Catastrophic thinking

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Trigger warning below for weight issues, mental and Psychological abuse and toxic family dynamics and catastrophic thinking.
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I have been struggling with literally everything my whole life from weight to relationships to jobs. Basically no matter how hard I try to achieve something and how much more effort I put in the result is often as if I didn’t even do anything. I often do stuff in extremes and often my extremes are not even good enough.

My family body shame it’s me constantly they’ve done it my whole life and they also have disability shamed me as well. When I lived with them their toxicity was so bad that I attempted to get back at them for their toxicity by recording all of them mistreatment and putting it online to expose how evil and toxic my family is.

no one really believed me when I told them so I felt that the only way I was going to get any results was recording them secretly.

They always made fun of my weight and called me a pig an animal and they would constantly tell me that I was never going to succeed in life because I’m lazy and then I don’t do anything even though I was so desperate to try to prevent mice controlling and ablest family from putting me into a group home or secure facility with no freedoms as they intend to do that I let they always made fun of my weight and called me a pig an animal and they were constantly tell me that I was never going to succeed in life because I’m lazy and that I don’t do anything even though I was so desperate to try to prevent mice controlling abelist family from putting me into a group home or secure facility with no freedoms as they intended to do that.

And to prevent that outcome they had forced me to become basically a slave and I was forced to do everyone’s chores from mopping sweeping and vacuuming every part of the house including the basement first and second floors and the bathrooms as well, and washing the dishes after breakfast every single day while they were at work and my sisters were at school.

When everyone got back I helped set up the table and I also helped clean up the table and I had to wash all of the dishes and on top of all of that I had to go to bed earlier than everyone else even earlier than my younger sisters and when I asked my stepfather why he would blow up at me and say because I’m useless and I don’t deserve any leisure time and when I basically called him a hypocrite without calling him one by telling him all the work that I did he would blow up at me for proving him wrong and would even frequently threaten me with violence.

to stop his constant attacks on me about how it was lazy and never did anything around the house and that I was lying when I told him that I was doing all these chores that he asked me to do I decided that in the morning I would show him the wet vac being full of clean water and then when he would come home I would show him the vacuum full of dirt and grime before I dumped it out in front of him into the drain in the basement. After I showed him that I wasn’t lying to him he not only refused to apologize but he got even angrier and more belligerent that I had the nerve to go to such extremes to prove him wrong and to talk back to him and stand up to him as he was the king of this house and he could talk to me however he wanted. Disgusting I still hate that fascist to this day and be still treats me worse than anyone in the whole disgusting family. I hate my whole family.

And to basically punish them for body shaming me I went on a weeklong to guilt trip them for how badly they’ve been treating me over the months and years.

Sorry they not only treated me worse during the hunger strike but they told me that I belong in a mental hospital not living independently and then I asked him what was the music for all those months for and they basically confessed to me that they were tired of hearing cleaning ladies well I was a discussion at school in Boston and that with me being home, they had a free source of labor.

And they told me that with my predictionary accusations And catastrophic predictions were predicted that they would put me in the most controlling environment possible I gave them the perfect idea and that they were going to do exactly what I feared to both get back at me for being so negative and always talking back to them but also because they liked having that control over me.

I even went on a weeklong hunger strike to get back at them for body shaming me to get them to stop and they not only did not stop by body shaming me, but they did it even more to me.

When we had a meeting with the agency that I currently live with my family lied about everything they lied about how my disability was a really severe how I had really bad self help skills how I need constant prompting and supervision to do the most basic chores and they never mention how I was left alone for hours a day as a family servant and how I did all of the chores they made up everything out of their ass just to make my most worst predictions come true.

When my worst-case prediction came true I realize that it wasn’t as bad as I expected at the staff were not confiscating things away from me and were actually really nice to me and I brought this to my family about it and then they realize they left a loose end and they forced the staff to basically not give me any freedoms and they confiscated all of the video games I had under the guise of because I’m autistic I’m going to get addicted which was exactly what I was accusing them of from the beginning which was that they were discriminating against me and treating me like a second or even third class citizen.

I also predicted that my mom was not gonna let me go to another state school which came through which is why I’m going to Stony Brook now and I even predicted that she wouldn’t let me go to an upstate school with the claim that it’s gonna be too far and I need to go to that school in order to become a broadcast meteorologist and that’s addiction has so far can truly she only force me to go to Stony Brook and I fear that just like how every other negative prediction of mine has come true, I fear that when I graduate Stonybrook because the program maybe in adequate I will not be able to get hired as a broadcast meteorologist because of my autism due to discrimination.

Also I’ve never been in a relationship before and I’m still trying to get a new one, but whenever I mentioned this with my family all they tell me is no one would wanna date someone as ret*d disgusting and fat as you.

When I was at my local community college a few years back in 2016 A girl who had an autistic brother in my class asked me out on a date after I told her that I was autistic myself after I asked her why she was rushing this major and she told me that she wanted to be a psychologist for scheduled special needs and I asked her why and she told me it’s because her brother was autistic. And when I asked her what her brother was like and she told me that he was annoying which basically told me that she felt that he was annoying because he’s autistic and I asked her if that’s what she meant and she told me that now she thought that her brother was annoying because siblings are supposed to be annoying but I kind of took that that she felt that her brother was annoying because he was autistic and therefore I saw in my eyes that she doesn’t like autistic people.

Anyway a couple weeks later after she obviously found out that I’m autistic she asked me out on a date but up to Ben I always assume that no one would want to date me because I’m autistic as I was constantly reject it up to that point and I was absolutely sure that she was playing with my emotions as I felt she was ableist and had ulterior motives As I felt that she really didn’t want to be in a relationship with me as I was autistic and I felt that she didn’t like autistic people and was probably emotionally manipulating me.

Since my catastrophic predictions almost always had come true after that point I told the staff in my apartment that a girl had asked me out on a date and I excepted it and I explain to one of the staff members who wants to be a psychologist and he told me that I was over analyzing things and that she clearly liked me and I told him that he was mistaken and that the girl was emotionally messing with me.

I even told him what class it was and he told me that a girl who wants to work with people with special needs wouldn’t do that to someone special needs and I reminded him that I was psychic LOL.

I told him and the other staff over the course of the week exactly what I felt was going to happen which was basically she was going to cancel the date on me a few minutes before the date is scheduled to happen. I told him and the other staff over the course of the week exactly what I felt was going to happen which was basically she was going to cancel the date on me a few minutes before the date is scheduled to happen.

And my staff reminded me not to call the girl or annoy her too much as I may In advertently cause her to not want to go out with me and for her to cancel the date.

So I didn’t call or text her for the rest of the week and I only responded to her texts which were request to find a certain movie time.

After we had decided which movie we were going to see we sat on an agreed-upon time we were going to meet each other, which was 15 minutes before the movie started.

On the day of the date I texted her once and asked her if the date was still on as I expected her to cancel on me last minute and plus she did kind of hit on me that she was going to do that and she told me that she may have to stay extra at work when we had class.

I basically read this as I’m telling you that we’re going to go on a date but I’m also letting you know that I’m gonna cancel on you last minute.

So expecting the worst I waited until only 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet up before I even thought about leaving the house my staff was shouting at me to go that I was going to be late and I said just wait you’re about to hear the call where she cancels on me and lo and behold literally five minutes after I said that she calls me and says that she has to cancel because she has work.

She told me she’ll make it up next week and then that weekend it up being another ghost and then the following week the same thing in the end I asked her why she kept on doing this and basically the gig is up and she told me the truth that she had feelings for her ex boyfriend who constantly cheated on her the one that she was sad when she was telling me the story until I told her she have more feelings for your ex boyfriend and me I’m like why why do you still have feelings for him after everything he did to you and she told me that even though he hurt her so many times she told me she still has hope that he can change.

I was hurt that she decided to ghost me as I told her we could still be friends can we at least go out as friends and she said that would be too awkward and she also told me that had she not had feelings for her ex boyfriend she likely wouldn’t have dated me anyway as I was autistic And it would be too awkward with two autistic people in her life and that I kind of told me the truth that I expected her to go to sleep even before and apparently she told me that she knew all along that I didn’t believe her and she got the hint when I was texting her several times that morning asking her if we’re still going on a date and she told me that she got the hint that I didn’t trust her and it was that lack of trust that I demonstrated why she had lost feelings for me and why she canceled the date.

My staff was right. Well I didn’t text her many times I still questioned her integrity all because I felt like I had to fulfill my catastrophic predictions and prove people wrong and since then over five years later I’m still single and I have never been in a relationship. That is literally the closest I’ve ever been to relationship.

The second closest I’ve ever been to relationship was with at my job a bunch of coworkers who knew I had feelings for this one girl told me to confess my feelings to her and ask her out on a date and that she also had feelings for me and basically they told me to ask her out. I told them that No one would want to date someone like that I wasn’t gonna waste my time embarrassing myself what even getting myself in trouble for their entertainment.

I told him that I was going to ask her out but only to prove them wrong about how I’m always right but I’m negative. So when I was on break I went up to the girl and ask her if she wanted to one day in the future go out and get something to drink as friends and she told me no and I asked her why I’m not even asking you on a date I’m just asking you as a friend can we do something together and she told me know that she doesn’t really want to be friends with me and I told her do you know the coworkers told me that you had feelings for me there such a f******* liars I told her.

And then I asked her if she didn’t wanna date me because I was negative and she told me yes clearly she was lying to me and was just refusing to date me because I was autistic as I was never negative around her.

Deep down inside I was even thinking that they were conspiring to get me fired and then have my coworker accuse me of sexual harassment and I even told my coworkers that by asking her out I can get in trouble and even the second manager and come out ask him to ask her out and I asked him if I could record them telling me to ask her out and they said that’s fine.

After the brutal rejection that I received I’ve been told that she didn’t even wanna go out with me as a friend I went back to the office and told the coworkers and the second in command manager that they set me up for failure and that she not only refused to go out with me on a date but she doesn’t even want to be friends with me and they told me that it was because I took too long and she found out about all the negative stuff I was saying. Apparently someone told her that she actually really did have feelings for me I still thought they were just trying to make me
Trying to continue to make fun of my suffering through schadenfreude.

Do you think that they were trying to toy with my emotions and that I was right do not believe a word they were saying or do you think they were telling me the truth and that she really had feelings for me until The coworker I had a crush on found out of my catastrophic thinking?

Beyond your natural tendency to think of worst case scenarios in any situation (I do the exact same thing constantly), it sounds to me like your childhood played a big part in amplifying that today.

One thing that's helped me a lot in those situations, like the old saying goes: "hope for the best but be prepared for the worst." While I can't push the worst-case-scenario thinking out of my head, I can keep a cool front by reminding myself the situation can't go any worse than I think it's gonna go, so just let it play out and maybe things go better than expected.

Another rule I live by, much due to being in similar sh***y situations at past jobs, is don't date at work. Period. I live my life by a lot of tried and true sayings, that one falls under "don't sh*t where you eat." Co-workers love to stir the pot in those situations and it's not even a good situation for most NT folks.

I wouldn't take relationship advice from co-workers in general either. I dont know that they were necessarily toying with your emotions, she could very well have had some sort of attraction to you, but I don't believe they had your best interests in mind either, rather they just saw a new pot to stir.