Aspergers son shuts down and won't speak to us

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Hello, new here and looking for advice from other parents in similar situations. Our son is 16 and diagnosed a couple of years ago with high functioning autism with aspergers profile. He is extremely intelligent academically but struggles with social and emotional issues. He has just left school and says he has friends but nobody he really wants to stay in touch with. He rarely goes out with friends and spends most of his free time on his xbox where he sometimes goes online with friends but not very often. We know he's bored most of the time and feels lonely although he won't say that himself if we try to speak to him about it. He is sort of relying on us to come up with things to do to occupy him but is also very restricted on what he will do. He will go dog walking with us and will come shopping etc but only if he can sit in the front in the car and play his music through the Bluetooth system. The problem we have is that he expects us to be of the mindset of his peers and gets frustrated when we say we can't do something because we are too old etc. Latest example being, that we went dog walking today and he found a tyre swing over the stream which he went on and then decided to be able to get off it he needed a particular log to be moved closer for him to step on. My husband tried explaining that he couldn't reach the log without getting his feet submerged and told him to step on the rock in front of him instead. My son got very argumentative and said his dad was lazy and just never wants to do anything and that he's selfish etc before storming off and heading home on his own. We followed and when we got back he went to his room and refused to speak to us even though my husband apologised if he'd upset him etc. This has gone on all day and he's refusing food and anything else offered to him. I've tried speaking to him but he just repeats "leave me alone" to everything I say. This happens regularly over something trivial and we just don't know how to get through to him or why it triggers this reaction so easily?
Any advice would be much appreciated

A difficult one. Has there been an underlying thing worrying him?

16 is a difficult age as one is suddenly classed an adult and the familiarity of being a child has changed or is changing fast (Though we still remain children right into our 40's )

Just to ask, is there a big change ahead which he is concerned about which could be on his mind?

Life is designed to draw us out of the selfishness of childhood. One method is the demands of parenthood. Another are the demands of the workplace. Your son is too young to understand that the path into further isolation and consumerism is ultimately destructive.

You might encourage him to get a part time job. If he is unwilling to listen to your advice and sees you only as obstacles to his desires, he may need instruction that only a dose of reality can provide.

It is not unusual for Asperger kids to be somewhat delayed in maturity. Child-like selfishness is not that attractive in a child much less in a teenager. As a parent one wants to protect his children. However, if he is going to be able to function in life, he needs to learn skills. If he is hostile to your instruction, it may be time for him to have instruction that experience provides. It can be difficult and even painful. However, if we are unwilling to learn from the experiences of others, we will have to learn through our own.

It sounds like you are facing traits of my ASD son when he was a teenager combined with traits of my high anxiety and ADHD daughter as a teenager. You absolutely have my sympathy.

It might be a little as if the ASD is locking onto an idea (how to reach the rope swing) and is unable to accept any alternate path, while anxiety and/or teenage hormones/development create a "leave me alone" response.

My suggestion, and I don't know if it will work, is to set out parameters with him during his calm times when you can talk to him effectively. Make clear what things you CAN do for him (make sure he is safe, provide company, provide food, provide housing, etc), and what things you will NOT be able to do for him (perform physical activities at request, make sure he is getting the food he is currently in the mood for, complete his schoolwork, etc). Brainstorming and writing lists together with him as part of the conversation may help give him some sense of ownership on the guidelines. Doing the process in a way he will feel like a participant, and not just a recipient, is important. Then, as issues arise, you have something to point to and lean on. Both my kids have found that rules and protocols are effective at creating a path through emotional and tricky situations; you've removed all the complicating emotional factors from the conversation. That doesn't mean that in the heat of the moment he might not still fall into old habits and pull out the tried and true trigger accusations, but he'll be able to look back and realize you stuck to protocol and that you aren't at fault.

After that, I sincerely believe you have to let him work through his emotions in his own time and his own way. You can let him know you are always there if he wants to talk. You can let him know that you will arrange professional help if he is willing. But in the moments he is falling apart, you have to step back and let him figure it out for himself. Do find subtle ways to assure yourself he is staying SAFE, do be sure to keep an open eye and ear without doing anything that will make him sense an intrusion, but do NOT push yourself on him and do not feel the need to offer apologies. If you are following protocol, you have nothing to apologize for (one of the many ways a protocol can be handy). He will come to you when he is ready.

I think sitting back with a teenager in distress is the one of the most challenging things a parent is asked to do. I can sense in your post the need to figure out what the problem is and how to help. With my son, by his high school years, I was good enough at reading him to mostly prevent issues before they even started - good enough that I can't even remember having to negotiate with him while he was upset in those years. With my daughter, however, I was helpless. I remember desperately grasping at things to try and generally making it worse. Once the mark has been missed and you couldn't prevent the meltdown or breakdown, you can't get in and solve it. I learned that lesson loud and clear with my daughter. The best thing I ever did for her was learn to stay out of her issues and give her safe space. That is what she needed from me: a safe landing spot, no demands, while she went through whatever it was she was going through.

I survived those years. My kids survived those years. Life got better.

Good luck.