Dating a Man w/Children

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Would you date a man or woman with two children?

I dated a man with three children.

Does he have custody?

I don't think I'd date someone with kids.

No i would not.

Nope! you are opening yourself to helping him carrying his burdens.

I would date someone with kids if its casual or short-term. But long-term probably not.

I don't want to raise a kid. And I want a relationship where we can both have lots of free time and privacy, and give each other lots of undivided attention.

Plus, I feel like the kid deserves a father figure, and if I were just there as a stand-in, I'd feel like I'd be doing a disservice.

Too many stories of step parents sacrificing for their step-kids who more often than not hate them but take their money/time/resources. But in addition the sole parent may be involved in ongoing legal proceedings over child maintenance and custody, It's messy and not worth it. In a worst case scenario the sole parent might be actually looking for a partner for financial reasons.

He did. He had custody of them, though. I was kind of like a stepmother.

When we broke up he wanted me to pay child support for them.

It turns out the only reason he took custody from his ex, was so that she would need to pay him money.

Of course not all single parents are like that though.

It had nothing to do with who made more money. He blackmailed her into giving him custody.

Women pay support almost as often as men.

He was definitely a jerk though. A manipulative crazy person on drugs.

My opinion overall of dating someone with children --

It's hard to do. It's hard enough having a relationship with someone and developing those interpersonal / emotional skills. Being on the spectrum makes it even more challenging to be in a relationship, although of course it's not impossible and many people manage to build strong partnerships with a lot of time and patience.

Adding a partner's kids to the mix can be tricky. That means you will need to form a relationship with each child separately, with the children when they're together (it's different than separately), with your partner, and even with their ex if that ex is still in the picture. Don't forget the ex's family. It stands to reason your partner will always put their children first, and the children will be their first priority. If you have your own children it makes even more relationships which you'll need to juggle (your kids plus their kids, individually and as a group). It's a lot of juggling and a lot of sacrifice. Your kids might get jealous of your time with the partner, or with the other kids, and it's very expensive too (family meals, family vacations, special needs).

I know you don't have your own kids, but it's something to think about. There are lots of blended families and successful stepparent situations. I applaud those. I'm just saying that it's a lot of work, with a lot of variables that will change almost day to day as the children get older, and the partner goes through different stages of cooperation / fighting with their ex.

Provided I'm not dumped with the burden of looking after them and they're not constantly interfering with a relationship then yes.

I've discovered however that it's actually difficult for them not to be an issue. The most recent single mother I dated was constantly highly strung, needed me to transport her kids often and they got in the way almost every time I met her. It took 10 meet ups just to finally have some time alone. She also wouldn't stop talking about her kids and they dominated her conversation.

I’m 51, it’s not easy finding men without children.

I think it's a 'know thyself' question to some extent.

Can you handle being second priority to the children he had with another a women. Because if he's a good father, I'm afraid you will be. And if you're not second priority, what does that say about him. Are you okay with that?

I guess if you're 51 and you're looking for someone contemporary with your age then chances are his kids will be older too and it may not be such a big issue. But a lot is going to depend on the man and his children - your happiness in that relationship is going to be dependent on the behaviour and temperament of a lot of people who are just hypotheticals at the moment.