Friendships out of obligation

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Hi:
I was wondering how many of you have ever had a situation where you associated with someone based on the fact that you are of the same status really aren't compatible? Rather, you are just in a relationship just because you feel you can relate to a person and their status. Otherwise, neither of you are happy in that relationship and etc.

For example

I seem to find this a lot along with autism and anyone within the disability community who are thrown together based on attending things like support groups.

Anyone else experiences this.

What exactly do you mean by same "status"?

Do you mean, for example, both (or more) people being autistic (and not necessarily having anything else in common)?

Or do you mean both (or more) people being autistic and also being of the same "status" in other senses of the word, e.g. same socioeconomic class?

It's certainly true that autistic people who meet in a support group can relate to each other based on our common experiences of being autistic in the NT world, and might begin to become friends on that basis, but in many cases might not have enough else in common, or might not like each other well enough, to become good friends otherwise.

I personally consider most of the people at the support groups I attend to be associates, not friends. It's a more intimate kind of association than, say, being a classmate or a co-worker, but still does not have all of what I consider to be the ingredients of friendship.

Hopefully I'm in process of becoming actual personal friends with at least some of the people I know from support groups, but I certainly don't expect to become friends with all or most of them.

The title of your post was "Friendships out of obligation." I don't feel that I am obligated to become friends with everyone in the support groups I attend, nor are they obligated to become friends with me. I do feel that we are all obligated to be friendly to each other, and to be supportive in the context of the group, but that's not the same thing as being actual personal friends.

Do you feel obligated to become actual personal friends (not just friendly) with all the people you've met at a support group? If so, why?

Oh, I get it ...

It's like when someone claims that you and someone else should become friends because you're both from the same state, or something really stupid like, "You like pancakes and she likes pancakes, so why don't you two get married?"

Blech.

Mona Perth, when I mean status, yes people who come from the same social status background should hang out whether they have something in common or not.

What I am mostly talking about is there seems to be this assumption that just because you have a disability, you are obligated to associate with others who have a disability, whether either party and the other people in their lives like each other or not.

In what context do you feel obligated to associate with anyone in particular? How has this assumption/obligation manifested itself in your life?

I'm at a bit of a loss even to imagine this, unless you're talking about guys trying to manipulate you into going to bed with them. That I can easily imagine. Alas, there do indeed exist guys who try to get laid by guilt-tripping women, and I can easily imagine disability solidarity being used as one possible excuse for such guilt-tripping.

I do think it's a good idea for autistic people to make friends with other autistic people, but this certainly doesn't mean we need to become close friends (or sex partners!) with every autistic person we happen to run into.

ah? it got a bit confusing with the relationship, if everything is a relationship then what is a relationship?
but to the point (maybe) with all the dutch that was "exiled" some came to the idea of a "dutch club" to do whatever "dutch" things
what's the point?
we came seriously to live here, ao for the children we mingled with the village and we're still here,
while the dutch who saw the french living as a party with endless streams of visiting partygoers, didn't get their children to addapt to it's ways, how to trive at school when your parents call the system backward?

i like the aquintance box better, or you get to go to troubles like birthdayparties and wotnot

Have you ever heard of the saying that goes "Birds of a feather flock together?" Society seems to think that just because someone is autistic or a similar disability that they should automatically "Be friends." This especially seemed to be true with individuals who live with parents to look at the disability and join things like support groups. So their children connect with other people on the spectrum regardless of their interest and their situations.

I have associated with people in a situation like this based on meeting them through adult programs at an autism center. Of those, most seemed to still depend on their parents. Some don't have jobs and most of them still depend on their parents. Meanwhile, I am on my own and I have a job and I am in school. In addition, so I can't relate to them. Moreover, I just have found that I don't have much in common when it comes to interests. All the while, their families and I can't stand each other because they can't stand it that I am independent when their kid is not.

Well, yes, it's natural for people to join support groups of people with a similar disability. Doesn't mean they'll all become close friends, though.


Were you independent when you first started going to adult programs at the autism center, or is your current independence a relatively recent achievement?

Of the ones who don't have jobs, have most of them tried and failed to get jobs, or are most of them considered too disabled to work?

Of those who work but are not independent, what kinds of jobs do they have, and are they in school or some kind of job-training or other program that might help them get a better job eventually?

What general kind of job do you have? Is your longterm career goal the same as, or a natural sequel to, your current job, or something different?

Have you talked to anyone in authority at the autism center about the possibility of creating a new support group or other program for adults who do have jobs and/or are living relatively independently but still would like to be part of a support group or other program more relevant to specific kinds of struggles faced by autistic people in your situation?

Oh wow, can I relate to this. (I posted a thread in the Haven on a similar topic not long ago.) I generally get along better with other ND folks . . . Depending on how their symptoms manifest themselves. If they’re similar to me (I have days where I struggle with executive functioning but generally manage pretty well and have a lot going on in my life), it’s fantastic. If they have no life or interests apart from the milieu I generally see them in (say, 12-Step meetings), I find it a lot harder.

I have no advice, but I get where you’re coming from.

By nature, I was always more independent but struggled so, there was a time where I needed more support. Now, I live on my own and have been able to do so. As for the autism center, I attended their programs and events to learn social skills and how to intergrate into society.

Now regarding the friends who I have associated with, there was nothing ever in common. Rather it was, "Hey, you're lonely, and I need someone to hang out with," next to these overly protective parents, looking for friends for their kids. These parents also assumed that because we have disabilities, we should go together.

Regarding their goals
1. No, of the ones who were obligations like that, no.
A. One of them lives with their mom, who is very controlling and seems to think people with disabilities are to be seen and not heard. She continues to function like an 11-year-old, though she is 37. She doesn't have anything going for her.
2. The second one did go to college and get certification but her family seems to be holding her back. She still lives at home and isn't very motivated. Meanwhile, her siblings are extremely successful and quite a good social standing in society. Yet, they have not lifted a finger to help her move forward with her life in any way or form. Instead, they dump her off on a work program or two because all they see is her disability. She has potential but no one sees that with her. She seems like she could be very independent.

I’ve had two friendships where I felt like I had to keep them only because I was under the illusion they were fellow “brothers in suffering”. In reality, they weren’t because they caused their own problems and I had a lack of self respect. One I had to get away from because he would throw childish tantrums at an ever growing rate and finally “tore it” between us when he broke his parents’ bathroom door.

Marnkis,
That's another reason why situations like that are not healthy because you could end up in a situation where the circumstances don't make you feel comfortable. Now, the relationships that I posted above were not the only two situations where the obligations were in place.

1. I had met another friend through a sheltered workshop while on a 30-day work evaluation. She had some great qualities but because her parents were overly protective of her, she just never matured. She was also incredibly spoiled had was allowed to get her way. Things were so bad that she didn't listen or seem to respect the boundaries of others. For example, she would call me excessively every night and would have a fit if I didn't give in to her demands. She definitely did not listen when I asked her to stop. To top it all off, her mother was not the nicest person and I had a few run-ins with her.

2. I was also friends with a woman who I met at a support group for adults on the spectrum over a number of years ago. We associated it for 8 years but it was the wrong reason. Otherwise, we just did not get along for a number of reasons.
A. We had nothing in common other than being on the spectrum
B. We were envious and jealous of each other
C. We walked on eggshells around each other
D. We had different views on things
E. There ended up being a conflict between us that never went away

She ended up deciding to cut it off, which I was upset about for a while but I think we are both better off finding other people.