How do parents of children with autism get bullied?

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Many people still cling to the outdated idea that autism has to do with bad parenting. Science says otherwise, but some people take a while longer to catch up with the facts.

Do parents of "different" children suffer discrimination too? Snide remarks, the "look" or something much more subtle? I would love to read your insights on this

I am AS but my brother is Severely Autistic and people stare at my parents like they are the worst in the world. They make snide dim-witted remarks and are just discriminatory. I think it has to do with the fact that I live in Hickville South Carolina too.

I confess,I have been guilty of giving the "look",prior to learning about AS and sensory overloads....I just assumed kids running around screaming in stores or throwing tantrums were all just poor parenting.I dont know if it my own sensory issues but the high pitched screaming from children makes me want to literally throttle them...it is very painful.I dont know if I didnt do that as a kid because it hurt my own ears or because my parents would have slapped or spanked me for doing so.

I am much more tolerant since learning about AS.....but it still hurts my head,so I avoid places where children are congrigating.(I didnt even like it when I was a kid and other kids were being noisy).I have just as bad a reaction when I have seen a parent calling children "stuipid",yanking on their arms or yelling at them and have spoken to them about being so rude to their kids.Parents must hate me.I'll stick with cats.

I've felt like some of the parents (you know the ones..head of the PTA, classroom assistant volunteers) have looked at me in subtle ways.... you know, when they converse with you during drop off time at school in the mornings, but, when I leave the conversation, I most always feel like they are saying something under their breath about me.

Also, they NEVER live up to what they say they'll do (the parents). You know, like I'm never invited to the park for playdates, etc, with my children ... and, I think it's because they think we're too different from them and we don't fall into their "I'm the perfect parent club".

This is an interesting topic.

My son is relatively mild on the spectrum, and still, I feel that we as parents are somewhat ostracized. It goes from people (generally at my son's school or in our neighborhood) who are sympathetic but pity us, all the way to people who downright avoid us or avoid my son. It's kind of a horrible thing, but I'm glad that my son is out of elementary school, because every day that I picked him up at school, I just felt so uncomfortable -- not because of him, he's great -- but because of the other parents and how much I felt like an outsider. I felt this way mostly because my son is not athletic (and athletics is ALL IMPORTANT in Pittsburgh), and because my son is so innocent, whereas the other kids are starting to be jaded and obnoxious.

Funny thing is, we don't feel this way AT ALL at church. He's just one of the boys there, and we are totally accepted.

As ostracized as I feel, I know it's NOTHING compared to what parents deal with when their children are full-on autistic. I've seen documentaries on their situation, and I have a friend with an older boy who's autistic, and they NEVER have a social life outside of other families living with autism. It's got to be the most exhausting, disheartening thing to constantly have people looking at you like you've done something wrong when your child is doing unusual things, and in reality, you have absolutely no control over the situation.

Kris

Exactly... I feel like an outsider amongst all the other parents on the Elementary school yard. The parents make me feel that way. I usually feel like they are being kind and conversational with me, but I still feel inside like the minute I turn away, they start whispering to themselves about me and our son. (He'll be in 1st grade this year).

In Indiana it was overt. My son (then totally nonverbal and a toddler) was not only big for his age, but big compared to the other Midwestern corncobs, so he looked a lot older. If he'd cry/meltdown/tantrum in public, people would openly glare at me and loudly discuss it. "If I did that, I'd get my mouth slapped!" "Don't give him sugar! I'm a doctor!" (when he wasn't eating at all)

In California it was a lot more subtle but almost more visceral. People were quiet and "cool". So if Pop acted out people would completely turn around and quietly stare or jump as if startled. No matter where we were, people acted as if we were in a library. We'd get the silent treatment from parents at school. Like we were the janitors in the way.

This past year in AZ, too much turmoil to know. They're a lot more polite. School staff are a lot more bullish though. "You want what? We don't do that here! I know your kid needs it but we just don't do it" "We haven't had any autistic kids before" "Can you teach your son about respect?!" "Your son said a word in class that's obviously allowed at home but not in school!"

ohoh, you got me started.

My mom used to get alot of the " can't you teach your child some manners?" or respect. Of course before as a kid I didnt really think it was a bad thing to think out loud. occasionally she still get that response from people. I can't blame her for somewhat hating me and saying I ruined her life. nobody knew id be like this after age 4. I'm pretty sure it runs in my fathers family because every one of his siblings are very cold and distant including him even though they're verbal they don't hug or show affection. it's a dysfunctional family. I'm not sorry for being me or my mom getting weird looks from people. so, if anybody thinks bad parenting is what caused my problem they can ask me themselves.

I haven't tried to get any help or theripy or counsilling
I never wanted to be a burden on my parents
I could tell they were mad enough I was trying to be myself and whatnot
I wish I had taken all that stuff when I was younger
Firstl I don't care what people say to them-I don't act odd in public-just never say much

many people just don't understand what it's like to be a parent, let alone the parent of a kid with different needs....i had to get to the point where i could be ok knowing that others would look at me like i was a bad parent~ and then educate them that they were wrong.

I had a lot of difficulty with parents in the early school preparation group when my son who at the time was diagnosed with being on the spectrum later clarified to Asperger's. Although for me it was the problems involved with being autistic myself. I wouldn't say they bullied so much as were exasperated with the differences of values and interests, but i did get a great many irritated looks, and a lot of comments about how I should just learn to act normal and my son would start to, or they seemed condescendingly pitying of me and my family.

I apologize if this thread may have come off as insensitive, it really wasn't my intent. I know that parents of children with autism, developmental disorders and everything else that isn't NT suffer too, from what I've witnessed and read here.

Please let me rephrase my question: In what ways do parents of "different" children suffer discrimination? Snide remarks, the "look" or something much more subtle? I would love to read your insights on this

I've edited the topic so that it's more fitting.

Well how do we get bullied....

It has taken some neighbours of my ex some time to understand that ADHD and authism spectral stuff is actually nothing connected to bad parenting or so. I simply put up a sign on my apartment door warning for wild kids when I have my kids living here, and I've never recieved a complaint, that several of my neighbours has recieved because of barking dogs. Not for me though. We akways keep in means of "sound level" within sane hours, and I have only 8-17 o'clock working neighbours so it's quite okay. I work everytime EXCEPT 8-17 being a server slave for several companies and my own employee. Normaly I just work two days straight on and have a 40 hour week covered, then I can spend time with my kids.

But we never realy cared of what other said about our kids, we just noticed that they had their individual personalities and nothing more than that. But the alternative approach we have to our kids individualities, has stuck in the eyes of people not familiar with my kids sometimes.

Handling a AS child with ADHD and a [suspected] Authistic child with severe ADHD and a ADD girlie with seasonal depressions and a father with AS and ADD isn't something easy :=)

My relation to my ex is better than ever, I'm finaly starting to learn to live on my own, even though I care more for others than myself. But it's easier with the people that know we have a lot of things to handle. Yesterday I had a day with my ex, fixing her car again, and I moved some of my stuff from her garage to my apt. The neighbours closely has no problem with our kids, but neighbours further away has raised questions about if I live there or not because I'm there so often. I'm also her business partner, make all contacts with authorities, and so on. And I don't care the least what other people think.

My youngest with AS is according to my parents a clone of me. And a pain in the a*s. So was I when I grew up and learned the hard way of understanding social skills. And it probably stick in some peoples eyes that I have time to spend with my kids as I do. Who cares? I survive. I'm having a nice apartment, my kids love the apartment I live in, and they get trained in being "street smart". Which is a struggle too.

But my ex has noticed a lot of positive things because I never hesitate to bring the kids with me on work, training up social behaviour and so on. I has even been adopted as second dad by a couple of my kids friends. It took me a lifetime, as usual, just to learn to remember to shave myself

I'm in risk of being writing more....

I remember "the look". Having recieved it mostly with my son between the ages of say, 2 1/2 and 8.
For the most part now he is very well behaved.

Having a son that was "different" was very isolating, parents treated him like he was plauged, it was very hurtful. I would love to go back in time now I know about AS and give them a piece of my mind...

I've always been the one who got the children left with them, but no parents ever stayed around. I have quit being that person, because my husband pointed out i was being used....i just liked having the extra kids to try and help my dd with her social skills, and keep my son with playmates, since his sister didnt play like he wanted her to.

We recently moved into the city, with me optimistic and hopeful that we would find friends. But, despite my best efforts, my only visitor after one or two drop by's in the beginning, was the boy next door. Who my son cant stand. And none of us really know what to do about that. But, my husband pointed out to me recently, when i was going to buy my neighbor yet another gift, that i need to stop, because i had been very ill, and no one had even called.

I am so naive and would like to have interactions with someone other than the family i'm with 24/7 (i've been a stay at home mom for about 14 years), so i just dont see that people arent interested in friendship. The same boy that wants me to force my son to play with him, did not want to take me up on the offer that my autistic daughter would probably like to play. I have to say, that pretty much did it for me. I cannot tolerate that without saying anything.....fortunately, he's been gone since then, and i havent had the chance.

I find the teachers worse. Every FREAKING year, they look at me like i somehow havent done enough, like i am just too permissive with my kids. I homeschooled for two years, and last year was my dd's first year back in public school. You'd have thought i took every opportunity she ever had away from her, by the way they acted when we first met.

They soon saw that homeschooling had really helped her in areas that werent academic, but it took the end of the year before they admitted that I did good. My daughter took the 6th grade CRCT and came within 50 points of passsing every subject. She should have been in fifth grade, but i had forced them to put her in sixth, her age grade....she repeated kindergarten, just for the social. This was a huge deal, apparantly. Her teacher actually called me in to show me the papers, and tell me that this was proof that i had done a good job. I was insulted they ever thought any thing else.

The teachers also use the word love alot. I love your child.....but when asked to do something in the summer with us, the reply was.....
"you want me to spend my free time doing something with ya'll?"

not really love, is it. that will change what things are like this year quite a bit, since i havent had the opportunity to respond. I LOVE my child. no one pays me, but the dividends of having her are so great, i enjoy being with her. She is such a wonderful person, and the rest of the world looses a good friend when they ignore her offers of friendship. The things i learn from her are so much more valuable than the things i learn from her teachers.

sorry to ramble,
tyger

I've always been the one who got the children left with them, but no parents ever stayed around. I have quit being that person, because my husband pointed out i was being used....i just liked having the extra kids to try and help my dd with her social skills, and keep my son with playmates, since his sister didnt play like he wanted her to.

We recently moved into the city, with me optimistic and hopeful that we would find friends. But, despite my best efforts, my only visitor after one or two drop by's in the beginning, was the boy next door. Who my son cant stand. And none of us really know what to do about that. But, my husband pointed out to me recently, when i was going to buy my neighbor yet another gift, that i need to stop, because i had been very ill, and no one had even called.

I am so naive and would like to have interactions with someone other than the family i'm with 24/7 (i've been a stay at home mom for about 14 years), so i just dont see that people arent interested in friendship. The same boy that wants me to force my son to play with him, did not want to take me up on the offer that my autistic daughter would probably like to play. I have to say, that pretty much did it for me. I cannot tolerate that without saying anything.....fortunately, he's been gone since then, and i havent had the chance.

I find the teachers worse. Every FREAKING year, they look at me like i somehow havent done enough, like i am just too permissive with my kids. I homeschooled for two years, and last year was my dd's first year back in public school. You'd have thought i took every opportunity she ever had away from her, by the way they acted when we first met.

They soon saw that homeschooling had really helped her in areas that werent academic, but it took the end of the year before they admitted that I did good. My daughter took the 6th grade CRCT and came within 50 points of passsing every subject. She should have been in fifth grade, but i had forced them to put her in sixth, her age grade....she repeated kindergarten, just for the social. This was a huge deal, apparantly. Her teacher actually called me in to show me the papers, and tell me that this was proof that i had done a good job. I was insulted they ever thought any thing else.

The teachers also use the word love alot. I love your child.....but when asked to do something in the summer with us, the reply was.....
"you want me to spend my free time doing something with ya'll?"

not really love, is it. that will change what things are like this year quite a bit, since i havent had the opportunity to respond. I LOVE my child. no one pays me, but the dividends of having her are so great, i enjoy being with her. She is such a wonderful person, and the rest of the world looses a good friend when they ignore her offers of friendship. The things i learn from her are so much more valuable than the things i learn from her teachers.

sorry to ramble,
tyger