family memers arguing

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I am an adult with grown children. When my children argue with each other or their partners it causes me to have great anxiety almost to the level of panic. It effects me for days. By then everyone is getting along again. I don't get involved in the arguments, just knowing about them or over hearing them causes great distress. I don't even understand it. It feels like the end of the world to me. This problem is much worse now that I'm older.

Anyone else experience this? How do you get through and above it? I want to crawl into a hole.

I have a similar problem with my parents. For my whole life, I have had to endure them arguing, being passive aggressive, or saying cruel things to one another. And they argue about nothing! "I was there on Tuesday." "No, it was Wednesday." "It happened on Tuesday and I know that because..." "You're wrong, it was Wednesday." Yikes! Who cares?

I've pointed this out to them many times. They can't communicate with each other. I try to be a mediator, but my mom doesn't understand that evidence and logic offer better arguments than feelings do, and my father doesn't believe he could ever err. Yet, they're fine the next day. They forget.

I don't forget. I'm sure I remember more arguments of theirs than they do. I hate it. I hate the noise, I hate the conflict, I hate that neither wants to change. If one stopped, so would the other. And the frustrating thing is that one knows this to be true but has difficulty changing old patterns, and the other believes that he's entirely in the right.

I could go on and on, but I want you to know that I am working with my therapist on this stuff. He said to leave the room, or, if you have to stay, put on earplugs. It took a while to convince my parents I wasn't being rude; I was just protecting myself, my feelings, and my senses. We feel things so differently from others. An argument to them may be fine, but to me, the conflict shreds me and my anxiety goes through the roof. You don't deserve anxiety.

If any of your family members will listen to you, I would tell them individually what it feels like to witness someone's argument from your point of view. That can be the explanation for why you can leave the room, send them to a different room, or, if you're in your own house, kick them out until they can be civil. It's not simply an annoyance to autistics. It leads to perseveration, and we get back to that anxious state as though it were happening at that moment. It's really hard to move forward when you have all these things in your mind that you don't need, all these arguments that should be conducted privately. Some autistics (myself included) feel the pain of a hurtful comment more than the person to whom it was intended. They're the ones with the problem, not you. Their behavior is bad, not yours, and you are not asking too much if you ask them to stop.

Arguing unproductively should be considered a communication disorder, but it's so ubiquitous that it's completely accepted and sometimes even enjoyed by neurotypicals. If you feel like nothing will work, breathe. Belly breaths. Focus on something else (it's hard, I know, when there's yelling all around you). Stim. Recite a poem to yourself. Pray, if applicable.

There's probably no perfect solution. Nobody can change another person. Only themselves. But there are coping methods that we can use. Coping in a different way, however, is change, and it's difficult to change, especially if nothing you were doing is wrong.

Best of luck!

My partner when his mother and sister argued had to be the peacekeeper between the two when he lived with his mum which he said was frustrating and difficult.

Now living in his own place he don't get involved and the last time thankfully they don't argue big much tried to get him involved he just said "your both welcome here and I love you both but sort your own crap out. Also if you both come over here and start arguing i'll throw you both out on the street so you can fight like ally cats"

Both never after that comment got him involved again.

Could you ask them to avoid arguing in front of you? Perhaps go to another room if they need to argue? Or maybe you could be the one leaving?

If they're not violent, then I think it might be best just to learn to deal with it somehow. Arguing is part of life after all since people can't get along all the time.

How right you are!

I'm laughing but I know how awful it can be, I made significant sacrifices to get that kind of thing completely out of my life. It was definitely worth it and it did wonders for my mental and even physical health, but I understand it's not possible for everybody.

Thank you everyone for your responses. With them I don't feel so alone. Perseverating was mentioned in one of the replies. That is my issue. It's so difficult to break out of sometime. I love perseverating when it's about something I enjoy. My goal is to distract and use my attention to focus on something I enjoy.

My daughter is on the spectrum and hates it when other people in the family argue. I tell her if it doesn't involve you, just make some popcorn and enjoy the movie.

If she takes it literally and actually does that, then soon it will have her involved.

I was thinking, what movie?