I can't tell if it's real

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Hello. I was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. Recently I've been having a lot of thoughts telling me that I faked or exaggerated my symptoms because I have some need to be special or different and need attention. These thoughts have become obsessive and intrusive, but a problem is that I can't tell if they are rational or not, so I wanted to get the opinions of the people on here. Around when the pandemic first started, I started researching autism, as I felt mentally drawn towards the symptoms. I've always felt connected to characters on television with autism, usually before I even knew they were supposed to have it (Abed Nadir from Community, Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock, Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory). I've been feeling really badly recently and I can't tell if my thoughts about this are rational. I'll put down some of my symptoms here.

Symptoms I do have:

1-I'm not great socially with people I don't know. I am not good at small talk, and I dislike it. With people that I know very well I can be very funny and have better conversations. The thing is that I think I used to be better at this before the pandemic. My brain uncontrollably analyzes my past memories to see how I acted and I sometimes recognize my symptoms and other times I seem to have acted completely neurotypically. I find that often in my head I think too much during social situations and I come up with ideas of things to say but I can't always say them or say them in the way I think I should say them. I have a lot of very strange thoughts and sometimes completely nonsensical ones (such as words repeating themselves in my head. For example, one night, the words "John Fordham University" repeated in my head for half an hour. I don't know what "John Fordham University" would even mean, or my brain sometimes feels like a random word and image generator but I can't stop it). When it comes to social cues, there are some I miss and some I understand. I tend to interrupt people in conversations a lot, and I forget to control the volume of my voice. I sometimes talk during movies and television when I have a question or comment about what happened. I also don't like or really understand "white lies", and if people are talking about something I'm interested in, then I talk too much. I don't really smile even when I'm happy. I only smile when something makes me extremely excited, when I laugh, or when someone asks me to for a picture, which doesn't really feel right. I don't care about what I'm wearing as long as it's comfortable, and I don't groom or comb my hair, and I forget to shave often. I'm very hygienic though. People that I'm comfortable with say that I'm extremely funny, but I'm rarely funny around people I'm not close with. Sometimes I say things that others find offensive, but I don't mean them to be. I don't show much body language (as far as I am aware). I've also felt disconnected from others and reality, and this was around before the pandemic, but it was definitely amplified by it. However, I'm not antisocial, I feel more selectively social. Around people that I'm comfortable with I miss less cues, and I feel like I act more normal.

2-I definitely like routine. Before the pandemic my routines were less consistent, but I would write down everything that I wanted to do that day with exact times for myself sometimes. Now I have much more routine, such as having the same morning rituals (getting up at the same time, making my bed in a specific way, taking a shower in a specifically efficient way, making breakfast at the same time, and brushing my teeth in a specifically efficient way. I've eaten pretty much the same breakfast for a long time), and night rituals (watching television, stretching, solving a Rubik's Cube, reading, then listening to a playlist of music that helps me fall asleep. I much prefer routine, but I can be flexible given enough time. I'm just much more comfortable with routine and I feel at my best with it. My brain does catastrophize when I feel like my routine is off, but the feeling goes away after a while.

3-When I was very young (three years old), I was extremely interested in music. I could name a lot of instruments, and I listened to a specific classical music song at least 5 times a day for a long time. I became very interested in math and physics when I was older, and started learning math online. I taught myself a lot of calculus in seventh grade, and I also am very interested in computers (specifically the Linux kernel (even more specifically, the Gentoo operating system, although Arch is good too, but it uses SystemD)). I rewatch a lot of television, to the point where people I know say that I know more about the T.V. shows than most other people on the planet (Rick and Morty, Arrested Development (only the first three seasons, the rest is terrible), Community, Sherlock, and St. Elsewhere). I also reread a lot, as I've read a couple of books (The Hacker and the Ants, The Master of Space and Time, Ready Player One) each over 20 times. I also have played at least 2500 hours on Minecraft.

4-I've always been sensitive to noise. In the first grade, I got headphones because it was difficult to concentrate, but I don't remember getting them after that. Noise didn't bother me as much before the pandemic and my research, but now it does much more. I block out the sound with many methods, and though my ability to deal with the noise has improved recently, it's still not great. I also have a very strange phobia of melted cheese, as the texture bothers me a lot and I used to jump away from it. I have two friends who put string cheese in my water once which was very uncomfortable for me. I do stim though, but I don't think I've always stimmed. I might have been suppressing it or doing it in less noticable ways.

5-I have connections with inanimate objects, and I've had one "comfort blanket" that I've kept and loved since I was a baby that I've given a bit of personality. I also feel connections with many more inanimate objects, and I feel sad for them (rocks, pieces of paper, and more). This can be explained by the video "Odd Asperger's Symptoms You Don't Know (3 TOP) by The Aspie World at the time stamp 6:31.

6-When I get emotionally overwhelmed I tend to make sudden movements, like moving my hands really fast together. Recently I've been smacking myself in the head, which I don't like. This happens when people say a word that bothers me or they say that I did something wrong and I get angry at myself.

7-I have some synesthesia. Specifically I have sound-color and number-color synesthesia.

Reasons I might not have ASD:

1-I have social imagination and I know a lot of people on the spectrum don't. My brain is strong in terms of imagination and I do have social imagination. I can vividly imagine scenarios, although my imagining of facial reactions isn't great, I just assign emotions to people.

2-I'm not bad at understand facial expressions and tones. Sometimes they don't make sense to me, but I can definitely figure out expressions. I do have a generally slower reaction time with this though. I have been described as empathetic by people close to me, which makes sense, but sometimes when I feel like I don't have empathy I get scared that I'm a sociopath or have narcissistic personality disorder. Some memories of my life show that I am good at understanding other people's emotions, or more that I feel them for people that I care about.

3-I was never 'clocked' as on the spectrum when I was young. I remember wondering about it sometimes, but no one ever thought about it as far as I am aware. I feel like maybe I thought that autism was interesting, and that I should have it, which makes me hate myself if that's true.

If there are any questions ask them, but I need to stop these obsessive thoughts and they're making me depressed and extremely unhappy. I feel like I'm making these symptoms up and whenever I start feeling peaceful again my brain goes right back into the mode of "you made this all up for attention" and I can't tell whether it's rational or not.

I forgot to mention that some of my thoughts correspond with ones seen in people with OCD, so that might be of interest too.

While no one here can diagnose you one way or another, your symptoms do line up with ASD for the most part. ASD is a spectrum, but not a linear one. You can not show "classic" symptoms in some areas and none in others and still be on the spectrum.

As for your symptoms that lead you to think you are not on the spectrum, you can be great at reading faces and still have ASD. You can also have OCD (or show signs of it) and STILL have ASD. It is possible, and even quite probable to have more than one condition.

Plenty of people haven't received an ASD diagnosis until adulthood, not being diagnosed as a child doesn't mean you aren't on the spectrum.

Finally, if you are worried about being a Sociopath, you probably are not but I professional can tell you that better than I can.

If you have doubts about being on the spectrum, you don't have to use the label or disclose it to anyone.

First of all, I want to thank you for two reasons:
1) I feel what you feel. Reading your post made me feel less lonely about my diagnosis. I feel identified with you (we have the same age too).
2) I couldn’t explain in words what I feel, but you did. Our cases are slightly different, but I hope more people reply to this post and you get help.

I was diagnosed with ASD on September 2022. Sometimes I feel as well that I faked the symptoms or that I exaggerated them. I started to suspect that I might be autistic after taking the AQ test —I wasn’t expecting to be autistic. Before taking the test, I didn’t know what Autism really was and I thought I would get a low score (an NT score), I got instead 38 of 50 (above the threshold for Autism). But I got obsessed with being autistic because it suddenly explained most of my difficulties in the social area.

1. I too have considered the possibility to be narcissistic or even schizoid instead of autistic. Sincerely, I don’t know if my recent lack of interest in socializing is normal considering that I’m diagnosed with ASD, or if I’m getting insane. Before the diagnosis, I didn’t have many friends (just one), but now I don’t have contact outside my family.
2. It seems that we two have intense interests, but almost from my point of view, I’m incapable to endure them for more than 3 months —maybe because of my ADHD. Only my interests in 1) Alaskan Malamutes and 2) Japanese Kanji were so intense and deep to last almost a year. PS: I prefer SystemD than OpenRC, btw.
3. I don’t have sensory issues, but it seems I "developed" a sensitivity to noise after I started to suspect autism. Maybe it was my brain faking or maybe it was real (I got exposed to an environment that I wasn’t used to, I moved to a noisy neighborhood and started to work in a factory. After moving again to a quiet place and quitting my job, this "sensory issue" disappeared.
4. I don’t do stimming behaviors, or not anymore, or maybe they are very subtle. After all, I have ADHD too.

Also, you say that you remember that some traits were present in your childhood. Remember that ASD is a spectrum disorder, not all people have the same adaptability capacity. Maybe you developed strong coping mechanisms that helped you to pass like a neurotypical before the pandemic. Here, in another WP post I read that it’s common for us (people who get diagnosed in adulthood) to act more autistic after we discover that we are autistic, sometimes because the revelation causes a shock that breaks our coping mechanisms, or sometimes because we are tired of masking and our subconscious wants to unmask.

Sincerely, I can’t say something helpful because we are in the same boat. I have a lot of questions too. But if you want someone to talk to, you can PM me.

Note: I have edited this post several times because of my grammar. English is not my native language, and even if I'm fluent, sometimes I make mistakes like wrong word elections, forgetting to add an "s" in verbs conjugated in the third person of present, etcetera. Thanks to Grammarly to spot some of my mistakes.

Last edited by Niktereuto on 21 Feb 2023, 9:35 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Welcome to WP. I want to reassure you that if you have an official diagnosis, and the diagnosis was done correctly, you really can't have faked it. The diagnosis, when done correctly is designed so that you can't fake it. So, if you have an official diagnosis done by a competent diagnostician and the tests were real, you did not fake it.

Niktereuto, I’m glad that someone else understands this feeling.

Skibum, I appreciate this too but my brain won’t stop repeating these thoughts.

Do any of you know how to either prove to myself that I'm not faking it or just get rid of these thoughts? Every time I get rid of the thoughts they still come back.

Have you looked into Impostor Syndrome? It sounds like that may be what you are dealing with here. It's also common among people recently diagnosed.

Even Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht from Embrace Autism has coined a term for it when is related to Autism "Autistic Impostor Syndrome".

https://embrace-autism.com/introducing- ... -syndrome/

Imposter syndrome is unfortunately a common thing, especially amongst those who are newly diagnosed in one way or another.

At least for myself, I have found that actually interacting with and associating with other autistics genuinely does help deal with the imposter syndrome. Of course, your mileage may vary on that front.

Edit: I should add that my imposter syndrome is somewhat similar to yours. Mine is like my brain sometimes saying things like 'This is all just in your head' and that I 'subconsciously made all this up' and that the 'real' autistics are going to expose me for being fake and I'll just be known as the woman who faked her autism and nothing else.

But like that hasn't happened. I haven't had a single other autistic accusing me of faking or just doing it to be 'trendy' or whatever. So the fact that no one has ever tried to invalidate me and my autism genuinely does help me deal with the imposter syndrome.

Since you wanted a look from the outside, I will give you my thoughts.

First of all, you said you were diagnosed with autism about a year ago. So I would put a high degree of determination that you have autism.

Now I will go over some of what you have written.

You wrote "I tend to interrupt people in conversations a lot"
I do this. The reason why is because I do not know when to enter into the conversation. Most NTs begin a conversation and talk for a few minutes and then switch to something else and then something else. I think about what is begin said. But by the time I want to put in my thoughts, the group has moved onto other topics and I AM OUT OF PLACE. As a result, I tend to interrupt a conversation or I JUST KEEP QUIET.

I also don't like or really understand "white lies."
I am a black and white thinker. But most NTs think in terms of various forms of gray. Aspies define truth very differently than NTs.

These do sound like autism traits. Looking at the other side. You wrote
"I'm not bad at understand facial expressions and tones. Sometimes they don't make sense to me, but I can definitely figure out expressions. I do have a generally slower reaction time with this though."
The key thing you discussed here was REACTION TIME. You are trying very hard to fit in. It can be done but it takes longer. Your mind has to perform extra efforts in order to respond properly.

Then you wrote: "I was never 'clocked' as on the spectrum when I was young. I remember wondering about it sometimes, but no one ever thought about it as far as I am aware."
O.K., Neither was I. But I am 74 years old and many of these labels did not even exist then. You are younger. You are trying to make a real determination. You are considering other alternatives in order to make sure your assessment is true. I may be wrong but I suspect that your original medical assessment is true.

As Niktereuto wrote "I too have considered the possibility to be narcissistic or even schizoid instead of autistic." But from my perspective a person with narcissistic or schizoid personality disorder would actually spend the time to honestly make that determination.

Would you explain what you mean further? Thank you.

I agree with what others have said. But also as others have said we can not confirm the diagnoses or undiagnose you based on one post.

I would advise going back to the clinician who diagnosed you and expressing your concerns.

You can retrain your thinking. I call it thought capturing. It's difficult but you can do it. I do it sometimes. You literally have to stop the thought as it comes and force yourself to think about something else. It's really hard at first but the more you do it the better you become at it, and it really does work.

I agree. I think this is very important for you to do.

It's just that my brain feels very uncomfortable because of these thoughts. Every time I act in a way that doesn't seem autistic I feel as if I'm a fake. It's making me feel a bit disconnected from reality. Have any of you experienced this with an intensity like this?