What does it feel like to question your gender identity?

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I'll try to make this succinct, digestible and easy to read but first I'll briefly explain my own gender identity. I am a man biologically, but I am much different from typical men because I do not embody many traditionally 'masculine' characteristics which appears to be common among autistic men like myself. Instead of identifying myself as a male, or even as a non-male, instead I view myself as a man who does not identify strongly with the 'male' gender. One manifestation of this is that I'll feel uncomfortable when a person addresses me as 'sir' or 'mr.'. In my case it feels odd to be addressed with hyper-masculine pronouns. So I feel like non-binary might best describe me. But I view gender as a social construct anyway so I don't care much about it. I understand many would care more than I do.


When I think of 'what it means to be a man', I don't really think much of it, not because I don't have a million thoughts ruminating through my head, but instead because I don't really view being a 'man' as much beyond what I am physically. I do not have gender dysphoria, and I do not feel like a woman. I don't have body dysmorphia either, so I don't struggle much with regarding my gender identity. What I find more difficult to understand is those who question their gender, not those who have gender dysphoria.

When I was young if you were a girl with stereotypical masculine traits you would just be a tomboy, and you would probably go by she/her pronouns. Likewise if you were a guy with feminine behaviors you would still be a he/him. I believe you would likely identify as a male who's queer. Nowadays due to a societal shift in attitude towards the meaning of gender, mainly affecting the younger generation, attitudes towards gender identity are shifting greatly, which has given rise to nonbinary. Apparently, 1 in 4 autistic people identify as non-binary, me perhaps being one of them.

In short, I actually am somewhat gender confused myself, but I am not gender questioning. I don't think gender is real so I don't make a big deal out of it. In the abstract, I view gender as an arbitrary spectrum. I don't see a reason to care if I'm male, or non-binary, or whatever someone thinks I am, in part due to not feeling dysphoric, possibly? It's like, "yes, this makes sense, but it doesn't matter because all of it is rubbish anyway. It's all based on something imaginary."

However I'm curious to try to understand this from the perspective of someone who's gender questioning and dealing with undesirable feelings as a result of the hardship it brings them. Sometimes I wonder how much of this has to do with a general desire to be something, independent of any dysphoric struggle. I don't need to be something. I just exist. I don't feel like I need to have an identity to latch onto.

I also want to share this video because I found it very interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6MWY6wnpxk

He makes some very interesting points, such as that gender is experienced both externally and internally, and if my internal sense of my gender is almost completely empty, then it makes sense that I don't consider my gender to be important to who I am as a person.

I have like Metropolitan Japanese male characteristics when I attempt to date people.

Idk what it's called tbh.

Very much want to be playful and silly.

X.x

D:WHY CANT I LIFT MY LEG AND PEE LIKE A GUY.D: NO. GUESS NOT.

Hi!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I came out - in my forties - as genderqueer a couple years ago and changed my pronouns to they/she. (Genderqueer as a term fits better for me personally because it carries a sense of rebellion against gender that's always been present for me - and I see it as within the broader headings of nonbinary/trans.) I didn't feel like anything changed at any point for me. I just felt like as our cultural construct of gender came around to a place that felt more like me ("tomboy" as a little kid definitely didn't feel right, although that was my category earlier in my generation). I was surprised by how much I had been trying to prove, and how much of a relief it felt to have a definition. I think it's ok to define what doesn't feel right as well as what does feel right. Sometimes it's a push and sometimes it's a pull. Lots of trans and nonbinary folks don't have gender dysphoria. But - that feeling of discomfort with "sir" or "mr" does sound like maybe a smidge of dysphoria to me...? Only you can know though.
I love that being alive now means being able to gravitate to the ways of describing our experience of gender that feel most right. Nonbinary wiki is a rad online resource, as is this the Pronouns Dressing Room on failedslacker. (Sorry, noob so I can't post links.)
All that said, I firmly believe it's also pretty great to see cis people rebelling against cis-sexist gender stereotypes.
I hope there's increase freedom in your future, whatever that looks like.

My theory is that because so much of gender is socially constructed, a lot of autistic people don't "naturally" pick up on gender as they grow up (just as we don't absorb most other social rules and rituals). As a result, a lot of us feel like we're disconnected or different when it comes to gender, and one way of responding to this is by identifying as nonbinary (or trans).

I always had this feeling of disconnect from my gender, but didn't start identifying as nonbinary until my mid twenties. I just started to gradually change things about myself to present as more gender neutral, and every time I did, it felt good and comfortable. Eventually I tried out they/them pronouns and a neutral sounding name, and that felt even better.

I realized that it wasn't just about wanting to be androgynous- I wanted to be genderless. Thinking about myself as someone who is neither male nor female felt right.

By contrast, my partner (who is also autistic) is a cisgender male. His experience of his gender is actually pretty similar to mine- he says he never felt a strong connection to his gender, and when growing up he didn't pick up the rules of gender naturally. Being referred to with feminine descriptors doesn't bother him any more than being referred to with masculine ones. But in his case, he doesn't feel any particular positive draw toward being considered genderless. So he's fine with being a cis guy who just happens to not be very gender-conforming.

It feels like a rock that broke off from a boulder, and the fallout is never ending.

Gender dysphoria is something I wish on no one.

Questioning my gender is not something I do anymore, as I understand, after a decade of therapy and gender affirming healthcare who and what I am.

My existence as a transsexual is not a means to stick it to the patriarchy, as it may be for some; but personally, it's just a state of being and understanding that I'm different, and being different sucks, but with that said, I take solace in knowing the steps to take in order to live as my truest and most authentic self, despite the world being up in arms against my right to live in peace, privacy and harmony.

For me it's a lifelong journey of misery and pain.

It can feel like a lot of things. But, really the only way to deal with it, other than not, is some form of experimentation, starting with things that aren't visible to others and can be reversed working towards things that are more visible and harder to back out of. After a bit, you should know pretty reliably what your identity is and what you like.

Personally, I went through that when I realized I was bi and since I had assumed that I was straight, it made me wonder what other things about me may be other than I knew. It turned out, after a bit of shaving, that I'm still very masculine, just more of an early 20th century masculine that is a bit more full-featured than the stereotypes that those gender studies majors have tried to force on men.

Mine is just your typical autistic's do not pick up gender social construct norms that do not resonate, drawn to neither genders and that just went along with expressing and identifying as cis gender just for convenience.


Specifically, most people in my life are female.
I am born female. And somewhat ended up spending most of my life with them and therefore be very familiar with them.

So I asked to myself; why can't they all reach my core of being?

So I looked at the other way -- looking how males do and think and act...
Sure the way they live seems more fun and more exciting.. Yet to be around them is also just unfamiliar.
And imaging myself as one of them is even more disonating and alien.

The fact that people around me also seen that I really do not act or think like a cis gender female.
I looked both ways; tomboy doesn't truly reasonate. I'm not merely a masculine female.

I'm just drawn and resonate to neither.

That's how I conclude that I'm agender, and not trans.

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"Fake" trans people aren't responsible for the oppression of trans people, transphobes are. If all the "cringy" trans people disappeared tomorrow, transphobes would still be fighting against the rights of the trans community. They don't care, and in fact they revel in lgbt infighting because it makes it easier for them to further their goals.