Partner’s explosive anger

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My partner is on the spectrum, diagnosed.

He has been quiet, visibly moody and spaced out recently, and then has been flying into these rages, sometimes over something I sort of understand but sometimes and increasingly often over the smallest missteps … things that don’t make any sense or really cannot be helped. Not that it matters really - the intensity of it is overwhelming. Screaming, swearing, stomping, insults and cruel comments, then he leaves the house or shuts down and refuses to talk to me. When he comes back, sometimes hours or days later, he behaves more or less normally but I still feel edgy, hurt and out of sorts, which is enough to eventually set him off again for being too “negative”. Or for forcing him to talk about it before he’s ready or trying to address the moods before they hit this stage. or just for still being edgy in how I look or move.

I have tried everything, but there is no way to talk to him that isn’t the wrong way, and attempts at getting “ahead” of it when I see him getting into a particularly weird/ funky state only trigger it. Leaving makes him mad. Staying and bringing it up however gently doesn’t work. Ignore it? It festers. And of course in all this my needs get buried.

The thing that is bothering him in his mind warrants attention, laser focused attention, and sometimes it really does require addressing, but the root of these rages is not that - it’s often broader existential anxiety or overwhelm redirected like a laser at me or some small stupid thing I do (chew too loudly or put a dish away the right way or something) and the manner of delivery is traumatic and so awful that creates a cycle of anxiety and despair on my part. he doesn’t seem to truly get that this isn’t ok - - that even if he WERE right 100% of the time, this messes up the recipient. Cause and effect isn’t there - whatever is in front of him in the immediate moment when it boils over is the sole cause of the problem, and I’m often that thing because I live here.

I am so very fried and tired. I work hard to manage the chaos and let him get the quiet he needs, but I do not get much gratitude or warmth, and then this critical, shut down behaviour followed by out and out hurtful rages. while I see he is overwhelmed by life of late and suffering inwardly, intensely, for it, and while I love him and want to help, these rages erode any ability to talk. To connect. Anything that might fix it. I know I find myself sort of increasingly anxious and reclusive. I hide how bad it is from friends because he is autistic and deeply overwhelmed and I feel they wouldn’t understand, would condemn him for it as malicious when it’s not, but it makes me feel very alone.

People on the spectrum who have rages, what helped you manage this? Partners of these people … what do I do? What has helped? What can be done?

It is likely he doesn't know or appreciate how much you are suffering. Perhaps setting some sort of ultimatum might help. Like: "either you do something to get help, or I'm out of here." Perhaps if he can appreciate the seriousness of the situation for both you and him, he will be able to see that something has to change.
If you are too forgiving in such situations you become like the partner of an alcoholic who, by continually saving the addict from the consequences of their actions, enables them to keep abusing themselves and others. This is called being co-dependant.
If he can learn to open up about what he is struggling with, things will improve.

I wish you luck.

I asked for a mood stabilizer. Best decision ever. I didn't know it was called a mood stabilizer, but my doc was great at interpreting my request and reasons.

it seems you. are in a uncomfortable situation .... seriously , it is time to make quiet preparations to leave .
And a emergency , " get out now" bag that you can hide and just grab , maybe throw a few necessities into it ,
any meds you take ,clean Undies ,And stuff for stress management . You have described what is well known as a abusive situation . It is not good for you to make mental excuses for him!, in your head.
these things need to be addressed now ! Situation you describe is beyond misunderstandings . Making excuses to stay in the relationship is not a good thing anymore . Safety issues are not just physical , but "psychological" aswell. This stuff will wear you down..... And very possibly affect your ability to reason this out.
You need to be in a "quiet space away from possibility of his issues" so you may think this out , Am pretty sure
you might start sourcing things like availability of womens shelters just incase?
The behaviour you are describing is not acceptable in a interpersonal relationship,especially one that is suppose to be a close one. The issue that you have put up with this for any length of time might indicate that you are entitled to some counseling for yourself .
Ultimatums do not always work, even may backfire.Especially when dealing with Testosterone driven males .
Somehow he has got the idea that he can get away with this type of behaviour in your relationship .
When he has a calm moment , you might quietly but seriously inform him that ,if the situation does not change, you will need to leave for your own mental Health protection. ( No further discussion) it with not help to try to reason with him anymore i feel ,from what you have written .DO NOT tell him of your preparation plans, those are strictly for you . Allow him space to work out his issues aswell on his own . You have already apparently made great efforts to help him resolve this , that time us now past. .
{ Am merely offering advise given to me in a time of great stress and need in unfortunate personal situations}
( and am told this could apply to both genders, no bias intented inspite of wording)

Unfortunately meltdowns are common for some of us on the spectrum & the two of you will need to figure out ways together to prevent him from being overwhelmed by things. I've had some bad rages before. You mentioned anxiety & anxiety & OCD were major factors for me. Trying to find ways to better manage his anxiety might be needed. My anxiety & OCD were sometimes triggers or factors & getting on meds to reduce anxiety & OCD makes things easier for me to manage. I'm also on an antipsychotic to reduce irritability but a mood stabilizer might would help with that as well, if I had to quit taking my antipsychotic I would ask about switching to a mood stabilizer instead. I don't know if he's on any psych meds or not or if he's working with a mental health professional but if he is something needs to be changed or added.

I've tried to work on myself in various other ways & more self-awareness also majorly helps. Me & my girlfriend have been living together 10 years now & she's on the spectrum as well or at least has lots of overlapping issues. We've both had to make major adjustments & learn & understand the habits of each other better to try & prevent either of us from being overwhelmed or taking things personally that were not meant to be. One of my biggest triggers was changing plans & Cass sometimes has to change plans at the last minute due to various health issues. I've really hated waking up early & wanting around for a couple hours to go out just to stay home instead. Cass started trying to postpone plans for a little later in the day if she's not feeling well when she 1st wakes up or is running late. Canceling plans for the day at the last minute makes me feel like the day is wasted & things have to be rescheduled for another day.

My rages were a lot worse when I lived with my parents partly cuz mom was very critical of my various issues & I felt it was impossible for me measure up sometimes. I kept feeling like I was the problem. I'm not sure if your partner feels like that or not but pent up frustration about things could be causing him to lash out.

Unfortunately this may take lots of work from the both of you & if you are unable to simply have a conversation with him about this without him lashing out & getting angry, there may not be anything you can do to get him to change his negative behavior. If that is the case, you would have to either try to just continue to live with things as they are or decide to try & get out of this relationship.

How long have you been with this partner (I assume not husband) and what is your investment?

My advice would be to dump him and not put up with the B.S. any longer.

I hope you managed to get out since posting, OP. A few years ago, I dealt with a boyfriend who did not have autism, but whose anger issues gradually emerged due to worsening depression. There was a lot of gaslighting, convincing me I was to blame for his anger, etc. and I still stuck around trying to fix things. It wasn't until after he broke up with me that I managed to get some clarity over the situation. It can be hard to understand the dynamics while you're actively living them out.

Edit: duplicate post WP won't let me delete for some reason