Greetings!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi All, (BTW - Thanks web/graphic designer for matching the blue of the banner to the blue of selection highlight - very pleasing to the eye! I've never really done these forum things before so hope I thanked the right person.)

I'm a 32 year old undiagnosed (looking to change that) Aspie living in the Central Valley of California. I've a tendency to ramble and go off on tangents so far removed I frequently need to be reminded of where I am going or what I am getting at. I've usually been able to use self-taught tricks to redirect to the last available rabbit hole sign but frequently never make it back to the main topic or misread the intent of questions. As a keen and more frequent observer of those I care about, I can guess intent/whatever close to about 50% of the time. With strangers and acquaintances I am way more blind and easily deceived/misled. By way of personal reflection, conversations with those close to me throughout life, and an array of online information I feel my confidence level sits around 97% certainty in favor.
What about the 3%? I am always a second, triple, and quadruple-guesser of myself - but in a more factual way. Had I actually remembered to check this or that? Does this thought/action validate if run in this unlikely scenario? Is this memory really as potent as I think it is or is this confirmation bias? I tend to catastrophize and this has a couple different ways that it plays out; one which is super productive and the other which is horribly unfocused and unproductive as a result.
I feel like the whole world has some script I lost the pages to long ago but miraculously recovered over the years through the kindnesses of others, privilege, and luck. As these disparate pages turned up, some of the pages were torn, stained, or maybe even out of order. I found other "pages" in the company of a couple of extremely close friends (lifelong). Other pages were crumpled up and shoved between the pages of under-read books at the library. Still other pages I found and reinterpreted. I inevitably got them kinda twisted! I've been been in what I tell everyone are the "Field Sciences" for about 10 years. I've essentially been employed as a professional observer, recorder, and problem solver in the natural and anthropological sciences my entire life. I do not observe professional or scientific delineations, pecking orders, or sacred cows of "jurisdiction" and find them highly irrelevant, elitist, and stifling. I have landed myself in hot water (and possibly lost a job) for blindness to authority (jumping the chain) because it was the right thing to do, politics be forsaken.
I've only been able to keep the close friends I have through a commitment to loyalty and "keeping things real". Inevitably, what few folks I am friends with are some of the best people around since my willingness to question people/play devil's advocate always gets the best of me. I see this as the best and most intimate way to connect and engage with another human but this frequently pushes people away through boredom, or overwhelms them/makes them feel criticized. I get angry when multiple verbal stimuli occur, even at seemingly reasonable levels. I react with sharp anger and frustration at incomplete thoughts, debates, arguments, etc.... This has done absolute wonders for me at meetings and in my marriage. Mercifully, I married a Seraphim Goddess who is WAY more patient than she gives herself credit for. I try my best to stay attentive to the little things, but I am not the greatest.
The online information on adult diagnosis in the US was particularly frustrating for me, primarily because I could not zero in on any information that was specific enough to be useful to my situation or the information directly contradicted other apparently reputably sourced info. I am so confused and overwhelmed. Add a very large and vogon-esque HMO vetting system to the mix and I am lost in the Mirkwood. My primary motivation in getting a diagnosis and support is to learn to embrace and feel at peace with myself and the people I want/love in my life.

Hoping all of you can help shed some light! = ) oopsy I rambled much.....


Thanks,
T.E.

I keep going off on tangents as I speak and as a write. Only recently I have realized why. It is a self taught coping mechanism I use to avoid mind blank.

Whoah, Mountain Goat! That is spot on. Thank you for sharing. I definitely ramble way more in situations where I am also heavily masking. Another interesting correlation. Thank you for this first gift of information.

Cheers,

T.E.

I am glad it helped.

It took me two years of trying to ask at my doctors if I was on the spectrum or not due to this (Mindblank) as whenever I try to talk straight to the point (Which one has to do when at the doctors) I was hitting mindblank and the only way out from this was to back up and talk about something else (I had other issues rehearsed which did need looking at but were not why I came in).
I was about to give up trying when I watched a Youtube video called "Ask An Autistic" which I had put off to the very last as I had been on a youtube search and had a thourough 3 days and exhausted everything about an issue I and my Mum has called "Prosopragnosia". I was annoyed I had not been able to ask if ai was on the spectrum... But when I exhausted every other avenue, I clicked on the video... I watched every Ask An Autistic video I could find.
I then became so determined to ask that I brought my Mum in (Who did not think I was on the spectrum but was willing to speak if I was not able to) and the yes or no wasn't answered and I am on a list to be assessed. When I found myself on the list I joined this site just ro ask a question about shutdowns (I did not know they were called shutdowns. I just knew something "Clicked" when someone talked about meltdowns).
I then found myself hooked and I am still here on this site! HAHA! And I am still waiting for an assessment.

I hope I get to hear about your assessment, Mountain Goat. Best of fortunes. So good to hear I am not alone in my frustration. Your replies made my whole weekend! I gather from your pic that you enjoy trains. Out near where I live there is a fascinating "living history" park in the Santa Cruz Mountain redwoods called Roaring Camp Railroad. What a great place! I am sure they have a site.

Railways? Nice! These days I tend to specialize in freelance narrow gauge railway modelling in 7mm scale (0-16.5) and I'm having fun!

Mountain Goat, do you also have issues with perpetual drafting? I don't know if it is a thing, but my work emails must be meticulously organized and contain information in a hyper-clear/intuitive categorical format before I am okay with sending them, if I ever send them. I hate shotgun replies with repeat questions and requests from different people and find them difficult to track in my mind or in notes. I have over 30 "essays" detailing process and policy improvements sitting in my draft box that I have been too frightened to send even though I really think the pain of improvement is outweighed by the long term benefit. I have to temper any direct criticisms of existing inconsistencies, processes, or practices (except in very select allied company) no matter how egregious I feel things are.

You are using words that are slightly outside my usual sphere. (I have a narrow vocabulary).
I do find I write lots and lots and lots and never post them. What is a shotgun reply?

I tend to think a lot in pictures when I think deep thoughts. I am a slow but deep thinker as well.

My apologies. It is one of my special interests. I am very into precise (not concise) language and get emotionally hung up on really minute word meaning differences (semantics). By 'shotgun replies', I mean you send one email out and you get a lot of follow-up questions from different people. I find it hard to keep track of all of them. It is kind of like difficulty in tracking multiple conversations simultaneously.

Thanks,

T.E.

No need to apologize.

I find I hate having many instructions at the same time. My form of multitasking is to do one thing at a time!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I was wondering if you ever took a Myers- Briggs Personality Test. They are free on the Internet. People tend to fall into 16 different categories. One of these personality types is an INTJ. INTJs describe themselves in the following manner:

Things like authority, rank, and seniority mean little to most INTJs. For better or for worse, if I think someone is wrong, I will say so, whether they be a colleague, a teacher, or the CEO of the company.

Something you said makes me think you might have that personality type.

I do not observe professional or scientific delineations, pecking orders, or sacred cows of "jurisdiction" and find them highly irrelevant, elitist, and stifling. I have landed myself in hot water (and possibly lost a job) for blindness to authority (jumping the chain) because it was the right thing to do, politics be forsaken.

Thanks jimmy m! That's quite interesting since I remember I scored as an INTP as a younger man. That sounds pretty similar upon looking at further descriptions. I think I may have been more forward -sounding here since I feel safer. IRL I am much more anxious, tentative, and (masked?} in the outspoken aspect of that personality. Oy. I'm feeling quite embarrassed for putting myself out there, regardless of the warm welcome. Will need to break from this a bit.

Thanks so much for the kind feedback.

T.E.

By definition, most Aspies tend to be INTP or INTJ.

Thanks, ezbzbfcg2! I had no idea. I shall dive deeper into WP.

- T.E.

Welcome! Keep in mind that while INTP or INTJ on the MB-test are the most common if you have AS, they're far from the only possibilities. I for one have an ENTJ profile, though professionals say that I'm likely a better fit for an NVLD profile than a ASD profile...

(Oh, and on 16personalities.com, I just read that ENTJ's are the most likely personality type to consider themselves highly educated. Given that I have a B.Sc. and am doing an M.Sc., what a coincidence!)

Before I forget, welcome to Wrong Planet? Maybe it's the Right Planet for you?