Relationships with men folk for those attracted to men

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Sorry, that was the best title I could come up with.

I get on ok with men, but in a bantering, shooting the breeze, talking about mutual interests kind of way.

I always thought being more male brained and being into stereotypical blokey topics like cars and music and architecture would make it easier to date men, however, I think men want someone more feminine and complimentary to me.

As my male friends settled down and got into serious relationships they stopped hanging out with me and for quite a few years now I've had friendships with just women. All my activities are women only now, except for work and online and I feel like I don't connect with men any more and can't imagine living with a man now or developing a romantic relationship.

I know I've said some slightly misandrist things on this forum when I've been upset, but I don't really feel that way. I get on with men fine and I don't want this to be a man bashing thread.

So my question to you is do you see yourself able to have a relationship with a man in your future or have you settled into you own company happily enough to not need to bother any more? And how do you think autism has played a part in your perspective?

Thank you for opening this thread here, I did already write something in the "My Problem With Relationships And Age" thread and copy parts of my answer there to here, these parts marked with quotation marks:

"I think being on the autisic spectrum brings a lot of thoughts and behaviors that don't fit any common patterns.
And even if there is attraction at first glance, more and more unexpected "things" happen that are confusing to other people."

Especially when it comes to dating, I apparently do not act and react as men know it from other women.
On some parts I appear unusually open, reflected and even flexible, on others complex or complicated.
And even if I feel attracted to a men or even feel in love for me that does not mean I can start a long term partnershiop, for it is all very confusing for me.
I also cannot meet a man just to have sex, this is worse than drinking alkohol for me ( what I do not do at all anymore) it might be an "ok. feeling" while drinking, but latest on the next morning it feels like poison in my system.

Even if I get along well with a man it so far never did do me any good to become physical on long term, only for some time.

"In itself, I would probably be a good candidate for voluntary celibacy - since I'm not asexual and still prefer to keep my energies inside than gaining some nice feelings with someone -
without really feeling connected to the person.
I remain open that life can still teach me something, but I'm pretty tired about partnership."

I would say both..... I do still dig men and would be happy to have a compatible man in my life, but I also have had to figure out how to be happy on my own. I think the latter is necessary for everyone honestly.

Autism is such a part of me, and how I process and deal with my surroundings that it is hard for me to say how much it affects me or how I would deal if I was normal.

I have comorbidities of depression and anxiety and I think bringing those down to a controllable level has played an important role in my ability to be functional and happy with myself.

I can't view autism as a thing to be controlled, changed, or cured though. It simply is, just like my race, culture, and family.

For me this is also an important issue, I found ways to get and keep ( and get again) myself so far balanced that I can stay calmer inside.
When connecting with another person in partnership this brings many other aspects one has to care for,
I did never meet a man I could develop or find balance with together I guess.

In grade school I mostly kept to myself, in middle school I had some female friends, but by high school and college I had mostly male friends. In my 40s I had female friends again. The wives of my male friends don't seem to like me although I try to give them (the wives) equal attention.

In order to live my life "big" (going places, doing a lot), I need support. Soooo, I partner fits that bill. My partner does those things I cannot easily do (he grocery shops, implements my plans, leads me through crowded places) and I do the things he cannot easily do (I research and solve problems, make fantastic plans, make and save money).

By ASD BFF started dating in her mid 30s and abandoned it. She lived happily alone for quite some time. She did not feel "the need" for a partner. However, in her 40s she found a companion. They mostly do their own things and leave each other alone, but will share a meal or travel together on occasion. She is not committed to him, but nor does she have any plans to separate.

I suppose we would both say we could live without a partner. However, currently, we enjoy the benefits of having one and have sufficiently mitigated the downsides. I have read that NTs who are relatively unattached (personality) enjoy having ASD partners ---- lots of freedom. I enjoy that my NT extends my "reach" in the world.

So with a partner I can "right size" to that (pros and cons) and without a partner I would "right size" to that (pros and cons). That's love right?

Did you get the thrill or still have it just being around these partners? I'm not reading it here, is this a guy thing?

I passed up so many relationships cause I didn't have the thrill. Even knowing the thrill may not last forever, I still need it. I thought maybe after we have sex I'd get it, ooops sorry I made a mistake. Then maybe it just takes time to get it, oops sorry I made a mistake. Maybe if we have sex and I give it lots of time, oops sorry I made a mistake. Hurting people, f*****g hurts.

So now, what should I do to build a relationship? I know I have horrible trust as when I did have the thrill, things were very much different. Fireworks at the beginning, middle and especially at the end. Then a depression period that gets longer after each relationship, years of hurt. Karma? So now I have a clue about myself, the next attempt will require best friends with eros, lots of discussion, a decision if the love will grow and ???

The question still remains are ya'll achieving or hope to achieve all four of the greek definitions of love? eros, platia, storge, and agape Attraction, ain't it chief, if you want a soulmate.

I'm adventurous, so in my 20s I pursued physical attractions. After that I "settled down". I turned my adventurous eye towards activities and places.

I looked up those terms "Eros, (romantic love), Phileo, (enjoyment, fondness, friendship), Storge (family loyalty) and Agape (unconditional love with stick-ability)"

I have young children so Storge is big. Agape is achieved. However, Eros and Phileo are anemic b/c I am very stressed out. There was a study that suggested ASD people desire the same levels of Eros but it doesn't manifest, esp. for woman. For me the outside negative portrayal of women during my key developmental years and the sexual assaults and harassment all women in my family were subjected to (by outside forces) was not helpful in this area. Also being discriminated at work based on gender has not been helpful. I try to narrow my focus and enjoy being with my partner and the life I am creating, but it's hard not to notice the outside patterns and find those internalized within myself and relationship. It's a work in progress here. Better than it is worse.

txfz1, I feel for you about ever-lengthening recovery. I experienced that during over a decade of medical hardships. Recently I had a small scare and was near full-on panic --- had to strongly console myself that I would handle it. I've also had work traumas and am in a long "recovery" stage right now (er, stuck). Hopefully "all in good time".

I've never been in a relationship, but I don't think it's impossible for me and, at least for the time being, I'll keep trying to get in to one, hopefully one that will last. I don't really see myself ever giving up on this, but I can see myself not putting in as much effort in the future as I have done lately... but that's probably because I have times when I put more effort in to finding a relationship and times when I put in less effort for it. Like, when I was still unemployed, I put a lot of energy in to trying to find a job and worrying about that, so I didn't really think of men all that much, not in this context. In fact, I think I was the most active in my search for a partner shortly after getting a long time contract at work, so I suppose I don't have enough energy to look for two important things at once... or something?

Anyway, while I'd rather not be single for the rest of my life, it's by no means the end of the world if that's how things play out. Would be nice to have a good relationship, but since I've made it okay this far without one, I know I don't necessarily need it.

I'm not wanting to threadjack so I'll say this and go back to lurking unless asked a specific question.

I read "narrow the focus" as "lower your expectations" and that's the issue, I've tried to lower them and it didn't work for me. The relationships were always missing that something. To me, accepting companionship for how ever long it lasts in lieu of trying to achieve the loves is just using each other for as long as possible. Nothing is wrong with these arrangements, we both voiced our true expectations from the beginning by agreement. The brutal truth is by lowering my expectations, just opens up my options as a male. Women, in general, will become more assertive when they know you are relationship worthy.

No intent of offending anyone but I can fulfill most of the companionship requirements with a dog and that is a true unconditional love that I can trust. I've delayed getting one as to assist in finding the next thrill. When I find her, the first thing I will do is get a dog and this will help reduce my stress. I had my work, my art, my dog, a weekly social group for in-depth human conversation, a monthly pro and I could also go dancing for the temporary thrill. I was very content or at peace but decided it was not enough for me. The main reason for my decision is based my belief I should work to fulfill the requirement for loving kindness, I want to be the sunshine for another person. I understand this is unrealistic in reality but if I work to achieve it, it make me happier just trying and a better human.

Thank you for the honest reply. I wish for your stress level to become balanced and this allows the missing loves to come to you. I'm envious of your good fortune.

That sounds exactly like my BFF. And it's played out both ways for her over her many decades (as I mentioned she's currently in a long-term relationship). Wishing goodness for you.

Teasing: I'm Autistic, it's painful for me (my type) to ask specific questions related to a personal issue. I prefer to trade personal statements back and forth.



I get it. For amusement value, I meant "narrow focus" as in to prioritize my focus. Not letting the 2 out of 10 yuckiness resonate with outside yuckiness so that it feels equal to (or more than) the 8 out of 10 goodness. However, to your point, if I want more goodness (less yuckiness) then narrowing my focus to appreciate 8 out of 10 is lowering my standards.

I agree with you --- find the something. I think that's less about high standards, and more about fitting (together). I am looking for a workplace with the something.

Think would enjoy a considerate man for companionship …. Have been married and lost him to homicide…
Under very bad circumstances and am not very good to engage a trusting relationship, but am able to relate to men on the average much better , as the age group am in wives are not keen on having their husbands talking with a outside woman, it seems . So nowadays my idea of relationships have grown, but with a eye towards caution.
Have gleaned a large body of knowledge on topics that men might enjoy conversing about.
So kinda figured that would be a good direction to go in. But have lost much interest in the Eros part of relationships
And moving onto better stages . If involved in a relationship someday again. Kinda hard to replace a previous pare
Bonded relationship

If, to you, the essential purpose of a relationship is to provide you with "the thrill," then it's unlikely you'll ever find a good and long-lasting relationship.

The whole idea that a relationship exists to provide "thrills" is, IMO, an artifact of modern Western pop culture, and is utterly unrealistic.

Finding a good relationship can indeed be thrilling. But it's thrilling because it is good -- not vice versa.

Searching for "the thrill," as an end in itself, is inimical to the kind of intimacy that is foundational to a good relationship.


IMO, look for someone with whom you are sufficiently compatible. This includes attraction, but also includes a lot more, such as the person's attitudes and daily habits and how they do or do not mesh with yours.

How do you think holding off on getting a dog will help you find a partner?

You need a partner who (among many other areas of compatibility) shares your fondness for dogs. The last thing you need is to fall in love with someone, only to find out that she hates dogs.

If getting a dog will reduce your stress, I would suggest that you go ahead and get the dog now, preferably a cute little puppy. Doing so will make you more attractive to women who share your fondness for dogs, it seems to me. It will make you more attractive both because you will be more relaxed and because you and she can bond around your dog (hopefully among many other things you and she can bond around, too).

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 09 Feb 2022, 2:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

Question: Did you share these interests with men mainly on an ordinary popular-knowledge level or on a more esoteric level?

I seem to have had better luck than you with finding relationships with men (and a few women) in the context of male-dominated interests or subcultures. So I'm wondering what the relevant differences between you and me might be.

The interests I've shared with men have definitely been on the esoteric side.

I only have a passing interest in these things, not a technical knowledge. I know what buildings I like/enjoy I read a lot about them, but couldn't tell you much about them.

Even in my job I find my male colleagues are keen to go off on tangents about certain types of programming etc. Whereas I learn enough to get the job done and to help the client.

Interesting thought Mona. Maybe they're actually disappointed I'm not as into whatever it is.

Music is my great passion, but I never learned any music theory for example. Also I have a dreadful memory, I often can't remember what I've read even though it was interesting. My sister amazes me, if she's interested in something she can regurgitate everything about it.