My depression may come from my mother's side of the family, and more likely from my maternal grandmother, who spent 30 years in an institution, alone, with almost 50 suicide attempts.
My brother is my sisters are all dealing with depression except that they are able to work. It is difficult especially for my brother who is also autistic and for my little sister who has difficulty finding a long-term active life (I've never managed to work in my life, my biggest experience lasted several months).
However, I haven't always been as depressed as I've been for the past four years. I've had strong periods of suicidality in the past, but never as constantly and for as long as now. It is raw, now.
I used to have a special interest in suicide nowadays, but I wasn't personally involved. I was obsessed, I know a lot, I have collected tons of data, I composed a lot of documents and tables but didn't include myself in it, I didn't think I could be concerned by suicidality. When my relatives found out, they wanted to admit me in psychiatric emergencies but the hospital wouldn't agree, because I hadn't attempted suicide.
There are very few places in France, so the experience is often traumatic, and in the end my parents refused me because of my grandmother's institutional past.
When my psychologist found out, she said I'd already been depressed before, but I just had less suidality than I do now.
I have indeed never been happy, even rather unhappy, but it's like I've never experienced "real" depression before.
I couldn't say I was born with it, even with proof of heritability in my family. I was, I think, too small to understand.
Has anyone experienced this?