission to defend themselves.
* If I had thought about it, I would have also given them glasses of invisibility. One of the approaches to potentially thwarting psychological and physical abuse is to make their emotions invisible. This can be done by wearing glasses of invisibility. They are glasses incorporating are one-way mirrors.
* And I also helped gather around them, a merry band of friends.

An Invisible Sword
If my children were ever physically assaulted in school by their peers; it was important to give them the skill set for personal self-defense and also give them permission to defend themselves. These are two separate items. This permission is one of the many “Exceptions to the Rule”. This was their invisible sword.

Because I was subjected to severe bullying in school, as a parent, I took an Aspie approach to bullying. Before my oldest daughter entered her first year of school I took her aside and explained to her that sometimes kids at school can be very mean and it is O.K. for you to defend yourself if you need to.

I was the smallest kid in my class and my wife was the smallest kid in her class, so it was natural that our children were the smallest children in their respective classes. When my firstborn daughter was in first or second grade, my wife received a phone call from the principal’s office at school. My wife called me at work and I told her I would resolve the issue when I got home. It turns out that she had bitten someone on the playground. I asked my daughter why she had bitten them. She said they were teasing her. [I thought about this for a few seconds – what tools does a wee little one have to protect herself against a much bigger bully. I would have never thought of her teeth.] My wife was frantic. I pulled my daughter aside and told her that what she did was O.K. because she had done what I had instructed her to do but then I told her to try not to do it again. She made it a point to stay away from bullies in the future. She was never bullied after that. She attributes this to her avoidance behavior. [In retrospect, biting someone probably placed her in the class of a little bit crazy in her peer group, and since bullies never attack crazy people, it probably explained why no one ever bullied her again.]

An Invisible Suit of Armor
To protect my children from bullying I fashioned for each of them a coat of invisible armor. From the time my daughters began to walk and talk, my wife and I relentlessly began to teach them Life Skills.

Consider this, most children start with the same box [Asperger and neurotypical]. But every time an Aspie child is ridiculed, they are told they have no common sense, every time they are told they are stupid or worthless, an idiot, their box gets a little bit smaller. If the box gets compressed too small, the box breaks and explodes. The goal is to help the child expand their box, to be everything possible that they can be. One approach to expand their box is to give them skills, hands on skills, real life skills.

So before my children even entered the classroom for the first time, they had thousands of real life skills under their belt. If anyone called them stupid or worthless, they absolutely knew differently.

Every time an individual learns a new life task successfully, the individual becomes more confident, feels greater self worth and value, is better able to withstand non-constructive criticism and psychological abuse. Essentially, the individual is expanding their box.

Life tasks are normal tasks that individuals (such as parents) use in their normal life. Life skills can be almost anything. They can be making a scrambled egg, or making a sunny-side-up egg, or driving a nail into a board, changing a flat tire, washing the dishes, balancing a checkbook, using a cookbook, making cherry jubilee, ironing their clothes, fixing a broken dishwasher, answering the phone, unclogging a toilet, changing a light bulb, making a cup of coffee or grinding coffee beans by hand, coloring Easter eggs the old fashion way or finding Easter eggs buried inside or at the end of a movie, grinding grains of wheat to make flour and then using the flour to make a loaf of bread, creating a spreadsheet or sweeping a floor. These life skills can be very mundane or very intricate task. There are millions of life skills that can be learned. They can be outdoor survival skills taught in boy scouts or girl scouts. Every skill makes their armor a little bit stronger against psychological abuse. I taught my daughters to generate computer animation over 20 years ago before most people didn't even know what that was. I also spent a year with each of them teaching them how to drive a stick shift.

A Merry Band of Friends
It is important for a child to have one or two close friends at school. Friends can act as a buffer against bullying. Now a parent cannot develop friends for their child; it is something the child must learn to do. But a parent can help them in their search to find potential friends, a merry band of friends.

If a child is part of a group, he or she is much less vulnerable to bullying. Bullies normally pick on loners. This means that if your child can join after hour activities such as school clubs they will become less likely to be on the receiving side of bullies. But they must become accepted by those groups. So help them join some school groups such as marching band, drama club, singing groups, and school sports – something they can find a niche in which they can succeed in making a few friends.

My youngest daughter did not experience any bullying because she was involved in a wide range of clubs and activities and she was part of a very tight knit group of friends.

So I would encourage you to join various clubs in school that includes both boys and girls and also spans multiple grades, such as drama club that put on school plays. Not everyone in a play is an actor. Some members are involved in stage lighting, costumes, orchestra, props and set design, sounds effects, and makeup. Most times Aspies can find a niche that they can contribute in the school production. One of the interesting things to note about bullies is that they tend to be stratified by class grouping. A 6th grade bully will normally not target a child a grade lower or a grade higher then their school grade. It is sort of an unwritten code. So clubs can allow different class grouping to mix.

Bullies know that separating a victim from others makes them more vulnerable. Therefore they often learn to break up friendships before they strike. Bullies targeting an individual will sometimes target their close friends and drive a wedge between them, so that their intended target is left all alone and easy prey. Sometimes they do this by humiliating their target in public in front of their peer group. Other times it is subtler because it is done invisibly behind the victim’s back. Sometimes the stress from being targeted is sufficient to throw the target into a self-destructive distressed state and this can cause the victim to drive away their friends and family by their abnormal distressed behavior. In a sense they make their intended victim an “untouchable”. [Untouchable is someone who is off limits to associate with, similar to a person who has leprosy or the lowest caste in a Hindu group.]

I became reclusive and hid in the library behind a study carol for most of my life (every lunch hour, class break, and often skipping classes to avoid my classmates). I did this from Primary straight through University. I wouldn't eat with the other kids and I waited until everyone had left for the day, before I would walk home.

One time I was accosted in the bathroom by some bully girls who said "your outfit sucks". I snapped back "at least my mouth doesn't!", implying they were sluts. That shut them up. I think they were shocked.

For that era, they probably were

I see a common thread in here: you need to stand up to bullies, in one form or another, preferably not an excessive one.

Jimmy offered some great suggestions for Lora as a matter of fact.