Trapped with a nightmare roommate

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This is my roommate’s bedroom. Now that I have your attention, here’s what’s going on with my roommate and me.

I have known the person who is my roommate since I began high school in 2010. We are both 27. He is the only friend I have left. A few years after graduating college in 2018, I lived alone in another state, where my mom lives. I wanted to move back to Missouri, where I went to high school and college, and live with my friend. We got an apartment together in April 2022, and I thought everything would go swimmingly.

Unfortuantely, I did not realize that living with him would be such an ordeal. He is a massive slob, as you can see in the picture, and I believe he is causing our apartment to have bugs. His room has reached a point where he no longer sleeps on his bed; he sleeps on the futon in the living room and has done so for several months. I have asked him repeatedly to clean his room and go back to sleeping in it. He has repeatedly responded that he will do that. As you can see, he hasn’t.

I would like to go back to living on my own, but the issue is that he would have nowhere to go. Almost everyone in his family is dead; his nearest relative is an aunt who lives about an hour away, and he doesn’t have a good relationship with her. He doesn’t make much money, either; his primary job is as a substitute teacher, and he also works at a game store on Sundays. After his aunt whom he lived with died in December 2021, he had to live in his mobile home by himself, which cost $350 a month. He was able to handle that rent, but he would not be able to afford the $720 rent we pay for this two-bedroom apartment by himself.

Despite all this, I bit the bullet last week and told him I was moving out. He was shocked. He bargained with me, asking if there was anything he could do to salvage the living situation. I said he needed to clean his room and stop sleeping on the futon and making a mess of the living room as well. So he promised he would, and he asked me to leave the apartment on Saturday while he did it. He said it was because he was self-conscious about cleaning.

I left the apartment yesterday as he requested. I went to my dad’s house and stayed there for about four hours. I sent him a message a few hours in, asking him how the cleaning was coming along. He said it was going well. So I came home, and after he left for work today, I peeked inside his room. He barely did anything.

I can’t take this anymore. He does provide some value as a roommate: He drives me places if we’re going out of town because I’m a terrible driver, and he cooks things on occasion, which I can’t do because of severe sensory issues with food. But the negatives outweigh the positives, and I want out. But since my roommate can’t afford to live on his own and said he needs a roommate or else he gets lonely, I’m stuck living here and acting like a parent to him, constantly telling him to clean his room.

I want to remain friends with him because I have nobody else, and that’s why I’ve only really been stern with him once, which was when I said I would move out. I told him at the time that I still wanted to be friends, and he said that we could still be friends if I moved out, but I’m afraid if I push this any further and deliver some sort of ultimatum, it will irreparably damage the friendship. He was already hurt when I blindsided him with my first threat to move out.

I don’t know what to do.

Move out.

Move out. You can still be friends, but you shouldn't live with him unless or until he gets his mess cleaned up.

Tell him that you will not continue cohabitating with that mess.

Give him a firm date by which the mess needs to be sorted, or you'll be moving out. The ball's in his court then, and you can rest assured knowing that either the mess will get cleaned, or you will have given him ample notice of your departure.

A little music, for your inspiration:

It sounds to me like he is not really able to clean up, whether it's for some underlying psychological reason, that maybe is what causes him to be messy in the first place, or because it has gotten so bad that he is overwhelmed.

Perhaps you could approach him as wanting to find a solution that works for both of you and that you can accomplish together, rather than becoming adversarial by giving him an ultimatum or making demands.

You still care about him and want to remain friends, so maybe frame it as how can you help him to get this situation under control.

On the other hand, it's compassionate of you to worry about where he will live, but that is not actually a problem that you need to take on. Is he able to figure out where to live and find a place he can afford? (Like the trailer maybe?) If so, he is a big boy who can handle his own life. You can't make yourself miserable because you are worried about him. And if you do, you could blow up at him eventually, and then your friendship really could be ruined.

I've known people who didn't mind cleaning but really hate taking out the trash. I suspect that they just didn't want others to see them doing menial labor. If you want to stay, you might offer to carry out the trash once it is in trash bags and see if he is more comfortable with that.

In my town, I've been to at least half of the homes at one time or another. I have been to what has to be the most spotless home that I have ever seen. And I've been to some homes that make me shudder. The worst usually have dirty dishes piled up everywhere.

I think my approach works well for dishes. As the day goes by, I put the dirty dishes in the sink. When I'm getting ready to cook, I wash everything. While I'm cooking, I wash pots and pans and anything else as it is available. By the time I'm eating, the only dirty dishes are those with the food in it -- everything else is washed unless it needs to soak for a little while. When I'm through eating, if the dish water is still hot (it's usually cooled off because I tend to eat slowly), I wash it then. If cool, it goes into the sink for later, but that usually amounts to just a plate and eating utensils and maybe a bowl. After all, I like desert, but not immediately after the meal. I usually wait an hour or two for desert. So that would be more dishes and the water would be really cold by then. So a couple of plates or bowls and two or three pieces of utensils will be in the sink, but that doesn't amount to much.

It's not hopeless, but you have to make it clear to him that if you don't see positive results quickly, you're out of there.

It looks like a budding hoarders room.
You’d need a shovel to clear it.That sort of mess will draw bugs ,rodents plus smell.That’s an unhealthy living condition and a fire hazard.
If he didn’t shift it I would.

There are lots of reasons he might not be able to tackle it.

I'll brainstorm

- Poor Executive Function (not knowing how to plan, losing focus, getting overwhelmed)
- Not being able to switch between tasks (sorting stuff vs prioritising stuff vs bagging stuff)
- Sensory problems (maybe the smells or textures bother him like they bother you)
- Lack of latex gloves or face masks to avoid germs
- OCD-types of behaviours (wanting it perfect but no knowing how)
- Negative self-talk and now fear that you'll leave (dwelling in bad thoughts)
- He needs help and can't do it alone (that would be overwhelming to do alone)
- Physical problems bending or lifting
- Shame that it got this bad can cause a shutdown, plus the shame of taking it outside
- Depression (not having the physical or mental energy)
- Not knowing how to organise or clean what he keeps

This all seems like a red flag alert to mental health issues, imo.
Does he have a doctor?

Remember a person's environment is a mirror to how their mind feels inside.
Are you willing or able to help him clean, even this once?

Maybe your roommate would benefit from some inspirational / instructional YouTubers who talk about good strategies for tackling cleaning, even when it appears overwhelming.

I like this channel by Remi Clog but there are many others.




"How to tidy a messy house when you just don’t know where to begin!"

It might help him address any issues with EF, or feeling alone and ashamed because of his mess.

The trouble is that unless you can figure out why someone is letting a situation get so far out of control, all the cleaning in the world won't ever keep it that way.

I agree, but it also seems a shame for OP to lose a roommate who has been his friend, and be forced to move because of someone else's problems. I'd want to try to fix the behaviour as best as possible through education. If there are videos on how to clean up there must be some on how to stay clean. It's all about Executive Function and / or mental health in one way or another.

I'm not suggesting OP be his therapist but it seems there's lots of advice online about how to tackle these issues and make positive change in our lives. I'm really bad with EF and it takes me a VERY long time to get around to some tasks, but a little bit of video motivation goes a long way when I need to get stuff done. Sometimes I'll put the videos on my headphones so I can have a listen when I'm tidying up. For some people, cleaning isn't stimulating enough because we're used to computer screens and music amusing our minds with constant input. Having music or a YT host guide me through the process helps my mind from wandering.

It's just a thought, because the OP seems to like this person otherwise.

I'm not saying the the room-mate is a bad person or that they need to stop being friends either, but with that much food waste in the home, and that it seems to be spreading to shared areas (trust me if the room-mate is sleeping in the living room now, the refuse issue will spread to that area soon if it hasn't already)

And I agree that the behavior needs to be addressed, I just don't think the OP is the one who can help here. I'm also not sure that its a lack of knowing or not knowing how to clean is the main issue here. I will say that I have been in the situation, and it won't resolve until one of them takes some action that causes a change in the status quo - since the OP can't change the room-mate, its time to change something they CAN control and that's living in someone else's mess.

Short of moving (Perhaps temporarily) the other thing I would suggest is having the room-mate hire someone to clean that room up ASAP (before they both end up with health issues, vermin or a possible eviction.

I can't disagree with you. ^

I've been in that situation too, with people who totally lack boundaries whether it's mess or disrespecting a space.

I guess I'm one to talk, because I've always kicked them the hell outta my house when that happens.

My impulse is to go in there with a snow-shovel and get rid of everything, (been there myself and with others) but unless you want to take permanent responsibility for it, the job is never-ending and it still won't solve the problem.

Move out and find a fresh pod to live in. You don't need to deal with his mess. You're not his father or his brother.