Hard Time Getting Over a Breakup...

Post Reply New Topic

I broke up with my boyfriend over four months ago. He was depressed and just in a bad place in his life. He basically told me he loved me, but I deserved better.

We've barely communicated in the four months since we broke up, although we're still friends on Facebook. About a month ago I texted him asking how he was doing, and he replied with a YouTube link to a song called 100 Bad Days. Then last week I asked him if there was a chance we'd ever talk again, but he didn't answer that.

People tell me that I should just let him go and move on, but that's easier said than done. I think being autistic it makes it a lot harder to let go of guys I genuinely loved and had feelings for. I don't know what to do.

I relate to this. It's very hard for me to get over breakups & people I've developed feelings for. There may be an OCD component for me but treating my OCD with a med helps my OCD in other ways but has no effect on this. I was very obsessed with my 1st ex till I got in my 2nd relationship 8 years later. I still think about her a bit 20 years later & being in my current relationship for the last 10. We had to breakup because she had issues with drugs & alcohol & I was unstable & suffering from a psychotic depression. Plus our life circumstances prevented us from moving in together for the foreseeable future & being long-distance was extremely difficult for me. I feel like I abandoned her. Perhaps you feel like that about your ex Descartes I tried to learn what I could after to hopefully avoid repeat mistakes in future relationships & turn the experience into a positive. My current girlfriend has depression that is very bad at times & I'll admit that sometimes(or lots of times) it can be very difficult for me to handle. There is a limit to how much I can do to help. We really love each other & both feel like the other deserves better but we know that we'd both be lost without each other & it would be extremely difficult for the both of us to find anyone else so we're highly motivated to stick together & try our best to make our relationship work. Plus I know I'd feel very guilty for leaving her; I'm not gonna up & leave a woman when she needs me.

I really wish I had some real advice cuz I know it's extremely difficult for the both of you. You can only really help him if he's willing to let you. He knows you'd try to be there for him & the ball is in his court so to speak. You have to take care of yourself now which I know is a lot easier said than done. Try to enjoy your life how you can. Maybe reach out more to close family & good friends to help fill the void or focus on work or school more or indulge in some hobbies or do some volunteer work. Basically try to live life & try to get out of the funk some. Maybe you'd meet someone in the process. That said, it's understandable & OK for you to feel sad & dwell on this. Don't be too hard on yourself for not moving on. Too much pressure can make things worse. It's like a form of grief, it's gonna take time to deal with it.

Sweet Pea hugs

I find this extremely difficult myself as someone with very high functioning ASD. I was almost 19 when I experienced my first breakup and it took me over a year before I felt normal enough to go on with my life. Later on, I dated a guy who was much older than me and he lived with my parents and I. I was never in love with him, but I enjoyed the companionship that he provided me and the fact that it made me forget about my first boyfriend... at least temporarily. Fast forward roughly 4 years and I decided to focus my energy on mentoring a little boy with anxiety and depression. I grew much too attached to him and when he moved to cranston, I felt like my soul was crushed into a million pieces. I questioned my will to live on several occasions. Last August, my best friend of 13 years announced to me that she's getting married, but followed that statement by telling me that it was only to be attended by a few of her closest friends who were in the wedding party (not me). My other friend roughly a month ago told me to my face that it's okay if I die and that if I cry at her funeral, God is going to take all of my family as punishment for my negative feelings. So yeah, I get what you're going through completely. Life sucks and people suck. My first boyfriend was transgender and I tried my absolutely hardest to support his decision of wanted to become a women, but it didn't work because he thought I was insulting him when I said things like "You don't have to become a woman for me to love you because I already love you just the way you are." Being supportive to people with mental illnesses can be extremely taxing on your emotional health. I feel a lot of the time like I'm taxing myself emotionally in order to try and help others with nothing in return.

As for my advice, I would say cry it out as often as you need to. I'm not going to be one of those people who says things like "there's plenty of fish in the sea/I know it's hard now, but trust me, you'll get over it soon/you'll meet someone else soon/he's just a jerk who doesn't know what he's missing" etc. because the truth is, those generic lines aren't going to make you feel any better. The truth is that your heart is going to take a very long time to heal. It's different for everyone. It could take months or years before you're over this guy. You just need to know that at the end of the day, you have a nice warm bed to lay down in and plenty of time to cry your heart out as often as you need to until you feel better. I'm truly sorry your heart is aching right now and my thoughts are with you.

Thanks, everybody!

I actually have an update. I ran into my ex and his roommate at a bar a couple months ago. My ex was not happy to see me. When I tried to hug him, he just said, "I'm good." When I asked him how he was doing, he replied, "I'm alive. That's about it."

After that, I went up to him at the bar while he was ordering a drink. I asked him how he'd been, and he said, "I'm alive. That's it. There isn't anything else to talk about." Then he went out onto the patio and refused to come back inside. His roommate came up to me later and said that my ex was in a weird mood, because when he tried to get him to come inside, he yelled at him.

I had a short conversation with his roommate about him. He said my ex had never spoken ill of me, which is a good thing, but he didn't know if he still loved me.

This encounter was a big setback for me and I"m still confused and hurt by it.

It's clear that he does have plenty mental health and other issues to sort out and it will take time especially since he is the only one who can make that happen by choosing to seek professional help and make some decisions.

I'm so glad I've never had a serious breakup and that even though I'm currently in a long distance relationship my BF and I are as much in love as when we first met and he's been willing to put up with all my idiosyncrasies and deep emotions such as anxiety and occasional meltdowns. When I was diagnosed ASD all the pieces clicked together for him and he understood a lot more.

With my emotions as they are I can understand what you're going through and how life seems to be at a standstill for now since you don't know which way things will go. You have to give him some space yet at the same time show that you're still there for him, take it leave it. Wishing you the best outcome at this difficult time for you.

I know where you are coming from because I had a hard time letting go of a crush who was on the spectrum and wasn't interested in me. Believe me, I had a hard time letting him go for several reasons that I will save for a different post. However, when I eventually did let him go, I found out that I couldn't, "Live" without him. In fact, I have learned that I have been a lot happier without him. However, things turned out for the best because he wasn't really dating material for several reasons. One of which was because he battled with severe depression and didn't really have his life together.

It also sounds like your ex-boyfriend wasn't in a good place to date anyone right now and especially if he is battling with depression. It also sounds like he just wants to be left alone for a while, meanwhile please know that it's ok to grieve and it's only been 4 months.

At the same time, remember that you have a life and it might be good for you to stay active by joining clubs, eating right, and getting plenty of exercises.

I am probably the worst of anybody. When I feel something for a man, I feel strongly. I have an extremely difficult time letting go. I followed an ex-boyfriend of mine off and on for 5 years. That has been over 20 years ago. Mild and absolutely no vindictiveness just pathetic. When you can't let go it is difficult to actually get into another relationship that might be better. The sad thing is that I still haven't found that special man and I am 54 years old. I am too afraid to open myself up because when I get hurt, I hurt a thousand times worse than the typical person. I am able to have plutonic friendships quite easily. It is just the romantic ones that are seemingly impossible. They told me I have severe Attention Deficit Disorder at 31 years old but I think I might have high functioning autism. I do neurofeedback which helps with keeping a job even though I am unemployed now. My last job I kept over 3 years and I had another job about 5 years ago I kept over 15 years. However, I desire the love relationship aspect and I am so impossibly bad at it. I like guys but getting into the real relationship is the obstacle. I have the occasional fling here and there but it seems that the guys I really really like I blow it. However, I am very picky which men I like. I am the type that I feel my emotions way over the threshold of appropriateness sometimes. I tend to sometimes get repetitive, but can typically to some degree blend into society, I am good with patterns, like routines, and obsessive (not exactly ocd though). I can also be inattentive at times. I am very articulate. However, nobody has officially diagnosed me except one counselor suspected it. Thoughts.

Breakups can be difficult because they destroy our view of the future. We have (in our minds) a future planned out with this person, and then that is torn apart. For Aspies who don't deal well with change and like to have things in order and planned out, that can be very unsettling. I think for this reason breakups might be even tougher for us than for NTs

One strange thing, though, is when the first serious girlfriend I had broke up with me after 18 months, it didn't really affect me too bad. I have had a tougher time getting over crushes that I realized weren't interested in me than that actual breakup. I hate to say this also, but right now it seems that if my wife left me, it wouldn't really affect me much. I hate to say that, but that is kind of how it feels right now. She has said, though, that she will never be the one to break up our marriage.