Have you worked with your ASD children on self-monitoring? Knowing their own stress factors and signs of overloading? I believe that the best way to deal with burn out, meltdowns, and other issues is to live a life that minimizes the factors that lead to them.
Its a conversation I continue to have with my adult children on a regular basis. Making sure they are comfortable in their environments and not experiencing a lot of stress. They know how to say "no" if people are asking too much of them, and know how to stand up for themselves if someone pushes on them inappropriately. Your kids may or may not be able to learn these skills, but the more its been discussed and practiced, the more likely it is they will integrate them.
My son, for example, has a job that is strictly 40 hours a week, despite being in a field where excessive overtime is common. He needs his self-care time to de-stress and get his head on straight. He really likes his work, and he really likes the corporate culture. Those factors also help keep stress at a minimum.
It's been years and years since he's burned out or melted down doing something he enjoys. Things he doesn't enjoy? No meltdowns, but there was a college project he simply never did, and allowed the chips to fall as they may. It was frustrating to us as parents, we believe you always follow through, but he told us the project was pushing him over the edge, a place he knows he can't go. He makes decisions like that on small things all the time; it keeps him even.
Be careful not to send mixed messages. A long list of "must" do things can quickly end up in direct conflict with managing one's own equilibrium. My son's girlfriend, also on the spectrum, has so many must dos ingrained in her mind that she lives nearly constantly on the edge of complete melt-down and has had multiple major episodes that have often taken her months to recover from. Even breaking down, she can't let go of the idea she must do X or she is a bad person.
My son avoids all that by prioritizing his own equilibrium. There are times it is frustrating, but it is something he has to do. My one amendment after the college episode was to ask him to prioritize telling other potentially affected people before he simply drops a ball. I doubt it will be an issue again anytime in the near future; he's got himself set up pretty nicely with work and home environments that suit his needs well.
I will add that he does prioritize his girlfriend's mental state over his own, but not past his own breaking point. He'll take on a lot of stress to help her through hers. There is a balance to be found, obviously. I don't want to give the impression he is self-centered all the time. He really isn't. He just knows where his limits are.
Not sure if this helps at all, but that is where my head went at while reading your post.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
28 Feb 2023, 9:27 am
