Is this autism or am I being breadcrumbed?

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Hello,

I am NT and have a brother who had Asperger's (I am aware that Asperger's is no longer in use, but my brother always considered himself an Aspie, so I have used it - hope that's ok : )

I have been online dating over the past 6 months or so after having been in a long term relationship with an NT man for 4 years. I have been chatting with a man who is funny and very interesting for the past 5 weeks or so. I don't know if he is ND or not (we have not discussed it), but he exhibits a great deal of similar traits to my brother - special interests, needing quite a bit of solitude, what I see as some Theory of Mind issues and an incredible intellect. I really enjoy chatting with him and do find him attractive. We have not met in person and live about 1 hour away from each other.

What I have observed in the past three weeks is that we will chat multiple times a day for, maybe 3 days in a row (each of us taking turns initiating), and then 2 or 3 days will go by with nothing - radio silence on his end. I might then initiate a chat - to which he always responds (and quite quickly) and then for 2 or three days it is only me initiating...I'm confused : ( This unpredictable communication is not really a good fit for me. About a week ago I did mention to him (clearly, as I know direct communication is best) that it is very important for me that he initiate the conversation half the time - he apologized and said that he would never want me to feel hurt and that he would absolutely do so. He did it once, and then it hasn't happened since.

If he is ND I want to be understanding. If I am being breadcrumbed...I deserve better. Sigh. Does anyone have any thoughts?

I don’t know what being breadcrumbed means. It sounds like he is busy, doesn’t like/prefer texting, or is not interested in you. Or a combination. It may be a neurodiverse thing, but then again it may not. He may not be thinking anything about it. I can’t say.

Thank you for your responses. Much appreciated!

When he responds he does not seem at all as though he is applying charm. In fact, he continues a conversation as though we talked earlier that day instead of 2 or 3 days earlier. I wondered if perhaps I like talking more than he does, so I asked him yesterday if he would like chatting less and preferred not to chat every day. He replied (and I believe sincerely) that he loves talking every day (his text had an exclamation mark and a heart). It's actually a peculiar thing to say, as we haven't been talking every day as there are those gaps, where if I don't initiate, he doesn't write. I don't want to be doing all the work, so sometimes I don't initiate and then the 2 or 3 days might go by with radio silence. As we have only been communicating for about 5 weeks, I wasn't sure that I should begin saying things that might seem like needy expectations.

I appreciate what was shared and will take the suggestion and find an appropriate way to discuss the mixed messages I'm receiving.

Thank you!

If you're interested in him you should arrange to meet in person. He may be unsure whether you want to. He won't be insulted if you propose a meet-up (I say this without assuming if he's on the autism spectrum or not).

Have you met him in person before?

I know that when talking to someone over the internet you don't really truly know them until you actually meet them in person, even if you think you do. You don't really know what's going on their end, they could be busy with work and family and other commitments. Sometimes online dating does work but not always. So a man coming and going online doesn't necessarily mean he's autistic, it could mean anything. In fact there's more chance that he isn't autistic than is.

Take this for what you will. With my wife I used the "less is more" approach so to speak. What I did was primarily use phone or text to ask her to meet in person or go on a date. The reason I used this approach so early was that I had discovered that daily texts and phone calls with previous dates didn't work well for me. It kinda felt like we would have nothing to discuss when we did meet up. The "less is more" helped me out there. Not sure this works for everyone

I very much appreciate all the thoughtful comments I received : ) We have made a plan to meet for coffee
for the first time tomorrow evening. I agree that meeting in person will add important information and will
assist me in deciding if he is someone with whom I would like to continue chatting.

It is very helpful to me to hear your perspectives on needing time away from communicating with people. For
me, based on past relationship experiences and being NT, I equate having a partner who initiates connection
routinely with investment and level of care and interest. My wish is to be as flexible and open-minded as I can
be, but as an NT, it would be a challenging paradigm shift to no longer equate the two.

Thank you again : )

Are you me? I’ve had this happen with the last 2 ASD guys I’ve liked. Lots of communication (every few days, long conversations)… but they never actually ask me out. In one case, I was corresponding with a guy for A YEAR. I eventually give up on them! But I always wonder if it is a misunderstanding. For the record, I am an ASD female.

I assume that they just enjoyed talking to me and had no romantic feelings for me at all. But, who knows?

Did you ask the guy out, or did he make a move finally? Very curious to know.

Best of luck on your date!

It would seem this person hasn't logged in for over 3 weeks.