happiness is a tricky thing.

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Iruka
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13 Aug 2007, 4:06 am

I find myself getting more depressed lately, and its mostly due to my job. I think I'm going to go to working part time, I want to start my own business. If that worked out I could go to working not at all. I want to start a house cleaning business. Wouldn't require a very large initial investment, and theres a possibility that if things went well I could get to a point where all I'd have to do is manage things. I live with my mom, I don't have a lot of bills, so it wouldn't have to provide me with all that much money initially.


Even then, say I get to a point where I can make a living doing paperwork on a business I own. Say I get to the point where the business became mostly self sufficient and I could make enough money to live without having a direct hand in it. I would be happier then I am now, but still not happy.


I've been thinking back, to things that made me feel happy. It was mostly old cartoons. For instance the real adventures of Johnny quest (Pokemon, Digimon, and X-men). I'm going to try and download it but... I can't help but wonder, what about that show made me happy. I may still enjoy it, but something about shows like this really did something for me when I was younger.


What did these shows do to me? Provide me with a sense of excitement? Danger? Make me feel like I could be somebody even though I was just a kid. Or did it have more to do with watching characters who had close healthy relationships with each other? Could it have been the fact that these characters in a show had true friends, a family that loved them


When I used to watch these shows, I envied the characters in them. I envied for instance the relationship Johnny had with his father, or even told myself I'd rather have a dad like Ash... Where I really didn't know him at all.


In life, I envied a lot of my friends. I don't ever remember envieing a kid because he had more money then me (but like most kids I probably did), or because he had cooler clothes, or better stuff... I did however envy a lot of kids because they had cool dads. Dads who let there kids watch saturday morning cartoons (most of the shows I mentioned I was banned from watching as a kid, I only rarely got to watch them). Dads who arn't always angry, and actually didn't mind spending time with there kids for no particular reason.


I remember spending the night at a friends house when I was like ten... I think the kids name was Tim, or maybe Tom (I haven't seen him in many years)... I remember being shocked by how cool his dad was. I was shocked that he spent time with his kids outside of them doing work for him, and that he didn't talk down to them. I was shocked that when we got out some board games he played them too (and especially that he never tried to cheat or trick us so that he could win).


I don't know how to explain it... For a long time I had the idea that most kids did not like there dads at all. Later in life I realized, most of the kids around me actually had very healthy relationships with there parents (except in a few cases, like a friend or two that didn't have a dad).



Its not just the dad thing, every family I see... Is either very tight-knit, or horribly dysfunctional. I haven't had very many healthy relationships (I don't mean with girls I mean in general) since I was a kid. Its really hard to find people to hang out with, who arn't hanging out with you because they can use you for something. I think more then anything else my unhappiness is due to being lonely, I have a lot of anxiety... Its really hard for me to meet new people.


I am starting to think, that my unhappiness, is due to loneliness mostly... I never used to really want friends and people to be around. What I had was always enough, but suddenly... Over the past month or so, it isn't.


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username88
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13 Aug 2007, 9:15 am

I know exactly what you mean, my dad wasnt always the nicest guy either, and he wasnt around much so I never really got the chance to get close to him.
I can also relate to the tvshow thing. Whenever Im upset I find that watching tv shows that I love does the trick temperarily quite well. Usually funny shows like Futurama, Family Guy, (or just all the adult swim shows :D), The Simpsons.. And no matter what Ive found Stargate SG1 to always lighten my mood, its not really much of a humerous show at all, but its so amazing and the imagination put into it is so brilliant that it just facinates me. Also Comedy Central does the trick sometimes, depending on what you watch. Not sure if all this helps but usually it does when you know someone can relate to you : )



cecilfienkelstien
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13 Aug 2007, 10:15 am

I have a horrible Dad too! I was so envious of people when they had a great Dad too. I would watch shows on TV and see a really cool father and I would think "why Can't I have that?" I am sorry I don't have much advise for you as I am kinda dealing with this same sort of situation. I just know how your feeling right now.



Spaceplayer
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13 Aug 2007, 10:18 am

Hi, Iruka, I read your post with some interest, because it relates to a favorite topic of mine, the relation between psychology and art. While I can't offer anything on your specific reactions, I think I can help with your broader question about what it is you like about those cartoons.

I'd like to share this from Ayn Rand's book on art, THE ROMANTIC MANIFESTO, because of your post, and I think it is very applicable to many aspies. In the chapter "Art and Moral Treason," she shares an anecdote about an acquaintance who was living a dull existence. Nothing particularly bad happened, but nothing good, either. Just gray. He couldn't understand why. Then one day, he casually mentioned a movie that he had seen. "...he had seen a certain semi-Romantic movie and had felt an emotion he was unable to describe, particularly in response to a character....who was moved by a passionate, intransigent, dedicated vision of his work....it was the sense of seeing a different kind of universe-and his emotion had been exaltation. 'It was what I wanted life to be,' he said. His eyes were sparkling, his voice was eager, his face was alive and young-he was a man in love, for the span of that moment. Then, the gray lifelessness came back and he concluded in a dull tone of voice...'When I came out of the theater, I felt guilty about it-about having felt this." Why? "'Because I thought that what made me react this way to the [character], is the part of me that's wrong...it's the impractical element in me...LIfe is not like that."

WHY IS THIS MAN SO GRAY? A bit of setup here will reveal the answer in the last paragraph.

Ayn Rand presented her theory of art in a book called the Romantic Manifesto. In literature, she identifies two main schools of thought: Naturalism, which presents a view of the world as it is, and Romanticism, which presents the world "as it might or ought to be" (which she got from Aristotle.) Art, in essence, recreates reality according to our value judgements. As Rand defines it, it's "a catagory of art based on the recognition of the principle that man possesses the faculty of volition." What you see in Romantic literature is people choosing for themselves their goals and the pursuit of those goals. More importantly, if the sense of life in the story is life affirming, you see those characters actually ACHIEVE those goals in this life, not in the afterlife.

Back to your cartoons....some people say that cartoons are not literature, or good, or even art. But Rand would argue. While she made a distinction between serious and popular literature, she recognized the need for such popular literature, even among "intellectuals": "Popular fiction does not raise or answer abstract questions; it assumes that man knows what he needs to know in order to live, and it proceeds to show his adventures in living." She adds: "Detective, adventure, science-fiction novels and Westerns belong, for the most part, to the category of popular fiction."

So coming back to your cartoons, which are very fantasy oriented. Sometimes we "aspies" are called things like "airhead," "space cadet," and treated like aliens on the "wrong planet." Rand was aware of this phenomenon, though not in the austistic spectrum. But she identified a major flaw in the thinking of those who would intimidate a child with those claims, which create the kind of gray character in the beginning of this post. Rand continues in "Art and Moral Treason" about why people abandon their values, that it usually begins with external opposition to a child's values. You talk of Pokemon, Xmen, etc., which feature amazing characters and creatures in pursuit of some goal. The "grownups" will often tell a child that they shouldn't watch these things, because of the fantasy elements. "It is easy to convince a child, and particularly an adolescent, that his desire to emulate Buck Rogers is ridiculous: he knows that it isn't exactly Buch Rogers he has in mind and yet, it IS..."

Rand mocks those adults who do this: "They arrest his value development on a primitive level, they convince him that to be like Buck Rogers mens to wear a space helmet and blast armies of martians...and he'd better give up such notions if he ever expects to make a respectable living. And they finish him off with such arguments as : "Buck Rogers? HAH! Never gets a cold in the head. And you had one last week, so don't go thinking that you're better than the rest of us!"

So you see what you get from your cartoons, people in action, living life. It's not about claws and eyebeams, or Pikachu or Squirtle, but what they represent: a symbolic, larger than life pursuit of what you want life to feel like. And you see the objection you'll get from others. They'll tell you it's wrong, it's stupid. That's because they've betrayed their own values already, and want you to be "like them," because every minute you live your life to its fullest is a reminder to them of their own treason. Hold on to that. Don't be grey. Don't let it go.