This Really Gets Me Down

Post Reply New Topic

My social issues... I have made a friend who I get on very well with. He is an older male. First friend I have had in a long time. He is an intellectual, logical type, but also quite of a huggy sort also.

With most people, I seem to have an aversion to touch...but with a few, I find myself actually longing for a hug or just to hold hands or have some form of physical comfort.
The problem is, I give off the signal of not wanting anyone near... I dont mean to, but I am just so awkward and unsure and wary of contact... it is hellish. I asked my friend and he said the impression I give is that I would jump back if anyone tried to hug me.

It is depressing me as not only that, but I simply do not know how to initiate anything and I dont see how I can ever have a relationship because none of it comes naturally.
I cannot even bear to touch other peoples' skin in general.
Yet I really, really want to be able to have some sort of physical contact with some people.

I don't know how I can change this as it seems so innate.
Inside, I am often longing for a hug and some warmth, yet outside, I cannot show it or hug anyone or even let them know I want a hug as it sounds so stupid and artificial to ask for something so basic.

How the hell do other people simple *know* when to hug another person or when to touch etc?

Get him alone and in private.
Take your knickers off and ask him to smell them.

Try the simple, direct apporach of just asking for what you need.
"Can I have a hug?" or "I need a hug."

Hugs are good, everyone needs a hug now and again and f you suddenly feel the urge to hug a guy you like then just go for it!!

Ed Almos

I all starts with touching.
I’ve notice that touching has a hierarchy all its own and varies somewhat between sexes. We all know the most private body area we can touch on another person but are unclear where the most likely public area is and how to initiate a “touching dialogue.”
I find that the most public area, and the area of initial contact between sexes, is the top of the forearm (midway between the wrist and elbow). Touching this area sends a common and unconscious signal that the individual doing the touching is a friend, is comfortable with the person etc. and most importantly is giving permission to that person to touch you back (i.e. you wish to open or include touching in the dialogue). The meanings implied by this activity are of course situational, touching in the office is far different than friendship touching. I’m stick to friendship touching on the forearm by a girl.

A fabulous amount of information can be communicate when touching is combined with basic body language. I’ll just list a few and you’ll get the idea.
-A light tap with your fingertips or with the back of your hand is only a way to get a distracted person’s attention and nothing more. This is common practice among deaf sign language speakers as well as “hearies.”.
-Placing your open hand, palm down is much more familiar or intimate and is the action in the following (remember you are the toucher):
-Placing your open hand, palm down on a friend who is speaking means “Please pause so I can add/say something important or urgent.”
-A slight downward pressure signals “calm down/restrain yourself” when combined with a slight patting motion it signals “I want to comfort you.”
-A limp palm down with a facial expression of bewilderment/despair and round shouldered posture, downward eye cast etc signals “I need comforting or help.”
-A firm squeeze signals intensity and urgency. If you countenance portrays stress, then you’re intensely stressed. If you’re doing your cute stuff (e.g. you have shoulders back and the gurls shoved out) it means you’re feeling frisky and want to play, especially if you slightly pull the guy‘s arm in your direction (if you‘re feeling really bold you can pull the guy‘s hand to the area you want touched!! !). If you’re gritting your teeth you’re angry.
-Slight downward pressure while moving your thumb in a slow circular motion signals a desire to advance the touching to cuddling or hugging. Bumping shoulders reinforces this and adds a playful tone to the message.

I’m certain these are enough examples to get you started, and you probably already know them (but the AS guys lurking here don’t, so maybe they’ll learn something!).

Your next problem is getting the person to hug you. When these signals are used with a girl the response time is usually pretty good. But when a girl uses these on a guy (especially an HFA/shy guy) he may figure them out….2 days later! So what to do? Try this:

After you’ve done all the required touching rituals and at least placed the correct subconscious messages go verbal. Most guys are a complete and total PUTZ at getting close to a girl. Furthermore most HFA guys are even worse. They crave intimacy, think about it constantly (between obsessing about their computers) but just don’t have a clue about reducing it to practice. To make matters worse they can’t even talk about. In my case verbal references to emotional things knocks me out of my comfort zone (the girls want to talk about that!! !…they probably want eye contact too!!) and the slightest mention of the “R” word sends me into intense pacing and stiming.

So how do you “Go Verbal”? Try this:
Speak in “non-person” or “objectified speech.” Here are some examples:
Lets say you’re next to a Putz who hasn’t gotten your physical signals, or probably just hasn’t figured them out and wants to leave so he can obsess about them. You want to hold hands, hug, cuddle or whatever so you say things like this (without direct eye contact):

“Some girl wants some guy to old her hand.”
If Putz doesn’t get it then up the descriptors:
“Some sweet girl with brown eyes likes some nice looking guy in a plaid shirt and wants him to hold her hand.”

You can go anywhere with this and convey a lot of information in a safe and innocent way. It is especially non-threatening and non-critical to a putz. Don’t be surprised if he starts replying in this fashion very quickly.

Now here’s your punch line:

“Some sweet girl who doesn’t usually like to be touched desperately wants a hug from some guy.”

A lifetime of loneliness, missed opportunities and regret taught me.
In addition to being HFA I’m severely hearing impaired and learned what social skills I have by watching people.
I hope my insights help someone else.

A light touch on the shoulder can get you a hug. It's mostly eye contact, and a gesture with both arms slightly out, to say 'c'mere'. TM has gotten me in the habit of just saying it. Which is quite useful.

Just asking works for me. Im sure he has now realised your body language and desire for hugs dont match so he will adapt his approach to suit.

Learnig some of the body language tips above might help but its up to you. if your happy and hes happy with the more direct approach then go with that. At least it saves miscommunication.

Yes it is very hard asking for a hug the first time with someone. Im male so its apparently unusual for men to like lots of hugs so i find it especially awkward as people seem to think im odd, but once they get over the fact and realise i mean no harm its ok so i get lots of hugs off my friend and aquaintances now.

Kate, tell me something positive about yourself.

I'm hopeless at this too.

For me there is like a huge barrier between me and people. Actually its less like a barrier and more like a huge vacuum or crevass. When I occasionally get passed this with people then I am OK with hugs and I'm actually very tactile.

It is just getting through this obstacle that most times just seem an impossible task.

I call it a vacuum because that is what it is; it's a vacuum which most people fill with their instinct and knowledge and skills and what is right to do and when it is right to do it.

I don't have these skills so I have nothing to guide me through the obstacle.

I hate talking about these subjects because it always makes me miserable and reminds me of what I need and can't have.

And please don't send any virtual hugs ~ they are not hugs.

I tend to stretch my arms out and straight and if that doesn't get someone to hug me, I go "hug!"

It doesn't happen very often, but I was in a very huggy mood last night due to being drunk and depressed, so yeah thinking about it that's what I do.