Asperger's Marriage and Respect

Post Reply New Topic

Well, I'm not AS but not not exactly NT either. Been married to an AS for 39 years. (Just got the diagnosis).

If you look at Alli's request deeply, you may see what the NTs were reacting too, and might just agree with them. That they do this via empthay etc. rather than analysis does not invalidate it.

Some key words here - 3 years, my whole world, and "want to help him". And from him - He wanted to be normal.

3 years should leave the relationship better formed than this. The BIG RED FLAG - my whole world - AS need space and would be overwhelmed by such a person - especially over a 20 year period plus. She needs to get and have a life. The helping aspect borders on rescuing. (think about the old rescue, persecute, and victim triangle) This can set up her as an abuser later and as a victim. Especially, if she is looking for him to rescue her from lonliness, this could be downright dangerous. The lasting relationships we've seen have not been based on rescuing.

That he wants to be normal is a recipe for frustration.

My own advice would have been somewhat different, pointing out some of these pitfalls and suggesting finding an experienced counseler to determine what her motives really are and the effect this would likely have on them both. I would not see this a being a promising relationship.

Ok, so I would like to input a bit here, even though I'm not married...yet. Suiseiten and I have been in a great, loving relationship for the past half a year, there's been some slight discord but we work through it. Matter of fact, we've recently gotten into political debates, which are 99% guaranteed to turn nasty for the average couple, but we tend to debate quite civilly. While I haven't proposed marriage yet, the both of us have hinted at a life together, and we came to the consensus that it would be best for both of us if we finished up college first: that way we could get settled into the work force and also have time to really get to know each other and see if our relationship would last. And finally, we are both Aspies. I was diagnosed at age 5, she was diagnosed this summer after a hint from my mother.

Aspie relationships are difficult, but not impossible. And as for all this Cassandra Syndrome BS, I think it's just an excuse for estranged ex-wives to blame everything on the husband and say "poor poor me" and whine and complain. With an attitude like that, small wonder why they can't stay in a decent relationship. But I'm happy with my girlfriend, and I want to make her happy as well. That's really all that matters.

And that's my 2 yen.

I enjoyed reading all your different perspectives on relationships. I am AS (I believe). I plan to get diagnosed. The funny thing is, I have been told by guys (including my current bf) that I'm like a typical guy in many ways. I tend to be less chatty and empathetic than most women. Anyway, the reason I'm on here today is due to a recent issue I had with my bf. We were at a church dance, and a couple came over to us and introduced themselves. They later gave me "Ew" looks as my bf put it. And when they left they told him it was nice to meet him, nothing to me. I actually didn't notice, but he told me later. Anyway, he was embarassed by me. I had hoped that sonmeday we could work out our differences. Now I'm all depressed because I'm wondering if anyone will ever accept me for who I really am. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Geesh... so much gloom and doom, everywhere you look at reports of marriages between Aspies/NT's!

What about the good parts? The fact that even though we're obsessed and sometimes locked into our own minds/agendas, we can be pretty damn interesting when we learn to communicate in a way that engages others?

@ Poopylungstuffing... lol yes I AGREE about the being glued to the computer part that is my way of coping with stress too. My partner and I live in separate households, and she is very neat and I am well, cyclic. I have my periods of fanatic neatness and order followed by stress, breakdown and complete entropy (where I just throw in the towel and let the house go to pot, and escape in internet land). I know if we lived together, I couldn't do that, and I'm anxious that I'm not ready to change yet with all the other pressures in my life, so for now we are staying put in our separate residences. I honestly like this arrangement because it allows me to be a "cyclic" great spouse as well I can be mentally prepared when she comes over, and be focused on her in a more NT way. When she leaves, I am happy to have the downtime to focus inward, be uncommunicative, leave the dishes in the sink occasionally and space out on the computer. I don't see this as a form of dishonesty. We are extremely close and know each other very well, but we know our limits, and for now at least (not forever) this works for us. I think sometimes AS/NT relationships could definitely benefit from a long breaking-in period of separate residences. Personal space is such a big issue for AS people, and also it can be socially exhausting to constantly try to remember the rules of a relationship. It is nice to get a break to space out and be antisocial

My partner LOVES being with a "nerd" who loves to research things compulsively, who has lots of specialized areas of knowledge left over from past obsessions, and who is quirky, extremely (sometimes painfully) sensitive and a little "different." And I think another great quality AS people have is our innocence. I see this in my daughter (also AS) and in others I recognize with my Aspie-dar (kind of like gaydar for Aspies ). There can be a naivete that is cute and endearing. I know it sounds disingenuous to say this about a condition you have yourself, but I think I can safely say that overall, I have always been pretty naive, gullible, and sometimes quite socially clueless!

I think it is the responsibility of people with AS to learn to be kind and empathetic. It doesn't come naturally for me to comfort others, to listen to them, and to always have an emotional "give and take." It's been almost a relief for me to learn why listening and engaging with others SO doesn't come naturally to me. I am a natural monologuer, and a bad listener, but I'm not a bad person... I just have AS and have to work extra hard on these areas. But having AS does NOT excuse me from at least making the effort to listen and be quiet sometimes. When my partner comes home from work, yes, it's an effort for me to remember to ask "how was your day." And then to actually be able to listen. And it has nothing to do with love or not actually caring how her day went, it is just how I'm wired. One of the biggest mistakes you read all over the internet is the AS "lack of empathy." That is such a crock. If anything, I think many of us feel TOO much empathy. For example, I have always been intensely uncomfortable comforting grieving or very upset people. One, because I have uncomfortable issues about touch and personal space, and I don't like to touch people or be touched in any way without invitation... I never feel comfortable hugging people spontaneously or putting my arm around them, which is socially expected in that situation. Two, because I feel their pain too much and it really affects me, and I become paralyzed and don't know what to say. Either I go into total intellectual mode and offer advice, which isn't really what they want (they want listening, which I'm very bad at!), or I just stand there not knowing at all what to say or do, and feeling very bad that I am unable to relieve their suffering. I can be so socially clueless at times, too, that I emphathize with people that don't really merit the empathy... people who are intensely distressed because of their own foolish choices, or who are constantly attracting some crisis in order to gain sympathy and drag others down (like my ex for example ) ... it's very hard for me to distance myself from the "bad" kind of sympathy seeking, and emotional "vampires," etc, so I am always so wary and socially anxious in situations where someone needs comforting. I may come across as lacking empathy, which is so far from the truth. I am tired of these misconceptions.

I show my love in different ways than most, I guess. One of the things I love to do is planning. I am a compulsive planner because I so much love to research, and I feel anxious unless I know what to expect. And even though my partner is totally the opposite, she very much appreciates my planning and sees it for what it is... love and concern for our future and security, not just some kind of obsessive compulsive neuroticism.

I think also to be fair, NT's need to understand our limits. It has to be a two way street. Just because we're not the "norm" doesn't mean that we are bad partners and spouses. For example I have a lot of auditory and tactile sensitivities. If I tell my partner that she's talking too loud or that I don't want to be touched or hugged, she does not take offense. There are some days after I'm frazzled and overstimulated from a day at work that even talking to me or touching me in any way makes me feel jumpy and almost like a cat ready to scratch in annoyance. I can express this in a friendly way without making her feel bad, and then make a conscious effort to do something nice for her later (and enjoy it, of course ). She, on the other hand, can understand me and not make demands I can't fulfill. And be OK with my quirks.

I really don't see what the big deal is. The problem is people with AS who aren't aware of it, or don't accept it. If you know you are blind, you will ask for help with things occasionally or at least admit that you have a very real handicap. If you have AS, you should do the same. Part of that means sometimes, trying to get over your hangups and just adapt a little. You both have to give a little in any relationship.

It just irritates me when I read about how people married to those with AS feel so miserable and have low self-esteem, etc from all the "abuse" and "neglect." That's not AS. That's because either that person doesn't accept their quirks or takes them personally, or because the AS person is a jerk (or in denial of having AS). Anyone can make a marriage or partnership work if there is love and consideration for the other person's needs and differences. There's no need to demonize people with AS, we fall in love and have relationships too, even if we have our own set of challenges. I think honesty, disclosure, and self-awareness is really the most important thing we can strive for.

BTW, I am an Aspie from a long line of them... my father and grandfather are likely undiagnosed Aspies, and my father got very annoyed when I suggested he might have it. Honestly, I think kids of Aspie parents either become Aspies themselves because they learn it's normal, or they become shaped by the quirks of AS and become reactive or more habituated to them.

My partner is the most reassurance-loving, cuddly, sentimental, demonstrative person on the planet, and I'm completely the opposite... and we've been fabulously happy for 4 years. Also, she is a joker and normally loves to flirt with people's physical taboos (ie tickling, surprising with "boo" etc, doing things that slightly annoy them in jest, etc), which is all definitely NOT ok for me. I don't even like my ears whispered in because I have extreme auditory sensitivity, and I often have to remind her of my comfort level with voice volume and touch. I had to just explain how I work, and try to meet her halfway. Which is good for me too, I don't like to monopolize all the boundary issues in the relationship. I think one thing people with AS can do, and it's very, very easy to remember, is to make up "rules" about relationship. The rule is that when they ask you about your day, instead of going on for 20 minutes, you say something brief and then ask them about theirs while making eye contact and smiling. The rule is that when they are tired and in a bad mood, you don't go on for ages about your special interest. The rule is that you remember to sometimes buy gifts, give them a foot rub or other chosen form of pampering, remember their birthday, and their parents' birthdays too... you can even put it on your calendar if it helps .

Seriously... remembering "the rules" goes a A LONG WAY in making an AS/NT (or any!) relationship work and there is NO REASON someone with AS cannot learn them, and NO REASON a NT cannot learn to respect the non-socially-normal boundaries of their beloved!

Just my 2 cents (or more like $200, as usual .

BTW, I agree that if you don't want to deal with someone with AS don't marry them!! !

And if you find out later into the marriage that they have it, well, you signed up "for better or worse!"

Would you marry someone with severe celiac syndrome, and get mad because they can't go out to restaurants with you?

Come on. People need to get a life and stop blaming AS people for the bad relationships. What a lame forum. I am glad this one is more supportive.

I haven't read all the responses, but a lack of communication nearly killed my marriage. My husband is the NT in our relationship and he assumed that I thought like he did. We just discovered a couple of months ago that I really don't think at all like he does. We've known each other since middle school (we weren't friends until late high school though) and looking back he can see AS traits from back then too.

He thought that I didn't love him and was controlling. I thought everything was fine because he didn't TELL ME about any of the things he was dissatisfied with.

Now he knows that he has to tell me those things *very* clearly. He gives me scripts to use if he needs reassurance or appreciation when I'm not sure how best to give it. I'm trying to actually figure out how I feel most of the time so that I can tell him because he cannot accurately tell from my body language how I feel. He thought I was mad at him most of the time and didn't believe me when I assured him that I wasn't.

We've found a balance now, finally. I wish we'd known about AS sooner because then maybe we wouldn't have had so many years of misunderstandings and hurt, but I guess it's better now than never.

Message Deleted

I've never even been married.

My AS husband and I are skilled at the style of communication needed for our relationship to thrive. The calm and paced, "This is how I experienced what you said" or "Your words said one thing but your body language/tone said another", or "This is what I heard, how much of that did I get right?" Going through the process and taking the time to clarify what the other person is trying to communicate, before we let our emotions jump all over each other. We are skilled when we are in the right frame of mind. It's just that he tends to get stuck in low self-esteem and fear of being vulnerable (due to past experiences and his experiences with me in his AS history), and I get stuck in my grief process and accepting what the "diagnosis" means for my expectations of our marriage.

And from there, we both get stubborn and angry and scared and silent. But we have a deep love for each other - the kind of depth that I believe is the exception not the rule. So strong that we would rather live out the excruciatingly painful misunderstandings than walk away from each other. We can't seem to give up Hope. Call if fear of being alone if you will . . . I prefer to call it commitment.

Our generation plays such a significant role in how we understand AS - the unrealistic expectations, the dysfunction and baggage that my husband and I both brought to our marriage - has made it difficult for us. I am hoping that our AS son will have a less tumultuous relationship with his chosen partner, now that we as a society have such a better understanding of AS and so many more resources and solutions; now that we actively help our son better understand how his own mind works and how it fits in with the NT world of that damned Conventional Wisdom.

The very best to all of us NTs and Aspies . . .