Reason to not kill myself?

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I've been watching some YouTube videos, listening to people who have attempted suicide talking about their reasons not to; what they would go tell themselves if they could go back to that moment.

"I have to think of my family": even if my family were not a bunch of abusive a**holes that I f***ing despise, they live so far away that we never can see each other. I couldn't legally go there even if I wanted to. I could die, and they still wouldn't know about it for years.

"I have children and a spouse to take care of. I have people who depend on me. I have responsibilities": Not me. I've never been married. I don't have any children. I'm not anyone's caregiver. Nobody is depending on me and I have no responsibilities toward any other person. I don't even have a pet.

"Things will get better": Bullsh*t! This what I was told in 2009. 12 years have gone by, and nothing ever got any better. I've been alive for 40 years, and the only things I've experienced in all that time have been rejection, abuse, and loneliness. Nothing has ever gotten any better for me.

"This pain will go away. Nothing lasts forever": I actually agree. All my pain and suffering will not last forever. It will all end when I die.

I can definitely relate to these feelings you're sharing here. I have often felt them too. Having an abusive, crappy family, yeah, that sucks. It adds one more layer to the not fitting into this world thing. It also doesn't help us feel supported or connected either. It can feel like one more tally for the cons of even being here.
I can't tell you things will get better, because as you have already seen, sometimes they don't, sometimes they get worse.
I do think people like us have something unique and special to offer the world and we all do that in our own way. That, my friend, is why we need you here. I don't know what your special talent is, or what you bring to the table, but I suggest you start exploring it, and once you find it, you can decide what kind of meaning that brings into your life.

It makes me angry to hear how much you hurt right now. Makes me think of all the ways people like us have to pretzel ourselves to fit into this world, and it comes at a great cost to our well being. I hope you know you're not alone in your feelings and I hope you don't give up. You are needed here and I hope you choose to stay.

And PS stop watching the youtube videos!!

finding better ways to distract yourself , obviously your situation is not good for you . but sometimes if you can get out of your mindset if only for a few minutes please consider that perhaps some work is possibly needed mentally on your part . About using those few moments to make a effort to become your own best friend . Just as a starting point . Treat yourself that same way. Its probably not a quick fix
but it could be a start.

Reasons not to :

Because you deserve to be here

Life is a Gift and the probability of being first to the egg is one in a million .. almost a Miracle

Instead of going through with it , you can live your best go .. and really disguard any inhibition - in a positive way

Watching YouTube videos about suicide ain’t gonna help.

I don’t know you….but I’m 99.9999% sure you are a worthy person.

Do people who saw you as an easy target for a potential
extramarital affair know for a fact that you could ruin your career?

Different question -
Is help available - yes, there is:

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

wikipedia.org - List of suicide crisis lines

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255

Tennessee State-wide Crisis Phone Line - 855-CRISIS-1 (855-274-7471)

Walk-In Crisis Centers:

Mental Health Cooperative
275 Cumberland Bend, Suite 237
Nashville, TN 37228
615-726-0125

Vanderbilt 24/7 Behavioral Health Access
1601 23rd Ave. S.
Nashville, TN 37212
615-327-7000

Adopt one or more pets that nobody wants and care for them before they are euthanized for no good reason. This world is not just for people. What about the other living things? They need love too. They give it back unconditionally. Rescue yourself by rescuing homeless critters. Go to a shelter and look into their eyes - they cry for rescue. They need you. We are all connected --- beast, man, bird, fish, etc... Give them a second chance. Give yourself a chance to feel unconditional love. Accept that love. Be a hero. Save a life and never take a life. Remember, this world is not just for people.
"May all that have life be delivered from suffering." (Buddhist quote)

Even a hamster?

PS - I have no idea if it relates to you but whenever I'm feeling like killing myself, I find out it's exhaustion and neglected needs.

Small pets a good idea, such as a hamster as suggested by mags. Small birds can be quite good company, but mammals are cuddlier! Just keep the cage clean at all times.

There must be something only you can do, that no one else can do, that you may have never tried - expressing yourself through creative writing, painting or making something such as a mini-garden in a container.

Exercise / sport (jogging or cycling) can go a long way to produce a feeling of wellbeing.

Many here on WP are happy to be your online friends. Let's stick together.