13 year old aspie son isolates

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Our 13 year old son has been a remote student since last March and prefers it to being at school. When he was in the 6th grade he had a lot of problems with peer relations at school. He has not kept in touch with the few friends he made and says he doesn't care about having friends.He will be returning to school in person next year and I am fearing that the problems will start all over again especially without having any friends to turn to. I have found an online social group that meets once a week for an hour to help kids with social navigations. He doesn't want to participate in it and feels insulted that we think he can't make friends on his own. Seeing as he has been away from his peers for so long and doesn't have any social connections we thought it might be good practice for him. It's not cheap-$250 a month for 4 hours. We're willing to pay if he is willing to put in the effort but he's refusing to do it. I am trying to figure out ways for him to make some social connections. I have come up with a bunch of options for summer programs, camps, and classes and he doesn't want to do any of that either. He just wants to be left alone and I don't think that's healthy for him to this degree. He just wants to play Minecraft and watch YouTube videos all day. I know that part of having Aspergers is limited and restricted interests but this is extreme and he is avoiding working on some necessary life skills he's going to need to get by in life. I don't want to get into a power struggle with him by forcing him to do things he doesn't want to. How do I get him to take an interest in activities and people on his own???

13 is a tricky age in general being somewhat isolated by choice may not be as bad as you fear. I think you are on the right track to find something in which he is interested and see what you can discover to help draw him out.

If he has a favorite video game, there might be a summer camp for fans of that game to attend.
You might offer him a flight in a private plane (a "discovery flight) is often less expensive.
You might see if he would be interested in Ham radio.
If he has an interest in music, you might purchase an instrument and have him take lessons.
He might try taking Karate lessons.
The YMCA or a church group might have a summer camping or canoe trip he would enjoy.
If he doesn't know how to swim, swimming lessons might be enjoyable.
He might try horseback riding.

Good luck

You really cannot. It’s through naturally occurring sports, arts/music/gaming activities in school that your son will, if ever, meaningfully interact with his peers. Many a 13 year old on the spectrum needs to navigate of their own free will. I don‘t believe that a parent setting up “get togethers” is ideally the way to go about increasing social opportunity.

Firstly, it’s very important to acknowledge that it’s innate that many of us simply do not need the types of social contact deemed essential to most neurotypical people. I’ve no doubt at all, that your intentions are very good, and this can be so hard for parents to observe, but the vast majority of autistic young adults will go through rollercoasters of emotions over failed “socialisation”. Often, we prefer to be “alone” as being with others, is stress inducing. We firstly, have to choose to have it and want that interaction. We’re dealing with so much at 13, I remember it well. Mutual interests is key. I found running, gymnastics, swimming, handball, music, art, movies the best forms of interaction. Your son’s interest in the opposite sex will be taking up alot of his time at 13/14yrs.

I would be inclined to say a hobby maybe an idea where a club is involved? Cycling or a model railway club maybe?

The problem with online is that it is a relatively fake world.

Isolation is not always as bad as the counseling community makes it sound


JD Salinger, Sylvia Plath, and Emily Dickinson hermits. And they successful

There is good isolation and bad isolation. People on the spectrum experience a feeling of "overwhelm" from social or sensory stimulation and need to pull back and recharge. Being different also comes with rejection - sometimes being alone is better than rejection and/or abuse. At 13 kids can be cruel while they try to establish who they are and process the change from being a kid of 10 to an adult (young adult) of 20. It's a jungle out there. Isolation can also be a sign of trying to get real needs met the wrong way - and this can lead to more isolation and less of real needs getting met. I call this being "a part of" and being "apart from". We all need to find balance between these two - but the point of balance is different for each of us.

As a parent I sometimes project how I would feel if I were him. What I sometimes forget to consider the difference between "how would I feel if I were him being him" vs. "how would i feel if I were me being him". If I imagine myself in his situation I may miss some of the ways that he is unique and different from me. If I have good vision and my son is color blind he and I may be in the same situation but see things differently. If I can hear and my son is deaf he and I may be in the same situation and experience things differently. If I am neurologically typical and my son is on the autistic spectrum he and I may be in the same situation but experience the situation differently. Even if I am not NT my internal neurology can still be different from my son. No two people on the autistic spectrum are exactly alike. That is where the multicolored jigsaw puzzle image came from.

It is a slow process for me as a parent to try to be able to (as best I can) look at things from the point of view of my son. In a way this is the basic challenge of being human - no two of us are alike. And yet - we develop languages that we can share, we play games, we communicate with art and music, with verbal and non-verbal language. As humans we are eternally separated from other humans but still is some ways strangely connected.

My oldest is 20 and my youngest is 11. I am in the process of trying to help them grow up, and leave the nest, but the way I have to do this with a 11 year old is different than with a 20 year old. I am learning as I go. With the 20 year old I am trying to separate and let him be him. With a 11 year old I am more involved in "parenting" kind of parenting.

I am a work in progress.