Always wanted someone to see me

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This may be long. I apologize sincerely in advance. The entire purpose is to figure out if what I've always experienced is aspergers/autism and it's just been severely misdiagnosed as many, MANY different issues. If anyone minds reading this to offer some insight, I'd appreciate it, as finding a doctor to take me seriously about autism has been quite a struggle.

The main issue is trauma perhaps interfering or pressuring me to learn faster than others. I won't go into much detail to avoid triggering anyone, just make some vague mentions.


Anywho, I was the child who played politely by herself when very young. Wasn't much of a handful, really; lost in my own world, my mother would say. Then came the ages I could reflect back on myself, when I started to notice no one really wanted to interact with me. Other girls didn't like what I talked about, or found me weird, and I'd be thrown out of groups. So I gravitated toward the dejected and some of the friendlier guys.

If anyone, literally anyone (teachers included), messed with or I felt hurt my newfound friends, I'd literally lose it on them. My sense of protecting them was often overwhelming, confusing, and would later put my life at risk, but its still something I can't really shake.

Food issues constantly got me in trouble with my mother. I'd be forced to eat certain dinners for days on end, while gagging due to the texture or devising ways to hide the food to dispose of later. Never worked, and for days would be denied other food because I was being "dramatic" and "problematic" and " not grateful". Vomiting and crying would bring on lovely strings of verbal abuse if I did try to eat it, just so I could get up from the table.

Tags on shirts and girls jeans are a nightmare. I'd give a vital organ for the loose jeans with lots of pockets to come back in style lol. For now, its loose, soft, black fitness pants and t-shirts that fill my entire wardrobe. I often get teased, even as an adult, for not being 'girly' enough. I can't stand jewelry or make up either, many because the constant feel of it gets so overwhelming. Even light makeup feels like someone slapped a pound of putty on my face.

I constantly felt fake. I wasn't me. I never really realized I was mimicking others, but my journals (before my mom found them anyway) constantly had two recurring sentences in them...sentences I still feel. "I wish someone would just look at me and see ME, the one not pretending" and "I want to go home" (even when already at my house). I know, melodramatic, but the first spoke of the many personas I'd adopted just to fit in, or my 'masks'. The second one was just because I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere at all, like I was some alien abandoned on Earth and told to figure it out. I used to fantasize my 'real' family was watching from the woods and would snatch me back up if I just did SOMETHING right.

Around this time, my parents began drinking excessively and physically started fighting to the point cops were involved. Verbal abuse quickly turned physical, and I'd have to find the patterns so I could protect my siblings. I'd recognize the tones of voices, the words used, the postures, the escalating nature, right before the physical stuff started. This way, I'd be able to get my siblings outside to my neighbors house or, if caught too late, into the bathroom and lock the door. So I guess I can't entirely say I don't understand how to read people, because I had to learn quickly to survive and keep the ones I loved safe. Because of this ability, I sort of denied that I had real social issues, because I can read body language semi well. At least when it comes to anger, frustration, and rage.

My intense interests started out odd. I acted like a cat for a while, really felt like a cat. Put that aside after people made fun of me, but secretly enjoyed laying in the sun still lol. Then came the reading. My mother would routinely scream at me because she'd call my name ten times and I'd never hear her while reading. When that became a problem and she burned my books for not being social enough and my grades slipping, I turned to writing. My inner imagination begged to be written. I'd lose myself for 18 hours at a time. When that also got me into trouble, I began to draw. And when that was suddenly a huge talent my parents could parade around (I was pretty darn good with zero training), I would be thrust into social situations where my parents would boast about my skills....and eventually stopped drawing for a while due to the stress.

When all of my interests were taken, I'd have these meltdowns. My mother called my flat expression the "eat sh*t and d*e look". Then I'd go and run around the backyard as fast and as hard as I could, because acting out any other way brought on seriously bad consequences. I'd push myself past exhaustion, just to get the meltdown out of the way, until I was on the edge of passing out. Then I'd stop.

I pose my hands oddly and clench them when...I think the term is stimming? Anytime I feel overwhelmed, I'll pace or very subtly rock side to side (I don't want any attention) or I'll pull down my ring finger and place my thumb on it and push it into my palm while my other fingers clench oddly...just until it hurts. I'll also pinch at my neck until it burns, though that's usually when I don't feel well. I'll also rub my left ear raw or my forehead, and lick the back of my teeth if I can't do any of the other ones without drawing attention.

My wanting to connect deeply with others led to me joining the military. I rocked with the routine and actually felt good about myself. I enjoy challenges, and everything was a challenge. But wanting that 'sisterhood' led to me trusting a group of girls who seemed so kind and helpful, not reading the bad signs, that led to them leading me into a very, very bad situation. They left me in an unfamiliar place at the hands of a bigger man (won't go into details), who I had to see afterwards on the ship daily.

That led to, what I call, the break.

I now know it was just a horrible, massive panic attack that bordered on psychosis, but I sought help. Didn't tell anyone what happened, because I really wanted to just forget it. Military doctor said I was bipolar, because I didn't understand the very vague diagnostic questions. "Do you feel overly happy sometimes, then very sad other times?" To me, that was like...errrr...duh, doesn't everyone? Got loaded up with mood stabilizers and kicked out of the military (they retired me, but still).

But it didn't feel right, so I sought a different opinion. Another therapist mentioned DID, and I thought about all my masks and was like, that sort of fits. I don't even know who I am. It's like I'm someone else around different people, and it's exhausting. I was also losing time, but I didn't mention not being able to sleep due to severe nightmares.

Then, after admiting what happened to another psych that tried to say bipolar, they finally said PTSD. It fit for some things, obviously, but not everything. But at least no one was trying to shove mood stabilizers down my throat, and someone was finally listening.

But then I met a woman who claimed she was the top psychologist specializing in borderline personality disorder (and ptsd, like it was an afterthought) when the VA changed my therapist without warning. Because I mentioned running myself to the point of vomiting or passing out and had outbursts at times, she (very much with this smugness I swear I could feel), said it sounded like I had borderline....but not to worry, she will 'cure' me. I felt so uncomfortable and angry, but tried DBT. It was good info, but I did not engage much; the issues others were having in group therapy were not something I had. I ran from therapy and didn't look back.

Exhaustion is an understatement. I finally started looking at issues with sleep a few years later. Got a sleep study, thinking maybe I had narcolepsy or sleep apnea. Neither of those, though apparently my brain does randomly flop from deep sleep to very brief awakenings for no external reason. Still, no diagnosis there....but someone mentioned ADHD maybe being an issue for my constant, debilitating fatigue. Depression wasn't exactly ruled out, I just had other issues the sleep doctor noticed and pointed out as seemingly ADHD.

I made an appointment with a different therapist outside of the VA. At first, they didn't listen well; apparently all moms to a teen and a toddler are distracted, disconnected, zone out, have sensory issues, are always tired, etc etc. I was supposed to focus on time management skills... Covid happened, and I was given a new therapist, and I just...broke. No mask, no withholding certain info to not feel weird or be judged, no holding back what I thought about being/feeling stigmatized and not getting anyone to listen to me, etc. The guy was so darn moved and called the psych in, explained what happened, and I got diagnosed with ADHD right there. He said my shifting eyes when talking (I make 'eye contact', which is really me looking at the tip of their nose, while a person talks but when I talk I look anywhere but their face) and fidgeting hands gave it away. By the way, I was called a liar more than once because my eyes shift all over the damn place when I talk, which is apparently a sign of lying?

There is so, so much more. My current spouse saying I freeze and my face closes (he can't accurately describe it) during anything remotely overwhelming. That when I'm upset, it's like I feel nothing. I don't understand why adults cry, but I also cry at the drop of a hat at odd times and usually get upset at myself myself it happens. I understand metaphors better than I understand other things, and talking in metaphors/similes makes more sense to me, because I think in pictures instead of words and some of those picture don't make sense when trying to put them into words. And so, so much more.


Again, I am so sorry for the length... I just need to get this out and hope someone can relate. My sky is purple while everyone else says it's blue. And I just want to find others who see purple, or rainbow, or orange, or....anything similar, and sit with them. If that makes any sense.

I am diagnosed with autism and do not have much difficulty reading body language, facial expression or tone of voice (as far as I can tell). I also don't struggle with metaphors. You need to have some difficulties in social communication to be diagnosed with autism, but which exact difficulties can vary widely between different autistic people. Therefore that you don't have these two symptoms doesn't rule out that you may have autism.

A lot of the symptoms you list seem quite typical for autism and it's fairly common for autistic people, especially autistic women, to get many wrong diagnoses before they get the correct one. However, no one on here will be able to tell you for sure if you have it or not.

If you are autistic you probably got many of your diagnoses because the psychologist may have misinterpreted your autism symptom or due to miscommunication. However, being autistic doesn't preclude having additional psychological conditions and there are some fairly common comorbidities. Therefore autism wouldn't guarantee that all of your diagnoses are wrong.