Asking for insight

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Good day,

I am the mother of 5 year old asd child. Though he is non verbal, he communicates with me by writing. For example, I ask him verbally what he wants to do today, and he will write park, or bouncy castle or whatever he wants. I ask him about his opinions about certain family plans, and he will answer me. I always try to ask him about the fun things that he likes to do, nice presents he wants from Santa, or fun places or yummy food because I want him to develop the social skills and always try to make his wants answered so that he understands that it isn’t a bad thing to let others know what he wants or needs. However, he gets frustrated after answering 3 or 4 questions. Is he expecting me to know him better and that is why he gets frustrated? Or does he prefer not to share his thoughts? Any point of view is highly appreciated

~~maybe?? not always ask questions
that is too much pressure
when i held it possible that dd had maybe autism, i announced beforehand what was going to happen,
that helps with all children () and also keep to what you say/have said

You might want to get him to expand his communication with alternatives such as asking him a yes or no question and telling him to bark like a dog for "yes" or meow like a kitten for "no". You can also use humming or other verbal sounds. If you make it like a game, you might be able to keep the anxiety at a lower level.

Part of human nature is a dislike for things that are taxing. One of the less pleasant chores of parenthood is teaching children that they are going to have to do things that they would prefer not to. Asperger children are like others in that they prefer not to do what they don't want to. It can be difficult to differentiate between when obstinacy is anxiety derived or preference derived.

It can help him developmentally to learn that he is expected to do certain daily chores. As he adjusts to the requirements of daily living, he may begin to develop a higher anxiety threshold.

That is inspiring! Thanks a lot. I should work on increasing his anxiety threshold, and to help him overcome his shyness. I am working on making him understand that his opinions matter and that he should have a part in decision. Being nonverbal, shouldn’t hinder him. I love the chores thing, I will try that. I

He may be just tired.
Autistic people often have to conciously process things NTs don't even notice - some noise, smell, light, variation from routine, sitting in the same position for too long, anything can hijack your attention. It's an effort to stay on track. It can be an effort to process the words you hear, understand their meaning and form a response.
He cooperates with you. That's great! I believe your intuition to teach him his opinions matter is great.
The task itself may be draining and he may just require some rest.

It must be said that I was not able to write until I was 6 years of age.

The fact that he is able to write now....is really a good sign.

I agree with the others about "increasing the anxiety threshold."

If you haven't thought of this, I would consider getting him an "alternative communication device," especially one which he can hold in his hands.

My youngest wasn’t able to properly write until a teenager. Until that time, there was O.T. at home and a laptop etc. It was only much later, that when the window of opportunity opened, whiteboards, daily writing exercises via cursive writing books, fun quotes writing exercise books, really helped him to move forward. He writes coherently now, but more importantly, he communicates! He composes and writes the most beautiful lyrics. Sings and plays guitar, piano etc and is happy.

Being able to communicate, is so important. But, always remember, there are alternate methods, that may change over time. That he feels safe and secure makes all the difference, and patience with development of what can be seen as key skills.

Yes, it sounds like he may get tired if he is asked too many questions in a row.

I wonder if you have considered a computer aided communication device, touchscreen type of thing
that has pictures and words as buttons for non very types to use to communicate.

I believe some of these touchscreens also help a non verbal to speak, as every time they
touch a button with a picture and a word next to it, the touchscreen is able to trigger a voice recording of the word.

For example. If the picture is of a beach with "beach" written next to it, if the beach picture is chosen, the touchscreen computer will say "beach".
In some cases, perhaps the non verbal person with ASD may be able to learn to copy the computer's words.

Although I am no OT or speech therapist, so do not fully understand the process, so please forgive me if I am making the process sound easier than it really is. I do not have experience teaching non verbal kids to speak. I hear that some non verbals do learn later on in life, and potentially can be as normal in this area as anyone.

The ultimate touch-based speech generating device for augmentative and alternative communication (AAC)

Last edited by madbutnotmad on 06 Jan 2021, 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

frustrated is a good word for it , but after several questions ,you prolly are suppose to know the answers already . And besides it is probably very hard to judge a 5 yr olds attention span . ( all the best) .

get a music singing teacher if you can afford, also an acting group perhaps, the not speaking things is BAD in my opinion, and he should learn to speak ASAP.

Non verbal is a known feature found in ASD. ASD is a spectrum disorder that encompasses as large range of varieties.
It takes a real specialist to understand the complex reasons as to why some of us are the way we are.

Please consider this, as this may not be an area that you fully understand. I know i do not, and I have read extensively on ASD and Asperger Syndrome.

It may take one of the worlds leading experts to fully explain such difficulties, so please consider being more understanding, as it must be extremely frustrating for both the non verbal person with ASD and their parent / friends when trying to communicate effectively.

Additionally, looking to the future, never underestimate what might be achieved. I was mute, but have achieved beyond even my wildest dreams. My sons and daughter likewise!

I love what you wrote, it gives me hope. My son is very bright , and his voice must be heard no matter what is the method he uses to communicate. I will explore aac, further.

Thanks a lot, I believe that my son will speak when he feels it is the right time for him. I am so proud of his accomplishments so far, and I won’t allow anyone to underestimate him and his intelligence, only because he prefers to communicate differently. I will explore aac further.

I'm giving my own opinion based on my experience and what I know, and not providing emotional support, but rather spending my time and then you criticize me for it.. that makes no sense, but whatever, some people are ungrateful if they don't hear what they wanted.

nobody fully understands ASD, not even the experts, point is you should force the kid to speak, or he/she will take the easy route and avoid speaking, being kind and nurturing is good, but tough love is a thing too and I believe having her family member take her by the face and force her to look at her AND speak helped take Temnple Grandin out of her autistic fog and otherwise she would have never learned this basic skill if she wasn't essentially confronted, cornered and forced to as there was no other choice. I cite Temple Grandin: “A lot of what helped me was just typical ’50s upbringing. Kids were taught social skills in a much more structured way. They worked, they had paper routes. That’s just the way it was.. “When I was a child, I was expected to have good table manners and to say please and thank you,” recalls Grandin, now a professor of animal science at Colorado State University. “When I made a mistake with table manners, mother did not say ‘No!’ She told me the correct behavior. For example, if I ate mashed potatoes with my fingers, she said, “No, use your fork.”... if you baby your AS child and take them to experts, you might essentially get an adult baby, as opposed a tough individual that can adapt and change due to adversity, while the brain is still young and pliable.

It could also help maybe if you set an amount of time (a short time) and told him that if he tries the new "challenge" for the time period, he will get to do something he enjoys as a reward. That is still how I sometimes motivate myself to do things like clean, make a phone call, etc, as an adult.

I am in the middle between the "1950s parenting" and "all the accommodations" camps...I think you can push too hard (hello, anxiety disorder!), but everyone needs to be coached/encouraged to take steps outside comfort zones and learn new skills.

It definitely helps to clearly communicate expectations ahead of time and model/demonstrate what you are looking for. And it helps me to know the "point" of things...like small talk helps build trust between people, and it makes some people uncomfortable to jump into personal or niche topics right away. Writing won't work if he ever needs to talk to a kid who doesn't read yet. Reasons are important.

Does he also use gestural communication? Pointing, nodding, thumbs up or down, etc? Those are good skills for situations when he doesn't have writing implements. Probably also easier to learn if he doesn't already do them. You could also teach him how to gesture to ask for a pen. Think about what would help most if he can't speak and you weren't there to explain for him.

I believe some people with ASD also use sign language as a nonverbal communication tool. I taught my kid some basic signs before he could talk, and he still uses them sometimes when he is too upset to speak.

Oh, and please don't make any of his absolute favorite things, comforting routines/activites/objects, etc dependent on his performance. Like if my parents had taken away my story books or told me I couldn't play with the dog if I didn't perform, I would have been devastated. Those things may sound minor, but they were my lifelines/dependable sources of calm. For a reward, I'm thinking something like getting to have an extra cookie. And base it on him attempting to engage with the task - not succeeding or even making progress.

Last idea - as far as the question/answer time, I also hate being "quizzed" by people about stuff I don't want to talk about. Maybe try asking him to tell you about 3 things he enjoyed that day or wants to learn about tomorrow or something like that. One or two questions that let HIM choose what to talk about. And teach him how to politely "bow out" of a conversation when he's getting tired.