Motherless and craving female companionship

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Hello,

I never had a great relationship with my mum. Her attention was always on other things, particularly trying to gain affections of different men, one of which abused me from childhood to teenhood and she took his side before entering another realtionship with him. I have been non-contact with her since 2015 after finally gaining the courage to walk away.

It's because of these factors I have found myself getting attached to females - not in a sexual way but that of maternal nature. They would be teachers mainly, and I would find myself feeling euphoric, warm, fuzzy and almost giddy when they were present. All I ever felt when my mum was present was empty and helpless. I did question whether there was a possibility of me being a lesbian as a teen (this was exuberated by rumours as I was especially close to a teacher at the time but I was in the middle of reporting the abuse and awaiting a case to be made, and my own mother kicking me out. She was just a guiding light to me and nothing more).

As time has gone on I know I am I am not a lesbian. I am married to a wonderful man. We've been together fourteen years, married for eight and have a daughter who is two and a half. And as much as I love them both I find myself unable to fill this void of emptyness that those women filled. I miss those times of attachment but feel so ashamed that I was so needy with that one teacher who I thought of as a mother figure back in high school.

What do I do? I have tried seeking therapy but I keep getting refused on the basis I am autistic and that it is in fact my traits that are the problem not the one I am talking about currently.

I'm sorry you're being refused therapy because you're autistic.

I certainly understand one desiring a maternal, nurturing figure in their lives.

Thank you for understanding.

When I have spoken about this in the past it always gets classed as romantic love and that makes me feel more shame. I know those attachments weren't sexual at all. It's just a shame those I have opened up to feel the need to label it in some way.

Since you are in the U.K., perhaps you might find a better therapist via the Association of Neurodivergent Therapists?

Anyhow, I hope you find some good friends. There is nothing wrong with wanting a close friend.

There are some other women in the U.K. here on this board. Hopefully you'll have opportunities to get to know some of them?

I have checked the website out and noticed there is no North East of England on there. Thank you for sharing.

I joined a penpal site at the beginning of the year and have been exchanging letters with various people - they're all women as it was a female penpal website I joined and really nice. I am really scared about coming attached though as I can feel it happening.

I'm not sure about whether I'll get to know other women from the U.K on this board. I wouldn't know what to do or say.

To help us help you figure out what sorts of things you might do or say, it would help if you could tell us a little more about yourself. For example, what is your general life situation like? Do you work for a living, and, if so, in what kind of profession/occupation/job? What are your hobbies/interests, if any?

Ah, the questions I hate.

Well, I tried to get into work since leaving school but that didn't work out. I just don't fit in with the employment scene - too little qualifications, not got the brain to achieve them, etc. I'm not great at selling myself, either. It's just not something I believe in. If someone doesn't see my worth why bother? I had symptoms of MS in my adult years and finally got diagnosed with it in 2018. Since then I have done various volunteering placements - mainly charity work but the one thing that has been constant in my life is my love of writing. I consider it work but I dont get paid for it in any way. I have had various business ideas just not got the courage to take the leap. If you're in the UK, then you know the situation isnt good pre wages etc. I don't feel confident enough.

My hobbies and interests include writing, reading, watching YouTube, roller skating, art, creativity, listening to music, Greek mythology, roller derby, bullet journalling or any kind of journalling etc.

I understand you want to work.

But doesn't having MS entitle you to more aid from your government?

What specific genres or topics do you especially like to write, read, and watch?


Here on Wrong Planet, it might be a good idea for you to edit your profile to include a signature line that mentions some of your specific hobbies and interests, to attract the attention of people who share those hobbies/interests.