The skillset of some ASD people, mindblowing

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I think its fair to realise some people are high functioning and undetectable. Function well in jobs and social relations in life and have friendships amongst colleagues or a social relationship. Do well with customer service.

Because I see the struggle of someone I love (my adult daughter) and what she goes through just to have the most basic social skills. Her world is so small with no friendships or employment. Her social anxiety is keeping her from friendships, relations with people and employment.

I find it hard and impossible to perceive that people can be ASD but have all those skill, achievements and relationships. Is it the fact that they may not have social anxiety with their ASD. They said my daughter was on the higher end of the spectrum, her social anxiety is crippling her as well, so I dont see her as high functioning as once thought.

I can't wrap my head around how successful some ASD folks are, given where my dauhter is at. I know its a spectrum, but still...

Honestly, it's best not to compare.

I mean, yes, there are a few autists who seem to be doing well, I'd probably count myself one of those. And the reasons that I can be doing so well are down to a mix of: having had a very stable, loving and happy childhood; being verbal, relatively extroverted by nature and without too much social anxiety; lacking a diagnosis for most of my life and hence learning to be persistent in working through or around difficulties; having a high IQ and being naturally inclined towards technical jobs with little social requirements; not having really severe sensory issues; and just luck and good fortune.

However, I'd suggest looking more deeply into the premise of your question. It's likely to wind some of us up the wrong way, let me explain...

Firstly, you are defining skillsets and success in neurotypical terms. This mindset that success in life is judged by numbers of friendships or the ability to secure full time employment is quite damaging to autistics. I understand where you're coming from because my son is having similar issues, being at the moment a stay-at-home recluse, and I do worry about him a lot. But I believe the way to help our adult kids is by assisting them in finding a way of life that will provide a sense of purpose while maintaining mental and physical wellbeing. For many autists this may not include having much of a social life or employment, and that is perfectly OK.

Secondly, for someone on the autism spectrum to be living a successful life in neurotypical terms, there is a heavy cost involved. For myself, for example, I'm able to go to work every day and fit in with others relatively well, even attend the odd social event. But what you don't see are the private meltdowns and the weekend-long recovery periods in which I can barely get out of bed. You may not be aware of the episodes of anxiety and depression which go along with pretending to be normal.

I know I'm not painting a pretty picture here and this is doing nothing to ease your concerns for your daughter. But I guess what I'm saying is that to understand and assist autistics to achieve success and be the best they can be, it's worth spending a bit of thought on what success would look like for that individual. Accept it may be different to what we're indoctrinated to believe. And try not to compare.

I know how you mean.

Apparently I have a cousin who seems to be on the spectrum but never got diagnosed because his parents were the sort to sweep things under the rug. But as a teenager he seemed to have more friends than I did. He invited two friends round for a sleepover on his 12th birthday, and he had a small group of friends at school and always had someone to walk home from school with.
Actually, same with my brother. He's got diagnosed with Asperger's this year but he's never struggled socially. Through school he was accepted by the popular kids, and was always hanging out in a large group, and was invited to lots of parties and sleepovers. There was never a time when he was lonely or bullied. I'd know because I went to the same school as him and he was always with friends and looked rather happy, and now as an adult he says he was never bullied at school. He basically lived the same sort of social life as a popular NT. AND he wasn't into sports or had any interests that he could share with a group. He just had the stamina to be able to fit in normally with popular NT kids, which kind of cancels out the meaning of ASD.

I, on the other hand, lived the same sort of life as a typical autistic teenager, even though I am only on the mild end of the spectrum (Asperger's). I done weird and embarrassing things like stalking people without really knowing. I was rejected and ostracized by peers without ever understanding why. I was extremely unpopular. I was lonely. I didn't shave my legs because I didn't think girls were socially obliged to that badly. I said inappropriate things and embarrassed others. I was often targeted and laughed at. I got unhealthy obsessions that I let control my mind and put them before my grades. The list goes on.

How old is your daughter? I'm 30 now and I've come a long way; I moved out and living with my boyfriend and I have a job that I love and I fit in well. But when I was aged between 18-24 I had major emotional issues. I kept having meltdowns from too much overwhelming depression, I couldn't find a job and when I did finally find one it wasn't what I wanted and so I was unhappy and anxious, I liked to keep to a routine that revolved around my obsessions and got upset if anything changed it. I was even suicidal and thought my life wasn't worth living. I thought I'd never find a boyfriend and move out. I hated myself. I was unhappy. I never went clubbing or anything that other young people normally do, and I beat myself up about it. If your daughter is late teens/early 20s, she might just be going through a phase and things could get better as she gets older.

It is because she has learnt masking. Masking is hidden and only reveals that it is there if the mask does not suit the situation. Example is when one may laugh innapropiately. Classic example is when someone says a joke where most people will get because they work well in a social setting so would "Get it", but the one on the spectrum masking would not get it, so would laugh when one realized it was a joke, but it would be a false laugh to try to "Fit in" and others then realize the person is masking and be offended. This is when masking breaks down. It robs the individual of self confidence, and pushes them into depression..

Something I have noticed with the spectrum in regards of socializing, and I maybe wrong here, but there seem to be both ends of the extreme where one the one end some are not social and end up being bullied often by who they assume to be NT's, but on the other end there are a few who are very social and lead others but can also end up being bullies as they lack the skills to realize where the boundaries are. In my earlier years in school I was bullied and later best friends, and later bullied again and now as adults he is the only friend who calls in who was in my year in school and I really respect him for this... But my point is, that his Mum once told us that he was on thw autism spectrum diagnosed at an early age, but she had not told him as she did not want it to hold him back. I don't know if he knows! But he had no socializing issues.

I don't think it is helpful to do these comparisons. In any case, social anxiety is not an ASD trait. It is a common problem which is caused by ASD traits though. I see no one is suggesting a therapist. I have no direct experience using a therapist, to I won't comment on that. My suggestion would be to try new things to try to find a better fit for her personality. This includes social groups, social activities and occupations. I know this is difficult to initiate when she has become alienated by social anxiety. I think I would have been receptive to ideas from my mother but she was not very good at that. I remember trying things suggested by a coworker, but got discouraged when the specific suggestion didn't fit well. It took me way to long for me to figure out how to choose new things and try them. And of course there is the resistance to change thing that must be overcome.

Strange definition of skill set!

I once took a course. Most of the class consisted of either up-and-coming managers or engineers. One of the tests given during the course was to assess the degree of introvert/extrovert each person has. I was on the extreme side of being an introvert. As was many of the engineers. Actually being an introvert was a quality of being a good engineer. Engineers ponder questions that require a technical approach, with deep focus, and a lot of concentration to arrive at proper solutions. It requires a good degree of understanding in mathematics. Managers on the other hand were extroverts. To be a good manager one must be a good communicator.

Some of the interesting concepts discussed in the class are:

* Around 50% of the world's population are introverted and the other half are extroverted. So having an introverted personality type is not a small minority.
* An introvert recharges their body by being alone. When stressed they seclude themselves in order to recharge. An extrovert recharges their batteries by being in a group setting. They bounce from one individual to the next in conversations and each time they pick up a little bit more charge.
* Being an introvert or an extrovert is not something that you change. It is part of your nature. Most Myesr-Briggs experts advise against trying to change this core nature.

They then asked the extroverts what they felt about the introverts. Most of the extroverts in the class wanted to include the introverts in their conversations. It is almost like they felt sorry for the introverts. They felt that they could have a big party and that will help correct the problem. They saw introvertedness as a problem.

Then they asked the introverts what they thought of the idea of having a party. The introverts almost unanimously thought the idea of a party was the absolutely last place they wanted to be. It produced too much stress and would drain their batteries.

So being an introvert or an extrovert doesn't mean that a person is broken and needs to be fixed. It means that some jobs are better filled by introverts and other jobs better filled by extroverts.

Most Aspies have introverted personalities. (Not all but most.) I personally fell the trend for trying to train Aspies into the skill set of extroverts is counterproductive. Rather it would be more productive to enhance the skill set that they were born to. To optimize their efficiency in being introverts.

With different skillsets comes with different set of issues.
As is if you see one autistic, you've seen one autistic.

It's not the introversion the issue, but how one navigates with it.
Not even anxiety or exhaustion, excitability or excess energy -- but an autistic's reaction to it.
Just any person's reaction to sets of consequences in general.


Reaction to rejection, failure, ridicule, exclusion...
And so does reaction to fear, anger, resentment, shame.

The same can apply in positives;
Reaction to inclusion, success, praise, esteem...
Even reaction to love, pride, joy, humor.


How other autistics work around, react and cope with anxiety and depression? I dunno.

But I do know it can change overtime.


The rest -- abilities, talents, knowledge -- are but secondary priority to me.
But it's a primary and a source of chance to others.



I'm definitely not like most autistics.
Because I'm an ambivert yet asocial autistic in a high context and collective society, more emotional and socially louder than your average western NT.

And I happened to react rather very differently with same autistic issues and same certain social circumstances that came along with it.

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i know what u mean and it makes me jealous as HELL but then i realize how i am probably would make someone else jealous as HELL if they allowed themselves to think that way... i mean .. yeah..


but yeah.. i feel especially jealous of parents ive met time and time again at groups fr training and teaching us skills of therapy , and playgroup therpay for our ASD kids etc..
and their kids are super capable or actually really skilled as u say, esp compared to mine
or totally NORMAL seeming in the sense that the parents are surprised that there are kids who cant talk and complain about minor mild things like 'my kid only likes THREE tv shows. i tried to introduce more.."
i hate how i feel ---but i also feel very shocked like, how is this possible??


i feel jealous because BOTH MY KIDS are more extreme than ANY of their kids


the reason i know is because, apart from being told so quietly by the conductor of the workshops a couple of times,
there are videos filmed of our kids with us, progress over time, and MY KID (even the milder one) was soooo much more behind all the others and so much more delayed
in fact one of them was unable to attend any of those group sessions after not being able to do even one--
well he wasnt accommmodated but their kids who could talk, walk ,dance, eat, drink, sing, have conversations , were accommodated. 'autism care' yeah only if they're not 'too autistic'


and at differnt things like spring camp where i took one of them, summer camp where i took both etc, they needed the most care/attention (esp elder) but given ZERO - i guess cuz counsellors thought it was too difficult or would rather pay attention to the 'easier more normal' kids who could do things (same age as my son) like OPERATE A FREAKING SEWING MACHINE AND HAD TONS OF FRIENDS etc..
than give him basic help even after i kept ASKING.. (except 1 of them really truly did help him for ONE ACTIVITY, ONE TIME ONLY over those 2 weeks- but my sons babysitter asked her to - somehow she was listened to)

makes me want to kill myself but i have kids to look after...
i really hate God if i allow myself to think about it ...

There are even non autistic people out there who also have social anxiety and are where your daughter is.

Be careful with judging other people based on their diagnoses and comparing them to your daughter.

These are milder cases, presumably. You can be "disabled" and it can mean missing a hand, or being completely paralyzed. But grouping them all together might not be the most logical solution (you would want further subgroups). So it's a matter of degree. There will be more of the mild cases because the more severe and extreme cases are just that -- extreme, and less common. They all get the same diagnosis (maybe not a good thing) unless functioning levels are taken into account as well. ASD isn't that specific of a diagnosis (especially compared to several years ago when at least there was Asperger's as a diagnosis). Previously you could've been looking at a much smaller group, more specifically focused on autism, instead of including Asperger's (and many, if not most of them will be Asperger's if that's being called ASD and these people are wanting some kind of help).