Worried I'll be alone if I go to cafe to meet someone new

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chris1989
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27 Jun 2023, 9:50 am

I have sat in coffee shops before where people sit and chat but I still didn't get people talking to me except the people behind the counter to whom I paid my coffee for and so on. I've sat in there and had lunches and no one has talked to me and I've sat there on my phone for while until I finish my coffee and leave.

Someone suggested to look at the Chatty Cafe Scheme which encourages people to meet strangers. I even saw a video about it and there were people who thought it was great and met people and there would be others still sat there on their own not talking to anyone. I find myself not going out of the house to just go down to town to just go to coffee shop unless I am down there to get shopping or on a break at work.

I do seem to feel though that I am quite choosy about people I want to interact with because if I were to go to some social group and there are more much older people there it again makes me feel not fitting in. The thing is I always feel as though I aspire to want to be in an environment with other people of my own age (early 30s or mid or late 20s).
But I still will see those people going nearly always in a bar, a pub, etc which I never go to except only with the family on a family occasion.



Jakki
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27 Jun 2023, 10:45 am

Hmmm... understand that thing about coffee shops(Not so much a Cafe)that I used to use a few times a week . And sat , and kept my mind busy doing internet things on my laptop .. Often , I think people do not want to interrupt what you are doing
at least where I went for coffee. And I pretty much gave up on meeting people there.. And sometimes just observed peoples inbetween time on my laptop . BUT it seemed after I gave up .. and some time passed and various people got used to seeing me at the coffee haus 8) And (not necessarily great for health) over time got used to their specialty coffees and a few different drinks. And btw ,used to be a person whom was so interested in the coffee aspect of that drink . Was able to suggest to people what coffees might have a better type of flavour or "notes" of the (smells/tastes)of the different coffees. And occassionally while at the counter , a person might ask what this or that coffee was like .( not very often) but I had experience now to be able to speak about their various flavour types with confidence. And yes this took some deal of time to learn. Trial and error,And the coffee shop was kinda of a second home .
A few days aweek. Might even take my utility bills there and fill them out . It was a secure place for me. Knew most of the baristas,by name . ( but had a very hard time remembering them,shoulda wrote down their names :roll: )
Had to ask so often ,think they ,might have thought poorly of me. :nerdy: . Did not start to get to talk to people it seemed until i quit trying to meet people. This particular place was pretty much special , after a long time i got to know the owner too. :D ....Even daydreamed a few times over my coffee....in that place. It felt safe in there and the clientele was upper middle class normally. But the disaster that was covid came and the owner closed the dining areas .And that was that, It still operates to this day as a drive through .And even some of the same Staff work there as job for over ten years. Please consider , that in other countries, Such as Italy , Barista is a job considered on paar with a Barister or a Lawyer . And often many coffee patrons will follow there Baristas around in the area,even when they change work locations , Just because that Barista knows how to make their cup of coffee :ninja: ,the way they are used to. And can make a good deal of money just based on their tips. btw inspite of tipping these Baristas can be busy, so tips may not gain you extra favour,but they will learn how you like your coffee, and my Baristas were very eager to make the coffee just so ,And i would give them feedback as I was leaving on what I thought of their cup of java they made for me, Or right at the counter as I took my first sip . :heart: . Best wishes to you.


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Last edited by Jakki on 27 Jun 2023, 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

KitLily
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27 Jun 2023, 10:49 am

I found that the best places to meet people are at work, which obviously has its pitfalls. Or at a hobby group, where you are occupied doing something you love, and the focus is not on socialising. Or some kind of educational course, which is similar.


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Joe90
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27 Jun 2023, 1:00 pm

If I went into a coffee place or cafe I wouldn't attract anyone (friendship-wise) either. I've been to a cafe alone once, but I felt very intimidated even though it was a friendly place and it was daytime. But I think it was because there were a lot of families in there with loud, unruly kids, and the noise got to me although obviously I had to just ignore it all and be cool, but inwardly I was feeling edgy and just wanted to finish my coffee and leave. Two girls came in and one accidentally kicked the leg of my chair as they walked past my table. They didn't mean to but the sudden jolt made me jump and they didn't say sorry, just looked behind after they'd gone by and grinned at each other as if to say "I ain't saying sorry to that stupid twerp". So I didn't make eye contact with anyone after that.

Because of past social rejection I lack confidence in making friends unless they make the first move. Well, I know to smile and make eye contact if I'm at a social gathering where I'm directly interacting with people, but that's about it. I'm scared that if I push myself too hard I'll get the "I wasn't talking to you!" or "stop following me!" remarks, which are both hurtful when you're only being friendly.

I'm just mentioning my experience here so that you don't feel alone in this.


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Mona Pereth
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27 Jun 2023, 5:08 pm

To others here:

Chris appears to be talking about a specific program called "Chatty Café Scheme" (see Wikipedia article here), in which participating cafes set up special tables for the specific purpose of being a place where people are encouraged to talk to strangers.

Chris is, apparently, not talking about just trying to meet random people at a random table in a random cafe.


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