"fa***t ass asian b***h"; stuck in a rut

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Yesterday, when I was behind the building at work, an unfamiliar male from the other side of the fence (I was on Home Depot property. He was in the homeless encampment) had the nerve to tell me, in verbally fluent Ebonics, "faggotass Asian b***h Home Depot,"). It appeared that I was the only one within sight or earshot, but I did not look too closely, and he could've been talking on the phone or talking to himself. (He was at least ten feet away from me at all times. I did not make eye contact with him or verbally answer him, so I think he should not have been bothering me.)

A couple weeks ago, an unfamiliar male had the nerve to tell me "I beat yo ass, n***a. Keep running, b***h." (I tried to ignore him, and I was jogging at the time.) There was nobody to tattle to, as usual. (Besides, in other situations, when I tattled to the cops, by the time the cops got to the scene, the perpetrator was gone.)

Yesterday, a day laborer had the nerve to bark "China, China" (Spanish for "Chinese woman" or "Chinese"). I am a Lot Attendant, and I push carts and load merchandise in the parking lot. The security guards are supposed to keep the day laborers out of the parking lot. Some of the day laborers stand around all day long, every day, right at the border of the parking lot. Sometimes the security guards do not tell the day laborers to get out of the parking lot. Sometimes, the day laborers loiter outside the "day laborer" area (although there is no "day laborer" area). Day laborers are so annoying. I have heard the word "Chino" from about 17 different people, and about 14 of them were day laborers. The way they said "Chino", they made it sound like "Chino" was my name. They did not say "Chino" like "Chino" was a racial slur. (I wish the cops would just give the day laborers Trespass Warrants.) I do not understand why the Home Depot manager doesn't just permanently get rid of all the day laborers. (A couple of times, when I tried to sit on the sidewalk outside of a building, or inside the parking lot, to eat a meal or make a phone call, for a couple of minutes, someone from inside the building came and told me to leave. But I was just trying to sit there for a couple of minutes, there was just one of me, and I wasn't bothering anyone or anything like that. What I was doing was "loitering", but there are a lot of day laborers, and they loiter in the parking lot all day long, every day, and store managers do not just "shoo" them away, and I don't understand why.)

Age 24 to 26, took testosterone to transition from female to male. Age 36 to 40 (current) taking testosterone. 36c cup breasts, no breast reduction surgery. Testosterone hasn't changed my appearance in any way that I have noticed. Menstruation less often, and less amount. Voice a lower, but it wasn't that high to begin with, it's not that low now, someone called me "miss" on the phone last week, and someone kept calling me "ma'am" on the phone a couple minutes ago. Mentally and emotionally, about the same as before testosterone. My head appears the same shape as before testosterone, as well as the rest of my worthless corpse.
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age 21, diagnosed Asperger's, clinical depression, anxiety disorder. six out of ten officially diagnosed personality disorders.

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Been working as a Lot Attendant at Home Depot since 2020. Really love not having to constantly interact with anyone (the way cashiers have to constantly interact with someone), working outside (except do not enjoy working outside in the rain, hail, thunder, lightning), and walking a lot. Do not enjoy almost getting hit by a car a couple times a day, tripping on garbage, day laborers, or Tattletale Tom. )

Lot Attendant Tattletale Tom has been trying to get me made redundant. In August 2022, he had the nerve to tell me "Haven't seen you in a while," but I was on lunch. A couple weeks ago, Tattletale Tom had the nerve to bark at me "Hey! What time did you clock in?". "12:30". "Ok, thank you." (Usually, the schedule says that I clock in at 10:00. That day, the schedule said I clock in 12:30, which I did.) (Tattletale Tom has told me a lot of similar statements.
He hasn't done anything against Home Depot policy, illegal, or immoral, but he is not supposed to be micromanaging me either (at least, not any more than I should be micromanaging him.) Tattletale Tom is just another lot attendant. He is not my supervisor. My supervisor is the Front End Supervisor. Besides, I work hard, and I do not just sit around on the phone and talking, the way some other lot attendants, such as Tattletale Tom, Steve U. and Javell do. And when other lot attendants stand around talking or on the phone, I do not bother them. Tattletale Tom and Steve U. are all "buddy buddy" with a lot of people at Home Depot, some of which have termination authority. Tattletale Tom does not appear (to me) to be micromanaging other lot attendants. He has worked there longer than me.

Tattletale Tom did not tell me why he keeps micromanaging me. Maybe Tattletale Tom thinks that I am being lazy because I do not lift heavy merchandise. However, I have a doctor's note that I am not allowed to lift over fifty pounds.(back pain). [However, doctors note aside, I am a 5'3, 115#, 40 year old Chinese FTM. Tattletale Tom is a 5'10, 180#, 54 year old, white cisgender male. There is just no way that I could lift as much weight as him. Home Depot did not (1) list a "lift 100 pounds" on the job description (or any other amount) (2) ask, in the job interview, "can you lift one hundred pounds?" (3) lifting test (4) label all the merchandise's weights on the box Or anything like that. Home Depot hired me as a Lot Attendant in 2020. I did not "false marketing" or anything like that. Nobody asked me if I could lift one hundred pounds, nor did they do a lifting test. Besides, employees and customers keep telling me to lift heavy merchandise, and I have to to tell them about the doctor note and offer to get them someone else. And then the customers have the nerve to bark @ me, swear at, or verbally overreact. A couple times a day.] As a result, Tattletale Tom might have to do more heavy lifting to compensate for my failure to lift heavy merchandise. But there could be a lot of different reasons, and I am not going to ask, and he doesn't have to tell me. Tattletale Tom has a short temper, and I am afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing (according to his standards), he will overreact.

I am afraid Tattletale Tom will (1) misunderstand something (2) exaggerate (3) believe gossip (4) jump to wrong conclusions (5) lie or distort something, and tell the manager on me, and get me made redundant. Home Depot has a progressive discipline policy, and I have zero write ups thus far. Home Depot has a videotape and is audio recorded, but the lockerroom, bathroom, training room, and hallway are not under videotape or audio recording. One Reddit post said that the videotapes are used by the security guards, to analyze illegal activity, and that the managers do not have access to the videotapes to micromanage employees. (I have no idea if that statement is current or correct). Home Depot allows for each employee to get seven (7) write ups, every six months, before getting made redundant. There are a couple of exceptions that are "final warnings", such as unauthorized overtime. However, the training videos say that "as long as you are doing your best, you are always good with Home Depot." Home Depot does not require (1) due diligence (2) critical thinking (3) innocent until proven guilty. Some people's "best" is not that great (esp the "people" that work at Home depot.)

As a result, I have been paranoid that Tattletale Tom (or another employee or a customer) will tell the manager something (because they misunderstood something), and the manager will just believe them, and then fire me. ("At will" employer). Everyone has subconscious biases, even if they are not racist, sexist, or homophobic.

Due to fear of Tattletale Tom, I have been afraid to take bowel movements while Tattletale Tom is working. (Even though Lot Attendant Steve often just sits around on the phone for a couple hours, on the clock.)

Thankfully, Tattletale Tom works Sundays through Thursdays, and I work SuTuWFSA. We only work together 3 out of 7 days a week. And Tattletale Tom works mornings and I work middays. So even on the days we do work together, it's only from 10am to 2:30pm we are together, and my lunch is at 2pm. And Tattletale Tom and I get 15 minute breaks every 2 hours. Also, the parking lot large enough that it is often not necessary to interact with another lot attendant, for a couple of weeks on end.

If I worked at McDonald's (or anything like that), I might have to be six feet away from Tattletale Tom, for forty hours a week. There might be more than one employee as annoying as Tattletale Tom. Tattletale Tom(s) might be my supervisor. As a result, I do not think it makes sense to change jobs, just because of Tattletale Tom.

However, I have been training for Backup Tool Rental. It is just "back up", so I will still be a lot attendant. Also, Tool Rental involves a lot of job skills, and lot attendant does not.

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Last week, my Clipper card expired. Since then, been fumbling for change every time I take the bus. It takes 2 buses each way to go from home to work. 3 buses if I go to a grocery store, pharmacy, or anywhere else along the way. 3 hours roundtrip. Considering working at a Home Depot closer to my house, but I don't feel comfortable *adapting to change* and dealing with different coworkers. Bought a "red" Bart ticket but only one. That's only enough for 7 Bart rides between home and work. So now I have to go back to the store, and it is a little inconvenient to go to the store. Besides, the cashier told me not to keep the Bart ticket near the clipper card, or it would demagnetize the Bart ticket. And it did. But if you do not keep the Bart ticket in your wallet, where are you supposed to keep it?
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zero "friends". In San Diego 2006, a civil engineer, Mister Redelings, had the nerve to tell me that "It is lying for you to ask me to call you 'he' instead of 'she' ". (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission was not until 2012). Until that time, Redelings looked so trustworthy, honest. He was vocationally successful. (I later flunked out of structural engineering. I wanted to be just like him.) San Diego was so homophobic. Someone had the nerve to tell me "I can't tell if you are a girl or a boy. You f*****g fa***t!". He grabbed my wrist and shook me. He did not try to injure me. I tattled to the cops, they made *smoke and mirrors* and he got sent to jail for 30 days. However, (city I live in, 2023) is much less homophobic than (San Diego 2004).

But what I was trying to explain, was that (1) a lot of people were confident that women crossdressing as men as morally wrong (2) those people were really confident (3) some of those precious lil "people" were extremely educated (4) it later turned out that those precious lil "people" were wrong.

Some people act perfectly nice and otherwise appear... perfect... but every situation is different, and sooner or later, they show their "true" selves.

As a result of that situation, as well as plenty of unrelated incidents where someone (1) blamed me for something I did not do (2) blamed me for something I did, that they said was wrong, that was not wrong (3) what I did was wrong, but not nearly bad enough to justify that sort of punishment because other people did the same thing and got away with it. or (4) I didn't do it on purpose, and they thought that I did.

As a result of interactions like that, I gave up on "friendships" a long time ago.

Also, I have some pet peeves. Things I find annoying, that other people do not find annoying, or do not notice altogether. For example, I am afraid of dogs, and plenty of precious lil "people" have had the nerve to laugh at me. Furthermore, plenty of precious lil "people" talk way too much and way too loudly. Then noise pollution comes out of my beak, they half listen and grunt "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me". It takes a *lot* of energy for me to talk.(speech impediments), and it feels like a slap across the face to waste all that energy trying to communicate something, only to get "huh" or "what" in response. I think they should say "excuse me", but that is not going to happen, because I live and work in a ghetto, and Ebonics is the primary language, and plenty of precious lil "people" do not speak English (at least, not enough English to have a conversation).

Since I work at a minimum wage, menial labor, nonessential, BS, any old monkey job, and might get fired any day now, and not interested in any hobby or anything, and not good at anything, and no cash, and no "friends", and no dating, and no "family" either, I really do not feel like I have anything to live for positively.
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been stuck in a rut for a long time

job

"friends"

emotions

financial

emotional

eating too much

40 nothing accomplished.

(I apologize if I wrote the post in a confusing way. Been overreacting myself way too often.)