Feeling disconnected from my social self?

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Hi everyone! I am not yet sure if I am anywhere on the autistic spectrum though I have a hunch. I wanted to ask about something that's a bit difficult to phrase -- does anyone else consistently have the hyperawareness that ... you are locked inside yourself and your social presentation is not you? Even though you're controlling it, and technically it is you? I'm usually met with like, everyone feels like this, but for me I'm hyper aware of it and have a constant inner monologue going in social situations on what to do next, even if there's only a 0.5 second lag time between the thought and the speech I find I cannot act spontaneously socially. I act faux spontaneously. I do not feel fully myself in any interactions with others, ever. I only feel fully myself when im writing poetry or something of the sort. I can say with some sort of certainty that, ok, this thing I've written is me. I wonder if this is connected with the fact I'm always imitating people & differ in presentation of personality from one friend to the next? Is this all a symptom of masking? I do have a dissociative disorder as well but I feel like I've been doing this much longer than I've been experiencing PTSD symptoms

So how about getting a definative diagoses from your GP to try start....

It sounds like you might explode if you with the amount of thoughts processing in and out.

Do you feel like a mute at times and your conscience is telling you to avoid all contact to avoid overload in your stimulus?

Do you find yourself twitching after a conversation because you went against your thoughts?

Do certain noises like sound of cups smacking in tune with a tea spoon to the point of obsession or hearing a piece of a song echoing?

Do you feel frustrated like a five year old who does not want to do anything but lay in the bed and bang your head repeated?

These are my struggles...some are very different, everyone on the spectrum has weird obsessions as also a way of coping a difficult situation i.e there is person into a Rubix cubes and it calms him down when specific colors of his uniform do not match with his shoes.

Try reading a book on Autism or if you need a visual example. Go look up Autism on Youtube or on netflix e.g. Love on the spectrum.

Hope it helps?

I used to feel the same way. In my case, it was due to suppressed emotions. If you see a therapist for PTSD, they will probably tell you about conditioned emotional responses (where your mind associates the trauma with the emotions you felt when the trauma occurred) and how to reduce them. What many people don't know is that those responses are very common and don't require any trauma. One of the treatments for PTSD, gradual exposure therapy, can be used for many non-trauma related conditioned emotional responses. Eliminating emotional problems can greatly reduce your level of stress and help you understand yourself and other people much better.

I am skilled at something called "Metacognition".
I.E. Thinking about what you are thinking. It is very helpful in self-analysis.
But no, I don't Mask of feel obliged to do/think what other people want these days.
I used to when I was much younger.
I even asked people what I needed to say to make them happy.
I thought there was only one right way of thinking.

I also *had* a dissociative disorder on top of my autism, which caused me to have something called "Ontological insecurity".
This means you don't have a strong sense of personal identity.



I imagine part of this is because aspies tend to think more consciously, whereas neurotypicals are more intuitive when engaging in social interchanges. I verbalise mentally also.
This might be an indication you are on the spectrum.
Do you have difficulty in anticipating how someone is going to react to something you say?



This could be some level of Masking.



I used to imitate people, also. Once again, it might have something to do with you having a lesser sense of personal identity that you can cling onto.
Have you had any emotional trauma in your life which caused you to dissociate?



I don't think you have to have a dissociative disorder to Mask, just a desire to fit in.
And PTSD is common here. I am sure I have/had it but I don't let it bother me.

I have a mode I sometimes shift into where I say what others expect me to say. It gets me a really positive response (which is what I want), but in my head I'm thinking, 'I don't really believe in what I'm saying'. Its frustrating, but some times I need things from people who are not willing to take the time to see things from my point of view.
This may not be what you are talking about, but I hope you can relate.

IR