Car seat

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So I guess this post is about two things. One thing is about the necessity of a 20 month old toddler sitting in the baby seat and the other is the argument that followed. I'm still not sure if I was in the wrong.

My partner wasn't in the habit of putting the baby in the baby seat. About a year ago I convinced her to start doing it after I had a sudden stop and the baby (who was not sitting in the seat) bumped her head against the back of the driver's seat. My partner was furious about it. She blamed my bad driving. I quickly turned this argument around when I pointed out that if she was in the baby seat her head wouldn't have made contact with the baby seat and in less than a minute she was apologising to me instead of being mad at me.

For a few months the baby used her seat. But then my partner started getting slack. She stopped putting the baby in the seat. I'll admit that I was slack to in that I was allowing this.

I started making comments about how the baby should be in her seat but my partner ignored it. The next day the baby would not be in the car seat. and the next day and the next day. I'd make more comments but I felt like they weren't being taken seriously.

Tonight I decided to put my foot down (on the brake). I pulled into a side road and stopped the car. I said we're not moving until the baby is in the baby seat.

This lead to an argument. My partner said that the baby is already sleeping in her arms and that putting in her in the seat would wake her.

I know that it would not only wake her but probably make her cry since she seems to hate the car seat and the pram (when her mother is around. For some reason when it's just me she's happy to sit in the car seat or the pram).

But even if it would wake her and make her cry I didn't want to compromise her safety. I said "I don't care if she cries, she's going in the car seat" (poor choice of words on my part).

My partner put her in the car seat and the baby cried a lot. I felt like the bad guy. My inscrutable mother-in-law was there in the car with us. I was worried that she would hate her for making her granddaughter cry.

I said it didn't count because the shoulder straps weren't over the baby's shoulders. The baby was moving around a lot and I could see that with the belt only around her waist her head could easily make contact with the back of the passenger seat.

I tried to undo the belt and put her in with the straps on correctly but it didn't work. When the baby doesn't want to be in a certain position (be it car seat, pram or being carried) , she has habit of arching her back and pushing her stomach out in an attempt to escape.

This really worries me when I'm carrying her because it makes me feel like I'm almost going to drop her. As for pushing her into a seat, when I'm trying to push down and she's trying to push up, this puts a lot of force on her stomach and she usually starts vomiting.

We had a long argument and eventually I gave in. I guess my partner has more patience then I do. We drove home with the baby not in the car seat.

I don't really want to force her into places but sometimes it's a necessity. My partner said she doesn't want to make her do things she doesn't like. Understandable but what if, during her childhood as she grows up she has to endure things she doesn't like. The world won't change based on what she likes.

I don't want to sound like one of those "back in my day our parents used to beat us with a sledge hammer and we liked it" parents but I really think that giving kids everything they want isn't good for them. It's not good for adults either. And I'm sure it's not good for me to have everything I want either. An easy victory in everything will leave people (not just kids but everyone) unable to deal with any challenge.

It was a poor choice of words to say I don't care if she cries. I do care. What I meant to say is that I want to prevent her crying but her safety is a higher priority.

My partner accused me of thinking in absolutes. Was this an area where absolutes are allowed?

My partner said my argument made the whole family miserable and I feel sort of guilty about it. She said that she'll start using the car seat tomorrow but she wanted to avoid it this one last time.

If this really is the last time then some good did come out of me stopping the car to have an argument because before I didn't feel like I was being taken seriously when I commented that she should be in the car seat and then she would still be out of car seat the next time and the next time.

My partner said I was only doing this because I "just want to be the king". I don't know. Maybe I do enjoy being in charge a little too much but this is one area where I feel like taking charge is justified.

I don't really want any commentary about how we should separate or about how she's an evil and wicked woman. I get a lot of that whenever I mention her on L&D. I'm not going to separate from her so I feel like it's better for me to learn to deal with parenting our child together with her rather than just saying "she's a badin, separate and live in Aruba".

Maybe I was kind of bad too. I've been in a sort of manic mood for the last couple of nights and I was especially riled up tonight because I got into an argument with a creationist who said fossils are made of organic material, not stone.

I feel guilty about getting into an argument with my partner. Even though we argue frequently this one makes me feel guilty. But I also still feel sort of angry about her not putting her in the baby seat. I'm not sure how I should feel any more.

It is neglect to not have a baby in their car seat. It doesn't matter if the baby doesn't like it, and she probably isn't used to it specifically because she's not allowed to be in it and become accustomed to it. You're in the right for being angry about your daughter's safety being neglected, and you're not being controlling for not wanting her to get hurt in an accident or something minor like you having to hit the brakes, which already happened. Your wife needs to stop being petty and stubborn, and just put the baby in the car seat before something tragic happens and you both regret it (and get charged for letting it happen, which will be another consequence).

Now I'm mad at her again. I felt sort of guilty last night. I was thinking it would have been so much easier to just drive home with the baby sleeping.

I told her it was neglect and she just said I'm sick. I'm sick for being concerned about her safety? Well F*** her then!!

Last night I was talking about how a hard impact to an infant’s head can lead to brain damage or death. She told me to stop talking about death. So it's wrong to talk about death but it's ok to do things that cause it?

Partner and mother-in-law come from a country where seatbelt wearing is not mandatory. I travelled there with them a few years ago. I saw that people there hardly ever wear seatbelts. Maybe it's an age thing too. We're in our 30s and in our childhood things were different. I remember when those seats were only for very young babies. In modern times I was a bit surprised to see people talking about a 12 year olds sitting in car seats. I remember when I was 7 or 8 or 12 associating them with very young children. But science marches on and I'm not in a position to argue with a scientist about their own field of specialisation.

Mother-in-law grew up in a time and place were only high ranking government officials used cars so her attitudes towards cars might be a bit old fashioned. I'm worried she'll be especially angry at me for trying to enforce modern norms supported by modern science.

She's into alternative and traditional medicine and thinks that sitting in the car seat will compress the baby's spine. Well science is here so alternative and traditional medicine can F*** right off!!

I'm sorry for almost swearing but it makes me angry when alternative medicine risks people’s lives. Alternative medicine only cars about one thing. Making money $$$ and they don't care how many people they have to kill in the process.

Edit: Now she's saying I have a "bad attitude" for telling her off about this. WTF is wrong with people??

I hope that I didn't upset you more by being blunt about it. I really hope that you can reason with your wife and mother-in-law. The only thing I can think of is doing like you did before and refusing to drive if she doesn't put the baby in the car seat, and pulling over if she takes her out of it. If she wants to choose to endanger the baby, then that's her choice, but you don't have to be complicit in it if you don't want to, especially when you are the one driving and that is responsible for others in the car.

I recommend pulling personal opinions out of it and following the law. Where I live, you'd be breaking the law to not have a child under 4 or 5 PROPERLY secured in a car seat or booster (depending on size and weight).

Car seat laws are written strictly because doing so saves lives. If you dig into the research, you discover that experts would actually like all the laws to be far more restrictive than they currently are, but are trying to keep the laws a little bit more flexible because they actually do recognize that safety isn't the only variable.

I understand how a parent can feel completely trapped in the middle when a child doesn't like their car seat. Hearing your child fuss and cry pulls at a parent's heart. My son didn't like being in his car seat as a baby, and I ended up riding in the back seat with him trying to entertain him every time we had to take him somewhere. Our other answer was avoidance: we tried to not need to take him in the car at all. Any drive over 10 minutes was a good reason to leave him home with the other parent.

Whenever I found myself torn in a difficult situation, I pulled my head back to the numbers I'd found. Was I willing to let my child cry for a few minutes, or was I willing to risk death that could have been avoided? How do you live with yourself if the worst does happen? But, man, when the child is crying, it gets tough. At least when I sat right next to him caressing him as he cried I could feel he'd survive the emotional trauma.

Outside of all the above, I will remind you that this, too, shall eventually pass. Kids grow up. Needs change.

Of course it's the law but how do I force someone to obey the law? Call the police on her?

I don't think that in the stress of the moment she's really aware that she is breaking the law and, if she is, she isn't thinking of it as being any different than going a little over the speed limit.

But it is.

It's a safety issue.

And willfully continuing to disobey the law puts your family at risk.

As noted earlier, I remember well the emotional turmoil of a baby that couldn't be happy in the car seat. Thankfully, my husband and I were on the same page as to how we wanted to handle issues. We'd talked about all of it and were on the same page. In the moment, it was still turmoil. But I stayed with the plan.

The time to talk about it isn't when in the car, or when you need to drive somewhere. It's when the baby is happily asleep after a good day. Draw your partner out; ask her questions. Sympathize with the emotional dilemma car seat compliance can put her in.

Does she think laws are written to cause problems or in an attempt to solve problems?

How does she feel when she sees other parents intentionally breaking a law designed to keep their children safe?

What is a parent's job, the duty to the child?

How do you balance your perception of the child's emotional needs against risks to their physical well being?

Parents can and do get ARRESTED for failing to follow car seat laws because police consider it reckless child endangerment. It doesn't happen often, but it has been known to happen. Police officers have witnessed accident scenes first hand. While to you and me the risk is remote and intangible, that isn't true for traffic officers.

The problem with car seat issues is that in the moment the only tangible aspect your partner is aware of is the desire to tend to your child's emotional needs in the best way possible. The physical risk is an intangible scenario that feels unlikely in the moment. But it is still real, and a family should make a decision on how to balance it outside of travel moments. Brainstorm, decide on protocols. Reduce the volume of car trips with the child. Seriously, the single best way to solve the problem is to not take your baby in the car. It's the answer that doesn't require either of you to choose between emotional needs and physical risks/breaking the law. It won't be that long before your child can travel safely with a regular seat belt. Rearrange how you do things, and you won't have to have this fight.

When you do need to take your child in the car, allow extra time so you can pull over and take a break when she clearly needs to get out of the car seat.

By the time your child is ten you will have experienced so many near misses on issues you once thought were silly that your blood pressure will never be the same.

Maybe that is the approach: YOUR emotional needs. What taking the risk does to your stress levels. What seeing your child's head bump does to you.

They don't write these laws for no reason.

I told her that if it happens again I'm removing the distributor from her car.

That didn't stop her from having a big argument in which she tried to blame me. I don't like being guilted for caring about her safety. It feels like I'm being punished for doing the right thing.

Not exactly the reasoned, rational and sympathetic discussion I was envisioning. Just saying.

It's almost like you are challenging her to fight you, dig her heels in, and maybe even lie to you. OK, I don't know her or your dynamic as a couple, but if my husband approached me like that, it would backfire spectacularly. This really isn't the right moment to be like that IMHO. As I've indicated, despite the fact that I am a HUGE advocate for proper use of car seats, you also wrote enough about your child's reaction to them for me to actually understand why your partner has trouble with compliance on the issue. Watching your child fighting and upset is agony.

She can't do it again if her car doesn't go. This will keep the baby safe.

I understand your feeling about this-----but preventing her from driving the car would be quite drastic.

What is the penalty for noncompliance where you are?

Why not give her a chance to realize this on her own? It sounds to me like she's been in emotional turmoil because of the way your child reacts to the seat. Instead of confrontation, why not allow her to see the solution you are offering, that leaving the child with you instead of trying to take her in the car solves the concerns of both partners? Remember that it is also in the long term best interests of your child to see you model reasoned conflict resolution at home.

I see what you're saying. On that night she wanted me to catch the train home by myself while she, the baby and my mother-in-law drove home. This plan was interupted because the baby cried as soon as I left the car. So it was decided that I would remain in the car. Had I gone in the train the baby would still have been in danger from the car.

The baby must be at least 2 years old now.

Don't mind me if I use baby and toddler interchangably

I hate to say it but if she is fine with being neglectful when it comes to using a car seat...I kind of have to wonder what other ways she might end up neglecting the baby.