"We've got a problem with communication"

Post Reply New Topic

As I've said elsewhere, my experience of people with AS leads me to think that I haven't got that precise condition myself - although I certainly have many things in common with people "on the spectrum", and I am trying to put a name to exactly in what way my brain is different and interesting.

One thing I certainly have in common with people "on the spectrum" is that I vastly prefer things to be predictable - and people in particular to be predictable. I cannot understand why people would ever think it wasn't a big deal to miss a deadline or miss an appointment. If you don't do what you say you will you are untrustworthy. I try my damndest to never be untrustworthy. I am consumed with bad feelings if I ever let anyone down, even if it wasn't my fault.

I feel very offended when people encourage me to ditch my schedule to do something else. I am sometimes impulsive - when you take me shopping, for example, I will tend to want to buy the first vaguely appropriate thing and not be entirely sure why we should continue to "shop around". But always with things, never with people. People are too dangerous for that.

I am not uncommunicative. Far from it. I dream of being able to communicate, but I fail. (Check the lyrics of Peter Hammill's "Losing Faith in Words" for more information.) And then what I discovered - which I find creepy - is that so many people use conversation not to communicate, or to be creative, but as weapons to fight social wars with. So now I generally prefer to communicate through music and poetry, or carefully thought out essays like this.

Some people will convey some information in their written or verbal utterances, but wrap it in verbal gymnastics and rhetoric to attempt to provoke an emotional reaction - usually as simple as "Please like me" or "Please dislike those guys over there who I also dislike" or "I don't like you so I am going to try to make you feel bad". I have gotten into trouble because I get offended by this kind of verbal territorial pissing and prefer to respond with actual communication between equals. Or just running away. Some people don't appreciate that and call me "hypersensitive" or "antisocial" because they don't understand why I don't just join in the fun of the verbal boxing match. Forgive me. That's not what I thought words were for. If people won't actually communicate I'll be here in the corner with my books and iPod, thank you.

Other people don't have a vocabulary of their own to express concepts, so they repeat cliches they heard somewhere else, from some authority figure, or from TV. In both cases, words aren't being used to communicate. They are being used as a badge of where someone's status in the social hierarchy is. It usually boils down to the same thing as dominance and submission signals in dog packs or baboon troops. In response to this, I tend to think: "I am making the hard and nasty effort to make myself understood clearly. Why aren't you? If you won't use words for their proper purposes you might as well not have language at all." (Note: I hope I didn't just offend anyone who prefers to be nonverbal. I'm referring to people who have no problems being verbal but use their talents for evil rather than good.)

Now you see, although this infuriates me, I have learned - through hard lessons - to use both of these strategies myself. I can talk in bland cliches or use words as weapons, though I hate to and it upsets me. I would desperately, desperately love to communicate honestly, to find a shared vocabulary to explain what my world is like and explore how I can integrate it with other people's worlds to create a bigger, more fun world for all of us. But most people don't want to do that.

Humanity has communication problems with the perforated English Language which seems to be dominating the planet.

And a lot of NT's are horrible with language, just horrible.

Even though English is my native language, I must say "perforated" is a great word to describe it. Or, better yet, a Frankenstein's monster, cobbled together from linguistic spare parts. I feel like I should apologise to everyone who's had to learn such an inconsistent, self-contradictory tongue just because it happens to be the language of the dominant country on the globe.

However, I don't think the problem is better in other languages. I know, for example, some AS people love Esperanto because it's straightforward and consistent. But people spout mindless cliches and ape-like dominance signals in that language, as well.

I don't know if it is just a communication thing, or quite literally the mentality I have a problem with. I admit I do have faults, and I say a lot of things that don't make complete sense because I'm thinking it out in my mind, but if asked I can explain. I don't say these things just out of habit or because I think it is what people want to hear though.

There seems to be this mentality in most people-never questioning things, especially when it comes to their own behavior. It's almost sad when people use others as stepladders to gain some sort of social status, and they find that there is nothing wrong with this or don't question why it works or how it works.

I hate generic answers, yet they seem so incredibly common. I find if I answer "fine" to how I am doing, it is generally really because I'm doing fine. But I notice others say it while they are holding back tears, or if they seem really excited, or angry, etc. It just doesn't fit right. If you ask why they do it, they'll never actually give a real reason for it because they cannot. Usually people say it's to be polite, but they don't realize how impolite it is to tell someone you are doing fine when they genuinely want to know, etc. There are a lot of little things people say on a daily basis such as this that drive me up the walls.

I've noticed a lot of people tend to have some prideful attitude as well. Some never acknowledge anyone they find to be inferior in any way to them for the most part, and can find and point out flaws in others faster than you can find them in yourself, but they never look at themselves. Kind of like that social status thing, I really don't understand. Then they gripe when someone walks by and doesn't acknowledge them at all, lol.

People are really strange, and most of this stuff seems to be kind of a natural tendency to do so. I really don't understand how it works because the logic is entirely flawed. Unfortunately, I question and am looking for answers or some form of understanding, and to everyone else it comes naturally for it to work, lol.

I don't know if I was reading into what you were saying correctly, so let me know if I'm way off in the direction that I'm going, lol.

No, I think your train of thought is running along similar tracks to my own. I particularly liked this observation of yours:

There seems to be this mentality in most people-never questioning things, especially when it comes to their own behavior.

Is the "normal" way of behaviour natural to the majority of people, or did they have to learn to be normal just the same as I did only they were much better at it? Sometimes I use the metaphor of "the Matrix" - did most people just never take "the red pill" so they don't see that they live in a false reality based on arbitrary rules imposed against our best interests, or perhaps they see and they don't care because they like their world?

It's probably just as everyone else-they don't want to see it, because that means they might be wrong, lol. Maybe that is why people don't question things so much? If they dig down and don't ever find a good reason, they may realize there isn't anything right or wrong about it so it serves no purpose, but most people wouldn't find that. They would just find that if they weren't right, they are wrong-they don't see the in between. If nobody is able to see the in between, and no one wants to be "wrong" about things no matter how much something would make sense if they questioned it, then that I guess in itself would create the lack of questioning. It is kind of odd at this angle that we are seen as close-minded just because we do not want to talk to every single person we pass on the street or whatever they expect from us, lol, yet they don't question things because they don't want to understand. It is quite a paradox actually.

lol, the question of normal behavior is rather an iffy one. For maybe WE are the ones with the normal behaviors and they just elaborated to make it more interesting-after a while it became normal so that is how things are now done naturally since no one knows any better? How can we ever say what normal behavior is, though-that is where I get mixed up. Most people find a very fine line between normal. To others, I'm abnormal... but when I find others like me, I consider "normal" people odd, lol. I also find it interesting because with how many diagnoses are out there now, is it even possible for there to be a normal behavior? If they took every person and put them into a group of each diagnosis, then made all the "normal" people be evaluated so they could get it straight, would anyone be left that would be considered the majority? Or would we all wind up as equals? Of course, that would be impossible unless they all went to the same exact therapist, as they differ so much in opinion.... hmmmm

wow, I strayed really far from the point there, lol. sorry!

Wow, this is such an interesting thread, and I'm soooo tired today, more tired than I normally am as some other members of WP know I will post long posts all night on a good day...
But, I just wanted to say Doloras, that your posts certainly read like an AS girl, and perhaps you just have a borderline case of it, I feel the same as you most of the time and I'm glad I finally stumbled upon some like-minded people!

I have no idea what any of you guys are talking about. Can anyone explain the objective of the original post in a couple of sentences?

In two sentences:

People with the normal type of brain use speech and writing to score social points and to "fit in", as well as using it to communicate information and ideas.
This annoys me.

Most of them do a bad job at it.

They probably assume you're using it as a greeting. If you can tell something is different (tears / excitement / anger), say "You look really sad/happy/unhappy, what's up". I used to answer people quite literally when they asked "How are you doing?", not realising that they were saying "Hi" rather than actually expecting a 2-3 sentence response. (Oops).


I question everything. It gets me into trouble sometimes (comments of "Don't you trust me"... of course I trust you, I'm just verifying what you've said...). There are such important things (politics, religion) that people have a strong opinion on, but can't explain why. I know who I'm going to vote for, and what god(s) I do or don't believe in, and I can explain in some detail why.

See that is awesome. People like you all here are the ones I would just LOVE to sit around and talk to. I cannot stand asking someone a question that can never come up with an answer. It seems like such a waste. I mean, I'm sure there are things I believe in that I haven't questioned, but I don't realize them, and if I was asked why, I would begin analyzing it right there on the spot with them, lol. I don't mind being picked apart, especially when it comes to my beliefs and opinions.

Yay!

Of course the down-side is the endless questioning of what the "right thing" to do is/was. Sometimes I'll get stuck and it drives me nuts for days at a time (occasionally longer). I'm sure my wife gets sick of me talking when I'm like that

lol, that's okay. My bf and I often have talks about ethics-usually something simple he is telling me about that he learned in his class, we will wind up talking about for 4-5 hours, lol. It's all we do for the most part. I feared that it bothered him at first, but turns out he enjoys it a lot as well

I always think there has to be a time when he is thinking "why doesn't she just shut up???" lol, then I realize, he's questioning my opinions and decisions just as much as I am questioning his If he didn't enjoy it, he wouldn't bother to take the time to ask questions.

The downside with me however, is he cannot figure out exactly where I stand on a lot of things. I believe things from many perspectives at times. It doesn't mean I 100% agree with each thing, but I approach all of the perspectives as facts, and often cannot choose myself which I agree with because they all happen regardless. What I like to question is WHY they happen the way they do, lol.