Reasons why I want to die

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I doubt anyone is going to listen to what I have to say, but I’ll say it anyway. Here are the reasons as to why I want to die.

1. My whole childhood was deprived of. I never had any loving figure, I was always physically beaten up whenever I said or did something wrong, and my parents admitted that they didn’t know any better.

2. I’ve never had a supportive figure or friend in my life. When I was diagnosed with autism it only intensified the bullying. My teachers had no idea what to do with me, my parents had no idea what to do with me, and all I was left with were feelings of frustration. I admit I made a ton of mistakes, said and did things I shouldn’t have, but I was punished for them as if I was a criminal.

3. To this day, everyone I’ve ever run into a problem with for whatever all tells me that it is all my fault and that they didn’t do anything wrong as I was a difficult child.

I’m at fault for everything, alright. Maybe if I die, this all would stop. I just want the pain to end. I don’t want this life of mine anymore.

I am not sure I can help. From what you wrote, you were bullied both verbally and physically. Many Aspies suffer from the effects of bullying and the shadow of bullying they carry with them for the rest of their lives. I am 71 and I still feel the ghost of this trauma.

Most of the bullying occurs during the Junior High School years for Aspie males and during High School Years for Aspie females. Then it tappers off. So even though I suffered. The suffering came to an end and I picked myself up and have lived a good life.

Part of this is related to the question of WHO OWNS YOU? Most people are woven into the fabric of society. They are like sheep. They are owned by the precepts of civilization. They do not own themselves. They care too much about what other people say about them and it constrains their actions.

But some people, in my opinion some Aspies, evolve into becoming non-conformist. They own themselves. These are some quotes about non-conformist:

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson

Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd. ― Marty Rubin

Getting over abusive childhood is a long and very difficult process. You need to learn being a person in your adulthood - having your own needs, feelings, ideas, dreams, all that things that got automatically supressed in order to survive when you were young.
Sometimes you have to take baby steps in it. Just one tiny thing at a time. Recognizing what you feel. What you want. What you miss. What you wish.
Exploring who you are.

We’re here to be your friends. If you want to be our friend.

Males are accruing value in their 20's but they haven't arrived there yet, whereas for women it's the opposite. Meaning you have to work on who you are, not who you were, to get to where you want to go. Don't dwell on the bad things that happened to you as that will paralyze you. I never had a supportive figure in my life either, and it's a big deal for men because only men can create other men, and being raised by single mothers throws us into confusion because they can't teach their children what manhood is all about, that can only come from other men.

Masculinity is currently in crisis and men are off in another world pursuing distractions, this makes us miserable and so we dwell on bad thoughts instead of holding firm to the objective. You're looking at the past because the future doesn't appear apparent to you, for it's only other men that can open the door to boys and show this path to them.

You have to principally put the things you want to do in life at the forefront of your heart, and pursue it with a religious zeal. In your 20's it's also very important not to fall into distractions/materialism/casual sex. Foolish men place so much emphasis of masculinity on casual sex that it really shows that the society has no idea what masculinity is, and that in this world it is pretty much every man for himself. Don't follow those men into hell, don't be held hostage by the past. Figure out what you want to do, and place everything else secondary. If you start dwelling on your past, get up and get started on something, walk around the block/get started on a project/etc.