Trying to recover mentally from Christmas with family

Post Reply New Topic

I haven't been on this forum for over a year, and what prompted me to come back is that I am struggling with something and feel that maybe this is probably one of the few places where people might understand what I am going through. I kind of hate that this is my reason for coming back, and I hope that I will be able to give back to the people here as much as I have received in the past or may receive in the future.

I spent the holidays with my family - mostly my mother, stepfather, sister, and brother-and-law. Basically, each of them was a member of the most popular group in high school and in college, and they have gone on to great social, career, and financial success since then. I hate to stereotype, but that is really a pretty good way to sum up their lives from my point of view. They all have very dominant and forceful personalities and they are very socially competitive. Again, they are actually three-dimensional human beings, so more than my stereotypical description, but this is how they appear to me.

Whenever I spend more than a day with them, they start picking on me. I feel that they are trying to bully me constantly. If I seem to be confident while talking about something I know a lot about (probably what they would consider intellectual or technical), they will metaphorically take my legs out from under me with some kind of subtle put-down or maybe not so subtle dismissive behavior. I read this clearly as a signal that, "we don't like you because you are not like us."

I guess this is fine. They and I have different values. But each time I am around them I start to feel that warm feeling of being accepted (for once), and then when they start to reject me or act outraged by my behavior and start putting me down, it really breaks my heart.

My step-father and bother-in-law, who both work in very high level (meaning high-dollar, corporate) sales, and who seem to have big egos and love to throw their weight around -- they are the ones who usually give me the hardest time, or at least start it. Then my mom and sister will join in. Each has said on a few occasions something about some person they disapproved of being "f***ing autistic" in a very disparaging way. I don't know if they said this around me on purpose as a subtle way to get inside my head or not (if so it worked). But in any case I trust them so little that I wouldn't put it past them.

They would probably just say I need to "toughen up". Maybe I do. I just really seem to have an emotional need to feel accepted by someone, even though I live very independently and have for many years. I am very emotionally isolated in my life. Generally I love being alone, because I feel a general sort of connection with people, but after coming home from visiting them I am struggling to get that feeling back. I just feel rejected and looked down upon, and honestly a little betrayed.

I guess I just need to get it through my head that I will not get what I want from them. Part of me says that I need to take a stand for myself. If they will always treat me this way, then I need to limit my contact with them further. (Actually I only see them about 7-10 days per year anyways! But I talk to my mother on the phone weekly.) Or maybe it would help if I go in mentally prepared, rehearsing mentally the kinds of things they will likely say to me and practicing putting them aside. I couldn't confront them about the issue directly, because they would probably just use this as something to make fun of me over. I trust them so little that I suspect they might even enjoy my bringing it up, because it would confirm to them that they have really gotten to me. I hope I am wrong in this suspicion, but that is what it seems like inside my head.

If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening. I feel a little better having just written this, since there is a chance that some people may understand me and so I will be a bit less alone in the world.

It hurts to read your post -- not because of what you said, but because your situation reminds my of my own, and why I live 2000 miles away from my siblings and other relatives.

Trust me on this: Their behavior is not your fault!  Their easy successes have made them insensitive to the struggles that you endure every day.  Were they never bullied as children?  Were they never rejected by their peers for being "weird"?  Did they never have to eat their lunches in the library because no one in the cafeteria wanted to sit near them?  Were they never turned down for dates with derisive laughter instead of a polite "No, thank you"?

They likely have no idea (or have forgotten) what it is like to grow up in a culture that has no appreciation for those of us who may be physically clumsy, socially awkward, and battered by the unmet need for a muted sensory environment.  It is also likely that they still see you as the same kid struggling with adolescence on your own without any support from anyone.

It sucks.

My only way of dealing with this is to stay away from my siblings and other relatives, except for attending the funerals of those most closely related to me.  We communicate -- barely -- and rarely in-person.  Otherwise, their toxic behavior is too similar to what you describe for your relatives for me to experience any joy from being with them.

Be strong.  Make your own way.

Thanks for your reply. It really helps me feel better to know that there are other people out there who can relate. I am thankful that this site exists, and for the people on it.

I think you are right that their lives haven't given them the background to understand my struggles. I imagine that the things I struggle with come so naturally to them that from their perspectives I must seem to be willfully choosing to be difficult. I do get the impression that they read this as immaturity on my part.

Hopefully I can prepare myself better for the next time I am around them so I won't feel so blindsided when it turns out the same way as always. Eventually I will probably move further away from them, to have an excuse to see them less. If I opted out of seeing them more often now they would probably take it personally and demand an explanation, which would lead to drama I don't want.

If I ever have the chance to start over in a new neighborhood, I think I will tell everyone that I am an orphan and an only child.  I know it is a lie; but I do not want to deal with questions like, "How come your relatives never visit?"

Sometimes, I think my life would have been better if my parents had abandoned me at birth.  Shhh...

I wish I were adopted by a family of nerdy people like myself.