What would you have done in this situation?

Post Reply New Topic

One time I was on a bus and was sitting on the seat right at the front because there was nowhere else to sit apart from the disabled/stroller area. Then this woman with this whiny little kid (looked about age 4) came on, and I heard the kid crying because I was sitting in the seat he wanted to sit in. Usually small children only play their parents up and don't dictate to strangers, but as the mother sat in the disabled area (she had a baby in a pram so had priority to sit there) the kid came over to me demanding to sit where I was sitting (it was only a single seat).
I wasn't sure what to do but I was running low on patience, and as a person who doesn't really like small children I tried ignoring him. Then I said, "well, you can't!" The mother didn't say anything, she just let him whinge and complain to me.
It would have been easier if the mother had told him that he can't have a seat if there's someone else is sitting there first, as the kid was at the age where they need to be taught the unwritten rules.
Feeling shown up by this kid I was in a bit of a predicament. I stayed put and didn't know if getting up and letting the kid have his way was the right thing to do or not. But if his useless mother wasn't teaching him any boundaries and I had given in to him he might think that he can always dictate strangers, which isn't right. Even I knew that as a kid.
He was small enough to be able to sit on his mother's knee or next to his mother, or stand and hold on to the pram or whatever.

Luckily they weren't on the bus for too long, but I just felt so embarrassed that I had to be the one that was sitting in the wrong seat at the wrong time. But there weren't anywhere else to sit and I don't like standing about in the aisle when there are prams on the bus, also I was comfortable listening to my music and had some shopping bags.
I don't know if the rest of the riders hated me for not letting some 4-year-old have his way or if they just thought "glad that ain't me in that front seat" or what but it did piss me off.

These unlikely situations seem to happen to me, and then people wonder why I overthink things and worry that unlikely things are going to happen. I know this isn't huge, but it can be distressing when you have social anxiety.
What would you have done in this situation?

(Ps. This happened before the pandemic).

I dislike little kids that act like this (intrusive and entitled). They make me uncomfortable. I struggle with knowing they are much younger than me and early in their development, but my basic instinct is to be just as annoyed by their intrusive behavior as I would with an adult.

I definitely would not have given in to the child. They need to learn that demanding things will not not get others to bend to their will. I likely would have either death-stared the kid down until they got the message and adult was unhappy with them, or I would have told them (firmly but nicely) to return to their adult.

I seriously doubt any of the other passengers would have thought poorly of you for not giving up your seat.

I would have given up my seat if I was on a crowded train and a small child was tired and stressed. But this situation was different. The child was very lively and he wanted to sit there because it was a seat right at the front which somewhat amused the child. Sitting next to his mother sounded too boring for the child so he wanted his way and to sit where he wanted. It surprised me that he didn't climb up and sit on me.

i dont think i would have liked it either having some strangers kid screaming and crying at me for sitting in a seat that they dont own and me feeling like im expected to handle it because his mother couldnt be bothered to lay down rules
the mother was probably preoccupied with her phone like most are these days instead of watching their kids

It just appears that these awkward situations always seem to happen to me, then people wonder why I sometimes feel agoraphobic. I do usually happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and I have a hard time dealing with it.

As the mum didn't intervene I would done some parenting and engaged with the kid in a friendly way, explaining why you can't always get what you want.

I'm afraid that after spending seven years working in a model shop selling R/C cars and the like I would've told the little brat in no uncertain terms to go away.

I REALLY dislike children who fail to follow the rule of be seen and not heard; unnecessary noise like this is a trigger for me.

I'm not really good at dealing with small children very well unless I know them well. And I felt like the center of attention even though it was the kid that was causing all the fuss, but where I come from it is a hidden social rule to tolerate small children and not get drawn to them if they're having a tantrum. But I felt like I should have done something, maybe I should have got up and let him sit there. But then why should an adult let themselves be bossed about by a small child?

Being an empath, I was painfully sensitive to what everyone on the bus was thinking. Some may have had sympathy for me for being in the wrong seat at the wrong time like "oh poor girl, I'm glad I wasn't sitting there having to deal with some kid throwing a tantrum", others might have had pity like "that stubborn girl should give up her seat for that poor crying child".
If it's anyone who should be judged and that is the child's mother. If that were my kid creating a fuss over something like that I would have got his hand and said "you can't sit there because there is already someone else sitting there, now come and sit here with me and stop being silly." But the mother just ignored him like she was expecting me to deal with her kid.

OK I know some people here might point out that the child might have been autistic or ADHD, but even so, being autistic or ADHD doesn't mean getting your own way all the time, and I, a stranger, is not expected to know their background and give in.

I generally assume people in forced social situations such as a bus are generally not paying attention to the people around them but in this situation it would have been unlikely that anyone bothered by the child would have found you at fault. When riding a bus I am typically consciously elsewhere, paying attention enough so that I don't miss my exit. But say I was already in an irritable mood and this child's volume was particularly irksome, first thought that would come to mind would be why isn't this child's mother handling him? I'm not sure I would have thought it was the fault of the stranger to appease the child's demands. You were completely in the right for not wanting to move or cave to a demanding small child.

I also happen to absolutely adore children from about 3-5 this is when they are just the sweetest little dears to me and it's very easy for me to be patient with them. Because I have this general and abiding love for children this age it would have been easier for me to smile to myself and chuckle oh this little guy doesn't know and then calmly explain that this is not how the bus works. "Sometimes your favorite seat is taken and that's okay. It should make you happier each time your favorite seat is open for you. But all the seats on all the buses don't belong to anyone, we just sit where we can find a seat. Sometimes people will be happy to help you if you ask them nicely. If you would have asked me nicely for this seat so that you could sit with your mom, I might have moved. But the way you asked was not very nice. You should not talk to strangers on the bus like this." The kid probably has absolutely no idea and he probably bosses around his parents like this. Since the mom has another child it's probably this little guy's way of still feeling important. And frankly the mom is probably absolutely exhausted from having 2 small children.

You did nothing wrong in your approach though. Also, I can all but guarantee it probably was not something that anyone else on the bus remembered past getting off their stop. Don't worry about it, you're fine.

I used to get that particular bus regularly and there was often older people on there that would chatter and gossip and comment on things. So I can just imagine some of them commenting to each other about the situation, and these people were the types that would gaze quite contently at a screaming baby.

So they were probably like "aw that poor little child really wanted to sit in that seat, shame on that stubborn girl that wouldn't move for him." Some older people love babies and young children but stereotype all teenagers and 20-somethings as being rude and selfish, so it was probably what they thought I was being (plus I look younger for my age so they probably thought I was like 20). The middle-aged/younger people were probably on my side or just ignored the situation altogether. But the kid was making it obvious enough how upset he was. He stood by my seat, pointed to it and cried, "I wanna sit there! I wanna sit there!" to me, not to his mother. I would have felt less awkward if he was with his mother and was whining about someone sitting in his favourite seat, but to actually stand next to where I was sitting and crying directly at me, it was very awkward.

Like I said already here, these sorts of awkward situations do often happen to me. I have more social anxiety around strangers, and so being in situations like this is a big deal.

I know it feels like a big deal. The only reason a person would be invested in offering an alternative perspective that maybe it wasn't such a big deal is to give an opportunity to reinterpret the situation so it doesn't have a pull or weight over you. It's for your benefit. I can almost guarantee you that everyone involved in this situation has forgotten about it already though. And even if people were noticing and even if you are correct in how they were interpreting the situation - you still did nothing wrong whatsoever. I can understand it felt awkward at the time for you. Are you open to the awareness that you might be projecting onto the situation what others where thinking, and then have accepted this projection as fact? Just keep reminding yourself you did nothing wrong if thinking about this gives you anxiety. You really did nothing wrong at all, the other adults were probably not as invested in the situation as you might think, and it's going to be okay the next time you ride the bus.

Of all the people who you thought were judging you at the time, how many of them do you think went on to tell their friends etc about what happened on the bus and speak negatively of you? I would be shocked if anyone did. Really, legitimately shocked. And if they did, it's really more a reflection of how interesting their lives are than it is about you at all. I would also be shocked if the next time you see these people they remember this situation. And if they do, then they really are tuning into things that are not really of much consequence to them, and it's more about them than it is about you.

I'm not saying any of this to invalidate your point of view or make you feel like I'm not listening, I'm just offering an alternative way to interpret the situation that makes the situation less heavy on you. Sometimes I can be overly direct and it can make people feel defensive or like I'm attacking them when my interest is the opposite.

Last edited by adromedanblackhole on 29 Nov 2020, 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is why it's best to sit at the back of the bus so no one bothers you.

Busses are proper annoying.

I would have just said to the mother "do you want to sort your kid out love I'm gonna get an important phone call any minute." then it's not like too rude or anything, you have a reason for it to be away from you.

Does it make you feel better to imagine that it's possible awkward situations happen for no particular reason to pretty much everyone but you have a great deal of power in terms of how you choose to frame the situation in your mind? I'm saying this only to encourage you. I'm just trying to help.

No you're not making me feel like you're attacking me. You wrote your post in an understanding way. In fact it was very reassuring. Thank you.
(Oh and thank you everyone else for your reassuring posts too).



Hmm, I'm not saying they all did but I bet some of them probably did. NTs (and myself) are known to chat about mundane/trivial things to their close relatives and friends when talking about their day.
But you're most likely right about them not speaking negatively of me to others. They probably just mention it during social chitchat then forget about it, as it was only a small thing hardly worth judging someone over (to them anyway, not so much to me, otherwise I wouldn't have wrote this thread).

I think this type of thinking comes from lack of trust in strangers (people I don't know). Due to past experiences I've had with strangers (even when I was at school I seemed to be bullied more by kids I didn't know) it has made me feel like I'm constantly being judged and observed in public, and when an awkward situation arises out of the blue I feel like I'm in the spotlight even if it isn't exactly me who's the one drawing the attention.

Yes, I understand. I feel this way in some environments too. More my workplace where I more or less know the people than somewhere where I can feel legitimately anonymous like on public transport. What has helped me is reframing the situation in my mind and depersonalizing it as much as possible. That people are mostly always telling you about themselves when they're judging you because objectively speaking unless there's some form of a relationship most people just kind of exist to other people.

I have started working on reframing my self-concept as a person the strong prey on. It's a belief I was led to accept multiple times in my life but here's the unfortunate kicker: if you are approach the world from a belief that you are prey, you are bound to attract predators. I would not say I've mastered this yet, but the basic motif is developing a sense of detachment from people and observing their behavior objectively without feeling threatened. As an example, say I have a bullying boss who wants to make me feel powerless so she can feel powerful. There is no reason for me to emotionally react to this scenario whatsoever. It's a statement about her and who she is and essentially has very little to do with me. And I have the power to choose if I'm going to let her make me feel this way.

I know many times when I'm venting I'm not really looking for advice, but if you're open you might find looking into content on building up your sense of personal power could be very helpful for you in your life.