Bullying completely destroyed my life

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I am a 27 year old guy. I have self-diagnosed autism. I figured it out a few years ago when I noticed I was extremely different from everyone around me and most of the difference was in the social department. I can look back in my life and pretty much blame autism for all the pain and suffering I went through.

I have been both physically and mentally bullied by hundreds of as*hole bullies so far. It started at home, increased in school, continued in university and in my current adult life. Some of the bullies just went too far, they pretty much made me a human punching bag. When I was younger I struggled to figure out what made me such a target. Now I can see it was due to my severe lack of social skills, knowledge and awareness. In short, I am just ret*d. I don't have the skills and tools to stop someone from attacking me verbally and physically and so many as*holes saw it and took advantage of it. I was also incapable of making friends and that made an isolated victim who had no one to stand up for him.

When I say hundreds and I mean hundreds. I have been keeping count in my head. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. People say forgive bullies and move on but in my case it's just not possible. I used to be a very forgiving person in the past but being treated so badly by so many c***s destroyed my mind and soul. I don't know how to keep living anymore with the trauma. I keep having flashbacks about my painful memories and they keep looping in my head. It's called CPTSD. I can no longer feel happiness and peace. It's basically mental hell. I struggle to have a good night's sleep and when I do, I usually have bad nightmares related to my past traumas.

The mental pain and stress has affected my physical well being too, I now have heart pain regularly and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to give up. My heart has a heart rate of 100 bpm even when I am resting. I have lost a lot of my hair on top of my head and the extreme stress makes my sweat smell absolutely horrible.

I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning like this. I graduated from university two years ago but haven't applied for jobs because I am 100% sure I will get bullied at work also. I am still very socially inept, don't know how to defend myself and don't know how to make friends either. Basically I am still an easy target. I still depend on my parents and they have threatened that I have to get a job in three months or I am gonna be kicked. I don't know what to do.

Karma isn't real and all my bullies are doing well. I checked their fb and they have jobs, a spouse/gf and friends. It boils my blood to think about it. None of them seem to even suffer a little considering what they did to me. Some of the stuff they did even goes beyond bullying and falls into physical/sexual assault category. They don't even feel guilty in the slightest. I used to think about revenge but it's impossible do get back at so many people, plus if I go in that direction I will get prison for life or death penalty.

At this point my life is over. I can't keep living anymore. Every second I breath is torture, both mental and physical. There is no justice in this world for someone like me. I wish I was never born. I keep looking for a painless method to end my life but most of them are inaccessible for someone like me. Wish they would legalize euthanasia for people like me and just let me end this joke of a life. I am absolutely tired of playing a rigged game where I lost the moment I was born with autism.

I could maybe keep living if I magically had millions of dollars and had someone to take care of me. I could move to another country, just keep playing video games, eat my favorite meals and watch YouTube all day trying to deal with the pain. But sadly it doesn't work like that and the only way I will get to live like that is in my imagination.

I am so sorry to hear about how hard things have been for you. It sounds like you have been treated really badly by lots of people.

It is very hard to predict the future. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow you will meet some people who do not treat you badly.

Do you have access to a therapist? I think it would be good for you to talk about these feelings with a professional.

There is hope bro. I know you are in a bad place right now. I've been there many times, for most of my life. But there is always a way out and the possibility to live a fulfilling life. Just never stop trying. One day, who knows, you might achieve that silly thing called happiness. Believe me, this world may be holding great things for you.

Big hug friend. I am here with you.

Sorry to hear that. I think ju jitsu would stop you fearing bullies physically

I feel your pain, bullying ruined my life as well.
I was bullied throughout highschool and even after it was finished when I met those bastards again...
It turned me into a sociophobic hikkikomori who was scared of going outside, it's one of the very reason I spent my 20s mostly isolated and with no social contacts.
It's only when you grow older that you realize the magnitude of the mental damage it did on you,.
Bullying is similar to rape in terms of emotional scars it leaves on victims... Sometimes I have flashbacks of those episode and it's painful as hell even after almost 30 years...
But the saddest thing is realizing that some of the bullies where on the autism-spectrum themselves! This proves that autism-spectrum people are really hell-dwellers, we cannot even classify ourselves as "the good " ones.
On top of that all bullies moved on with their lives, most of them lead succesful lives, they have a wife/gf, children,
important jobs,live in big homes, drive expensive cars...and it's hard to regain faith on humanity when you see this.

I think a lot of people are going to relate to the pain that you're in. It's really your call whether or not you want to forgive them, but do keep in mind that typically forgiveness is about the impact on you, not the impact on them. And forgiving does not require forgetting nor does it require trusting them again. Forgetting and trusting are privileges that they would have to earn if they actually care enough to get it.

That being said, a therapist is likely to be able to help a lot with learning to reframe and otherwise cope with the emotional aspect. I wouldn't personally recommend martial arts as that does nothing about the emotions that you're dealing with. I don't know that it would be harmful, but I do get the feeling that it doesn't really address the issue as most of the harm that's going to be done has already been done and without some way of letting go or at least moving on to something more useful, you're just going to be stuck forever.

Personally, I found attending meditation classes to be very helpful. The meditation center I went to wouldn't even accept donations, I don't know where they got their funding from, but the only opportunity to give them money was to buy one of the few meditation related pieces of equipment they had on offer. (It was one of the countless centers that were founded by Sri Chinmoy if you're curious,there are thousands of them across the world and there may be one in your neck of the woods)

It is worth noting though that a lot of the therapies out there are not great with autistic people, especially those that are in our heads all the time, so make sure to mention it when looking for a therapist, because you'll probably have better results with some form of therapy that involves doing things rather than analyzing them.

xxautisticfoolxx I hope that you can make a far greater recovery from the bullying you was subjected to - than I have done from the bullying I was subjected to.

^ Yep, unless your Emotional Intelligence and Machiavellian skills are better than the bully, they can still f**k with you. Nobody can mess with me physically (as I'll either f**k you up or get f****d up - simple binary equation in my mind), but a lot of people can f**k me over with their mind. My body is great at healing physical wounds , my brain is s**t at healing mental wounds.

I've been through it too, I had been taken advantage of from others who pretended to be my friends and I had been rejected from my same age social peers.

Even Temple Grandin was bullied as much as most of us were. It happens to everybody.

It is part of "The Human Equation" to bully since "Power Corrupts...and absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely."
Self-esteem and personal integrity help to counter this unfortunate aspect of human psychology.

People tend to think bullying isn't legitimately traumatic for some reason. But it absolutely is. It's basically peer-enforced abuse.

Are you seeing a therapist or any mental health professional about your trauma at all? Do you think they offer anything at all helpful to you? If you aren't happy with a therapist you can fire them and switch therapists.
Finding the right help for your trauma and mental illness can be hard and it requires you to advocate for yourself when your professionals and/or treatment aren't the right fit. But it is worth it.