How to find out when to leave and when to adapt?

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All my life I easily broke up with friends. I had very strict morals and etiques, so if someone didn't fit in, we had to part our ways (example: I disguise when someone cheats on his/her spouse, so a friend confessed it to me I broke up with them).
In my 30es I read lots of psychological books and tried to learn to accept people as they are. But it is always rather a hiding what I think, but don't agree with them. The too much masking led to exhaustion and a total confusion. Also because I tried to listen to them and people think I'm very natural, acting from the first moment like we were friends forever, they easily open up to me. But when they start complaining they never stop it and every time we meet their feelings (anger, irritation, dissatisfaction etc) flows into me and stay there, draining all my energies.
In the past I never expressed why I break up, but recently I always say when I have problems - however they always belittle it or say I'm too sensitive, my way of thinking is wrong, "just let it go" etc.

I was only diagnosed recently, so I just figured out it's an autistic trait (do also men have it?). How do you know with whom it's worth to stay friends, where are the limits? Is my way of thinking bad and I have to change or I'm unlucky to meet only people we don't match?
Honestly if I break up with all people who I disagree with or feel bad together, there will be no one left

Every situation is different

Cost benefit analysis

Consider alternatives

Weight the pros and cons. Is handling the people who have different morals and are too negative worse for you than being alone? If yes then just ditch them like you have done in the past. If not then try to find a way to tolerate them. Choose the lesser evil. I've had similiar troubles as you, and I've chosen to accept certain things I don't agree with in order to not drive away too many people. However, I do have certain rules that are not to be broken if someone wants to be my friend. In other words, I let some less meaningfull things slide, but wil stand my ground when it comes to really important stuff.

That's tricky... What I think is that it's important to accept not only the behaviour of others but also your feelings about their behaviour and the things they say. To accept your own general feelings as well. As a certain dead man once said: "There are no wrong feelings."

I believe so.



I think it might help to determine what it is you want out of friendship and what things you will and will not tolerate in order to get it. You can choose the limits. If you can't know who's worth staying friends with, you can know who isn't worth it through what your limits are. What is too much to tolerate?



This sounds like incompatibility. That isn't a symbiotic relationship. What you've written indicates it's beneficial for only your complaining friends. It would be better for everyone if your friends befriend people like them, or people that have a "shield" up to deflect the onslaught of complaints while seeming to care, be invested in the problems, and share the burden.

It sounds like you would be better off with friends who are understanding, tolerant and caring. Friends who don't feel the need to vomit all their woes at you until you've soaked them all up like a sponge. Friends who would listen to you. Friends who know it's okay to disagree, to be different. Friends who'd like to grow and learn with you. Friends who would rather see you happy than sad.

I think accepting that which you disagree with is important. I've noticed that when I accept things/people I disagree with and the fact I disagree with them, my disagreements cease to be emotionally charged. The acceptance of things doesn't necessarily mean that you have to keep them around though, or like them. I do think that interactions charged with negative emotions (or even just someone walking around full of them) spread and bounce to and from people involved or in the vicinity. It seems like one's sensitivity to that can vary a great deal. If you accept this spreading when it's happening, accept the emotions, the interactions, the change in your emotions and how you feel about all that's going on... then I think it becomes easier to for the negative emotions to pass through you instead of sticking to you, or you clinging to them. Your friends are clearly clinging to things. I imagine we all cling. I think the Buddhists are right in saying that clinging/attachment is a cause of suffering.

Instead of hiding what you think altogether, perhaps it might be better for you to learn to express your disagreements more diplomatically (yet clearly)? See, for example, How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive (podcast & transcript).


Have you tried talking about autism (including the susceptibility of some of us to extreme emotional contagion) to any of your friends?

What do you need from other people in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed by their negative emotions? Do you need them to avoid complaining to you altogether? Or would you feel better if your friends were to spend only some of their time with you talking about their problems, but also spend more time on mutually enjoyable activities or conversations pertaining to shared interests/hobbies?

In my opinion, listening to each other's complaints is an essential part of friendship, but it needs to be balanced with having fun together. If you feel that you need a similar balance, perhaps you need to become better at asserting (diplomatically but clearly) your need for this balance?


In what kinds of social contexts did you meet most of your friends (and former friends)?

Thanks very much for all of your replies!

Handa Rei:
I think it's also related to aging. In our 20-30s everyone was more careless and there was less complains. The people you mentioned: "It sounds like you would be better off with friends who are understanding, tolerant and caring." --> many got married, having kids or moved abroad and they don't have time to meet. So what's left are the singles who are unfortunately very bitter in this area.

Mona Pereth:
I express it and I don't think I'm rude. Some examples are: when we walk around one of my friends, who hates people and is very narrow-minded points to people and loudly says how ugly they are, why they have pink hair or blue shiny boots whatsoever and if he had a gun, he would shoot them immediately. The other is racist and when he sees someone from another race he whispers racist stereotypes to me ("we should feed banana to that guy (pointing to a black man)" or "look there is yellow over there (to an Asian)" etc.
I constantly express that I don't think this kind of thinking is good or I ask them to stop, at least when they are with me, but no effect.
Talking about how much it drains me when they complain non-stop: they just say friendship is about sharing good and bad. You are right that it is essential part of friendship but the balance is very important. What some of them do is 80% complain or talking negatively about anything. But even if it is just one sentence from above (like racism) which is totally against my moral, it totally ruins my mood for the rest of the day. I'm fine to share good and bad, but I need happy times too and right now rather 80% happy time and 20% complain.

Talking about autism: I was diagnosed some months ago. When I mentioned my assumption before the diagnosis they all immediately shut me down in half sentence with "No, you are not, you are normal". When I had the diagnosis, there was either dead silence or they didn't accept it.

My friends are always colleagues or ex-colleagues. I don't go out anymore, even though I tried certain activities like drawing or yoga in group, those weren't events where people talked to each other.

They don't have time to meet, but do they have time for an occasional phone conversation, or perhaps an occasional exchange of text messages? Can you at least stay in touch with them occasionally?


In what kind of place do you live? (Large city, small city, suburb, rural town, or isolated rural?)


Yuck! I certainly would not want to hang around with people who talk like that either. When you said that they "complain" all the time, I assumed you just meant things like complaining about what a bad day they had at work, or complaining about their lousy love life, etc.


Sounds like you need a new set of friends.


Do you have any personal interests/hobbies of a kind that would more readily lend themselves to being talked about? Or any interests/hobbies that intrinsically involve structured social interaction, such as board games? If so, have you tried seeking out people who share those interests/hobbies?

Is Meetup.com or any similar site used in Hungary? Is there any other way that you can seek out people, or groups of people, who share specific interests of yours?

Another possible place to find better friends: Are there, in your area, any support groups for adults on the autism spectrum? A quick Google search led me to the following, which might be able to refer you to any well-established support groups that do exist, if you aren't already aware of them:

Autistak Erdekvedelmi Egyesulete / Hungarian Autistic Society
H-1066 Budapest
Jokai utca 2-4 II/8
Budapest
Hungary
Phone: 36-1-301-9067
Fax: 36-1-302-1094
Email: [email protected] / [email protected]
Website: http://www.autista.info.hu / http://www.esoember.hu

Hmm, I'm not so good with phone or video calls anymore, but maybe with one of them I can do that. There are some people who write sometimes, like 1-2 times per months.


In the capital, Budapest - about 2 million people plus the commuters from the surrounding villages, towns.
I live in a pretty area in the suburbs but work in the city.


Sorry, I conflated two things: people whose behavior is against my morals (like racism) and people who complain a lot or see everything on a very negative way.


I do have special interests but most of them is solo activity like drawing, cooking or playing games. I tried cooking for others and inviting them over but I got super anxious and messed up the food. If I just do it for myself, it' nearly always perfect. Drawing/painting clubs: people just don't talk there
Other thing is Japanese culture, so I go to exhibition or movies alone, but the popular culture (anime, cosplay) is only popular among children and young adults. My friends aren't interested in any of my hobbies, so they shut me down quickly.
But the biggest problem is I'm very anxious to meet new people. Mostly when I have to go alone and don't know anyone there. I just give up before event. I guess that's the reason why nearly all of my friends were from my workplace.


Not too popular, I signed up to some groups but they never had a meeting and was shut down due to inactivity


Thank you very much! I don't know actually, because I'm still newly diagnosed. Most of the clubs I found was for children so far or for parents of them. But I will look into this one, thanks again!

Seems you and I have some similarities. I was diagnosed last summer at 43 years old. I've discarded everyone in my life including family over the years. I'm luckily relatively comfortable with just myself so it's not so hard. The pain of someone dismissing my perspective is always greater than the joy of having someone to talk to. When you really need someone the way that YOU need them, I've yet to find someone willing to help so I don't bother.

I don't think my way is healthy or even helpful. But it's just what I have going on...

In my opinion, what you and many others of us may need is some way to bring together autistic adults who live in the same locale and share particular interests, and who can then go out together to events pertaining to the common interests. Perhaps you might feel less awkward that way?

Yes it seems we are in the same boat. The difference is maybe I always wanted to fit in and thought something is wrong with me, too inflexible, other people don't seem to have this tendency to dump others this frequently.
But recently I spent so much time alone and got used to it and enjoy it - thus the balance of the scale between fitting in and don't be alone AND be myself and might take the risk to stay alone shifts to the latter one. It's kind of sad though.

Yes, I was always very dependable. If someone who I know comes with me, even if they don't say a word, I feel much more confident.

Hopefully there's an adult ASD support group in your area. If you were to attend such a support group, hopefully you could eventually (though probably not immediately) find people there who share your interests, and with whom you could then attend groups that revolve around those interests.

I think I get it. It's always a balancing act and I don't know if it's this way for you, but I have a hard time moving forward in a relationship when someone disappoints me and they don't want to take the time to understand why or infer that I'm overly sensitive... I don't see the point in trying to relate to people so shallow, so I move on quickly at that point.