love versus special interest person

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Sooo, I am realizing that I think that I have difficulty determining whether someone is the right fit for me. Lots of my beginning relationships start with meeting someone, thinking "meh" they're ok...maybe I'll date them...and then next thing I know I can't get them out of my freakin head. Like a loop that continuously plays out. So even though they initially pursue ME I quickly overwhelm them with my intensity and they start to back off a bit which drives me into hyper anxious mode , then I can't stop reaching out to stop the anxiety. After they back off , it starts to lose its hold on me...they feel more comfortable and are pursuing me more, but now because a bit of the past indifference on their part, the "loop" in my head stops and I'm not interested. Like I want absolutely nothing to do with them romantically and I end up hurting them..
Does this make sense to anyone??
I recently met someone that I have SO much fun with and genuinely feel like it could be something special down the road (it's a hunk of temporary distance between us). I'm kinda falling in love maybe? I have been super intense and can tell he's backed off a bit PLUS he's on the spectrum as well so our interactions are always a bit awkward when we're not together. I'm scared that this is another special interest situation. And when I don't hear from him for a few days or so I get SO anxious that I end up reaching out when I know I should just give it space. I'm trying SO hard not to give in to the impulses, I can't eat or sleep. I just want to text so I know where I stand. Why can't people just be freakin direct?? Dating is so hard Ughhhhh

I definitely understand where you're coming from. New romantic interests are exciting; there's new potential, so much to discover, and it *feels* good to have someone in your life you're excited about. That would very well mean they become a special interest to you. Your intensity is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does seem to be making you anxious and that is not comfortable.

It doesn't sound like you are the problem, necessarily, but rather the problem is that you crave to be on the same page with people, and you are attracted to people who are less forthcoming and communicative. It would be great for you to meet someone with similar relationship goals who are as forthcoming with their feelings. In the meantime with this new person you're describing, I'd advise waiting for the other person to reach out first. They could be feeling overwhelmed, and some people need a little more space than others. When you guys get to know each other a bit more, I'd also let the person know you need direct communication and you can both discuss your views on how much you need to talk per day and other things you aren't sure about.

I also advise you to read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. This would definitely help you with the anxiety and worries you're feeling over new partners. (:

I feel you on that. When I meet people I get the "meh..." feeling as well and whether it be friend or someone I want a relationship with when I find someone I like I get anxious and can't stop thinking about them(whether it be our interaction, the person, what we are).

I usually have to back off myself and I also get hyper-anxious and have this impulse to want to text that person and can't let things just be. I have gotten better at it with my best friend and slowly am learning to let things be and not think the worst about the situation.

As for the anxiety part, for me it happens the most when I'm alone and in my head a lot so usually once I find something to distract me it goes away. If possible maybe you can find something you love to do to distract yourself from the anxieties or possibly take a deep breath and tell yourself that "everything is alright" I had to do the latter one yesterday.