Why feign interest in other people's interests?

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In a separate thread here:

You don't have to be actually interested in their interests. What you're doing is more along the lines of gifting social interaction resources (your time, attention, allowing them to guide the conversation, and occasionally actual thought). The pretence is, effectively, another layer of the gift, as people like talking about things they're interested in, and the conceit that you're interested in it too allows them to talk more freely, have more control over the conversation, be less stressed, and generally enjoy the interaction more.

At its core, it's more about building and maintaining social relationships using your time and mental resources as... not precisely currency, because there's no guarantee of a result and you're not entitled to one, but more like... hmm... farming? (Real-world farming, not video-game farming; in the real world any one particular seed is not guaranteed to sprout or grow well, but if you plant and nurture lots of them, many will respond - more, the more practice you get at it.)

Neurotypically, people do this nearly automatically, often without really knowing why other than "it's being nice". There's a subconscious drive to make and maintain social connections, and to learn how to do so by watching others, and that drive is active and running by default. Unless someone is very stressed, emotionally distraught, or has important things to be getting on with that override the drive, they will just about always be primed and ready to do this.

The feigning interest is just one of the ways this drive manifests.

From what I've understood, it's a social rule to show a little interest in a matter someone's talking to you about. It's considered polite, just like looking at the person you're talking to is even if you could say and hear what's being said just as well without doing so.

Well, according to Leonard Hofstadter, from The Big Bang Theory, you are supposed to feign interest with your girlfriend's stuff so you can have sex with her, that night.
It sounds reasonable to me.

It's hard for me to "feign interest" in other peoples' interests if I'm just not interested.

I have some "go tos," though. I might say "you could be right; let me look into this." Or I might try to relate another person's interest with mine in some way. I even succeed sometimes.

But I've gotten in trouble many times because I am one whose "disinterest" is obvious. My relationship with my mother was of that nature until recently.

In my own case, I feign interest not for others' sake. Almost never for others' expectations but my own.

I'd do it so it could've lead to something genuinely interesting or relevant.
How badly I'd want that depends how much I'm willing to invest -- which is usually either quell boredom entertainment or I seriously had to business.
Rarely ever had a clear goal in socializing.

The rest is a bonus to me. (Experience/memories/etc.)
If it goes further, it'll be something I can honor for most part (relationships/connections/etc.)


This is also a technique to make a person guard a bit down or make them excited - a use of 'being nice'.
To either put the conversation into a different tangent, or to mentally/emotionally smother them.

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That's the Aspie Conundrum---they tend to realize things in "retrospect," but not in "real time."

My mum is NT and is honest when we're boring her over certain things. She doesn't say bored but says 'I'm here'... Which is really obvious code for 'shut up talking about that subject it's boring'.

I wish I had the guts to say it back to her when she's waffling on about people I don't know.

Aspies tend to not change the topic or to change it to something we're into ourselves but to do it at the "wrong point". This is mostly due to the fact NTs are the majority so it's deemed the "wrong point" by the majority.

Finding common interests which are genuine is ideal. Not just for us but for everyone. That's how friendships are formed, you have a lot in common with the person in terms of personality and interests. Then the people who want to go to the nightclubs can go out together, the people who want to play the board games can play the board games and the people who want to gossip can sit together over a cup of tea.

The challenge is - have interests. Lots of them. Have a childlike (not childish) curiousity about the whole world. Then find out which ones the other person shares and talk to them about it.

(Was going to platonically gush over someone on here that does that but I won't lol - let's just say it's a skill which aspies and other autistic people are able to pick up and it eases conversations along nicely)

I feel like school/growing up takes that out of people. Remember when we were kids and we'd ask questions about everything? When I was little, even a trip to the corner shop was a big deal and exciting.