Fake personality and lying

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This is a topic I am deeply ashamed to talk about but I would really appreciate to know other people's opinion.
During my school years, I created a fake personality which is more appealing than my real personality in order not to be judged. I read that this is very usual especially for aspie girls, but I am starting to have serious doubts about if this behavior is morally justifiable. The biggest part of faking your personality is just mimicking the behavior of other girls and pretending to be one of them, which is not problematic per se. But to be more trustworthy, I usually have to add some lies when I talk about my life. For example, in some phases of life I didn't have any friends, I had some obscure tastes in music and movies and had completely different interests than the other girls. If anyone found out about that, I would be excluded or even mobbed without a doubt. So it has become a part of my "second personality" to lie massively about my personal life and interests. I have never used a lie to harm someone, but I still feel that lying is inherently wrong. But being honest about my life would make people even more hostile towards me than they already are and I am quite sure it would cause me many difficulties. How do you deal with this problem? Is there any way to be honest and still be accepted by people?

Dig deep enough into anyone's personality and you will likely find a lot of deception, diversion, and outright lies.

How I deal with this is to be factual and honest, and to have no concern regarding what other people think of me.

I don't fancy your chances.

Most NTs easily lie by default.
All you are doing is being more NT than aspie, though I have discovered a lot on the spectrum fall short of 'The Autistic Ideal'.

I suggest you keep blending in and accept life for what it is, far from perfect.
Save your honesty for people who count in your life.

Curiously enough, in the last year I had someone lie to me to appear more like me. Totally baffled. I was told they had few friends growing up, which I've since learned to be nonsense. Why would someone lie about something like that? I assumed it was to lend credibility to the rest of the personality they presented to me, as they underestimated the level of connectedness I once had, but it may be as simple as you describe.

I think most of us have had continued negative consequences for being who we are and can understand why you chose to make the choice you did.

Continually faking it often has negative mental health consequences. There is the constant fear of slipping which causes anxiety which actually increases the chance of slipping. I have found that I forget who I really am. I lost sight of what part of me was role playing and faking them and what part of me was faking myself. Do you relate to any of the above?

I tend to do a similar thing but in a different way. I tend to act thick with an inbuilt sense of humour. This allows me to connect. If I don't do this I don't talk much when around a group of people who are my age or younger then I am. The problem is I can only keep this up for so long before I am discovered or the masking starts to break down. When this happens I quickly need to kove on so this means quitting a job or leaving a group that I am in.

First off, in what general kind of place do you live? City, suburb, or rural?

If you are fortunate enough to live in a city, or within a major metropolitan area, then you can choose which groups of people you will associate with; you don't have to "blend in" to any one particular group.

So, instead of hiding your unusual tastes and interests, you can look for people who share those unusual tastes and interests. You may find fewer friends that way, but they will be closer and more genuine friends.

Masking can be dangerous depending on how much you do it.

If it's not safe to do it at school then be yourself at home.

It's not hurting anyone other than yourself. I don't think it's immoral at all.

Sometimes esp at school it can be a safer thing to do, lesser of two evils as far as the self harm aspect is concerned. But I hope when you get older you don't have to do it.

Heck when I was at school I made up an entire family to make up for the absence of certain family members in my life! And made up having a boyfriend in London (akin to a 'girlfriend in Canada') lie in order to get boys to leave me alone & not look like a loser/'frigid'.

What I'm assuming is secondary or the American equivalent middle/high school can be very difficult place to be. Everyone is concerned with the social side of things because they're just finding themselves & NTs tend to do that in groups - even the 'alternate' kids.

This is like hearing someone describe my own thoughts back to me. This is a common dilemma for "high-functioning" autistics. One thing that took me a long time to understand was that everyone does this... but only aspies feel bad about it.

As for whether it's morally defensible... I don't think it's fair to judge people, including yourself, for what they have to do to survive, especially when they're not hurting anyone.

In regards to solutions, understand that it's unnecessary and unrealistic to be 100% honest with 100% of people, 100% of the time. There's nothing wrong with presenting a certain persona when dealing with, say, elders, teachers, and bosses. And not all of your peers need to be close friends. I do recommend having at least a few people in your life that you can be honest with. Obviously that's easier said than done, but it's a place to start.

Hope this helps.

I do something similar but, in my view, it's not so much a differing personality as a functional(well, often functional) role that I play depending on the environment and the situation I'm in. I didn't see this as "masking" until I discovered this forum and other autism-related resources online. The way I see it, I'm trying to survive in a vast social world that can turn on me and put me in very undesirable, untoward financial and social circumstances if I don't. It's an NT's world and I know non-conformity to the norms expected of me as an office worker, student, gamer and etc can get me fired, ousted or kicked out. It's horrific and, in my view, forced upon me and others like me, but it's what's necessary to survive.

Your shame, however, I think is unwarranted. It's not terrible to play the game of conformity if you need to keep your job, for example. It's a double-edged sword, however, as being someone else can be exhausting. If I could throw away these masks I have to wear to keep a paycheque and lead a stable life, I would. But, again, it's a majority NT world out there and, in one circumstance where I did decide to throw up a number of these masks, I suffered some dire consequences(though it was absolutely freeing and wonderful for the blissful few moments in-between).

If anything, you're learning a valuable skill. It's not always going to be pleasant for sure but if you're keeping perspective, paying your bills and keeping *the most valuable* relationships in your life intact, you should be fine.

What you are doing is very smart and necessary. Dropping the mask can lead discrimination and ostracizing and jeopardize career and networking and social opportunities.

When I was a kid I developed an issue lying to help myself mask. I lied about my interests, personal life, anything you could think of that didn't directly harm other people. Partly out of shame regarding my personality and other aspects of my life, sometimes partly to avoid getting in trouble with people.

I lied less and less as I got older, but still told people complete bull over things that don't even matter. When I met my last partner and other friend I told myself that I wouldn't lie about anything, and if I felt the need to lie I'd just shut my mouth. Over the past few years of doing so I don't really feel the need to lie anymore. Nothing I've said on here or any other online platform in years has been a lie, which I'm happy about.

I have noticed a definite change in how people react to me, and I had to get used to being made fun of more for stupid things, but I deal with it relatively okay now. It takes awhile to find your "niche" of people that you actually get along with, but it happens eventually, even if it's a much smaller group of people than you're used to.

It's also good to keep in mind the fact that not everyone is going to like you, which is normal, and that it's better for both you and them to just be honest to people and deal with not having them in your life if you're not compatible. You don't need or deserve people in your life that you have to lie to, and people don't need or deserve to be lied to.

A lot of people (maybe most of them) seem to put on a "persona" for dealing with the outside world. Often several different personas: a "work" person, a "familly" persona, an "out drinking" persona.... they only relax and be just themselves with a handful of people.

The only difference between that and what you do is that you've had to keep the perona in place non-stop for years, and you created a fictionalised history to back it up. I don't think anyone can blame you for that- you did what you had to do. School is brutal for autistic people. I left school with a lot of defensive habits that I had to unlearn before I could make actual friends.

Now you're out of there, maybe it's time to transition to something less extreme. Get rid of some of the bigger lies, and move the persona slightly closer to your real self. From that position, you'll have a better chance of finding people who'd get on well with the real you.

Avoid interacting with people you feel the need to lie to.

Give them the bare minimum amount of information that's necessary for you to live your life (like if you have to work with them), and don't tell them anything else.

I went to college early. I developed the habit of not telling people my age (even though it was obvious I was younger than most). This was mostly lying by omition. Sometimes I would tell people "what they wanted to hear" and I never thought of this a lying so much as translating - but some people discovered that my actual history wasn't what they initially thought it was - even though in many cases I just let them believe what they wanted to believe and didn't correct their misassumptions. The problem with lying is that even if I convinced everyone, I didn't convince myself or God. I can start to feel like a fake and not even know who the "real me" if I lie. But being "blunt" about things I know will offend people is also a problem to. There is an old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I can apply that to myself - just using the definition of "nice" that I think makes sense for the people I am talking to. Rather than clobbering people over the head with my "real me" stuff I can just refrain from talking. And work on listening. Someone once said "there is a difference between leveling with someone and leveling someone". It is kind of like choosing a movie to watch with a friend - the real goal is to look hard for a movie both people will like and try to be considerate and empathetic - if the person you are with is very much like you that can be easier, but if they are not that can be hard. That is why listening is so important.

Quoting this because I think it's worth repeating.