I feel terrible

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I'm in an online relationship with a girl, and she's perfect. She loves me, I love her, and there shouldn't be any problems. Except, I've seen pictures of her, and she's overweight, and I just don't find it attractive. When I first saw it, I tried to force it out of my head, because I really don't want to do something stupid here. But my mind just keeps going back, and I can't help but wonder what happens when it becomes a really serious, regular relationship and I'm stuck with someone that I'm not really attracted to. I just feel awful about all of this, because I don't want to care about this, I don't have a problem with overweight people, and, worst of all, I don't care about my weight in the slightest(there were 5 commas in that sentence). I feel like a total f*****g hypocrite. It's not a huge issue right now, but I just want to stop caring or to find some alternative solution. You have to understand that, although this is probably my fault, this isn't my choice. I really don't want to care about this. Please help.

You can't help what you are attracted to.
Though, you MIGHT just find that it doesn't
matter as much in person, as it is bothering
you right now. You have to make this decision,
and most of all, don't damage her feelings by
giving this as your reason. I'm not saying to
lie, just refuse to answer.

My husband & I talked it over, & we both feel that you should end this thing. My husband feels that if you were not using a computer & simply went on the laws of physical attractrion, you never would have gotten this far anyway. He feels that, "Hey, you got some experience out of this - you got to feel this way about someone at least - so just end it." I feel that things will not work out simply because you think she's ugly. That's not bad to feel that way!! ! Perhaps you could mention that she should lose weight. If she's AS, she might appreciate the honesty. You obviously love her & if she wants to keep you around, she will take your suggestion into consideration. BE PREPARED: she might/will fly off the handle when you mention she's fat!! ! Give her time to think about it & don't panic.
***You seem like a very good man so don't be afraid that this is your last chance at love.

I used to feel that if I wasn't attracted to someone by personality alone, I was totally shallow....but physical chemistry is a HUGE part of it, which I'm just now realizing. The only person I've ever loved was a body type I wouldn't have thought I'd be attracted to, but ever since he went away I'm now attracted to that body type. You know when you see someone and you're instantly attracted to them, but you have no idea why? Where you meet other people who are PERFECT for you on paper and who you like hanging out with, but there's no spark? I know it sounds terrible, but a large part of love is pheramones, and that used to terrify me that love can be summed down to that. But now it's comforting, that it's something so deep that it affects your body. I loved my first boyfriend from day one without even knowing why, and I loved him more strongly than anyone I'd ever TRIED to love because they were "perfect" for me. I don't know if you're into that sort of thing, and I'm usually not, but I think that our bodies can recognize the souls we love in each other, and it's hard to fight that.

Is there anything about her appearance you like? People can lose weight... and on the opposite side of things they can pack on the pounds too.

There's usually a beauty that transcends some extra pounds... to me at least. If they are morbidly obese, okay then that's hard to look at. But just extra weight... that's something that can change and/or not that big of a deal.

However, this assumes that there is some physical attraction... if there is none whatsoever then evaluate what you want... and do it quickly and don't string her along, that's cruel.

Of course this advice comes from an overweight man... so my ideas are definitely biased.

Last edited by Pugly on 23 Jul 2007, 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't break up with her. I've been with her before, and we broke up, and it just killed us both. I couldn't possibly do it, especially not over this. I just don't want this to bother me anymore. It's so f*****g stupid; I don't care about my appearance, what reasonable right do I have to ask her to care about hers, what kind of person does that make me? I like her hair, and her eyes, but I just don't find the weight attractive, and it just repulses me, and I just have to wonder. I feel like f*****g s**t for even thinking this way. She knows she's overweight, and it doesn't concern her because it isn't a health issue. She was honest with me about it, but I thought then that I could force those nagging, moronic concerns out of my head, and they aren't leaving yet. I feel like I'm going to be sick; it frustrates me just thinking about it, and if I broke up with her over something like this, it would just leave me in shambles.

Something constructive you can do: If she's not one of the unfortunate many who are overweight regardless of how much exercise they get or how little they eat short of starvation, you can simply start inviting her to go for bike rides, walks, runs, rowing, or whatever with you on a regular basis. 3-4 days a week of strenuous exercise will sleek her out, even if it doesn't get rid of the fat completely; if you guys are really that compatible, she'll even enjoy getting to spend that time with you.

do NOT do this!! !! !! !

If she's fatter than the ideal, society tells her that every day already. She doesn't need you telling her as well.

Newsflash: you aren't ever going to have a girlfriend that nothing bothers you about. Not EVER.

Even if you meet someone else and fall so head over heels about her that she seems absolutely perfect, eventually that will wear off and there will be SOMETHING about her that bugs you.

Also: there will always be something about you that bothers her.

Nobody is perfect, and when you have a relationship, the other person gets to find out your imperfections sooner or later. They're not always as obvious as a few extra pounds -- and they're not always as innocuous, either. If the only thing wrong with your girlfriend is that she's a bit fat, you're lucky.



Then don't. Just grit your teeth and put up with it, the same way everyone else has to put up with whatever it is they don't like about their lover.

I'm trying to. I don't want this to bother me; this shouldn't be the thing about her that troubles me. My problem is that it is bothering me, and gritting my teeth isn't working, and neither is trying to get rid of it, so I'm looking for a way to make it stop so I can stop feeling like s**t about this.

Please don't beat yourself up over not feeling physically attracted to this girl. It's not your fault. If we could turn on and off such things just through an act of the will, life would be easier. But that just isn't the case.

In my experience, it simply doesn't work to try to date someone to whom you are not physically attracted, hoping the feelings will come later. They won't.

It might not even have anything to do with her weight, as such. Some girls really do look nice even when they're overweight, and some look awful with an extra 5 pounds. She just doesn't look good to you right now, and that's okay.

My point, dear subatai, is that you probably won't be able to make it stop bothering you -- but that that's all right.

Instead of trying to make it stop bothering you, and feeling awful about yourself because it bothers you, try to accept the fact that it bothers you, and then you can feel good about yourself because you're able to live with it.

Never mind about "should". Should is an illusion.

You have to deal with things the way they are.

The facts are this: Her weight bothers you. Nevertheless, you don't want to break up with her.

Therefore, you just need to keep going out with her DESPITE the fact her weight bothers you.

Let it bother you. Don't hate yourself for it.

The more attention you pay to the issue, the worse the problem will seem. Just accept it.

Here's your mantra: "Oh well."

Your arguments appear to be the most viable, but I am still left with the fact that I am generally so anti-shallow. I have made a point of trying to keep the part of me that desires the thin, beautiful woman as far away as possible from the part of me that judges the true quality of a person. Seeing as I look normal but am about as far from it as can be, I've always been against basing things on looks, and yet this bothers me so.

Oh well.

What most people do not like about others is what they see in themselves. Why don't you tell her you are going to put yourself on a diet and let her join you on her own. You would then have the one you love, a longer life with the one you love, and a better sex life with the one you love... do you see a common thread here? With the one you love!! !! Do it for you and do it for her, she deserves that in a man.
Damocles

THIS is my fear with any friendships
over such a limited medium. If I can't
smell another person, I can't really tell
if they are right.

Not that I'm always wise about such decisions,
even when I know.