17 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice

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I don't know if this is the right place to put this? I thought it might help us when we try and communicate with NTs.

It's like a minefield. I know I've used some of these phrases before, because I thought they were what I was supposed to say, or I meant them genuinely. But apparently these are toxic to NTs.

I wonder if me saying these phrases sets off red flags to them, and that's why they don't like me/us.

17 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice Before Anyone Else, and Why. The key: build a deep, multidimensional understanding of how people use language to inspire particular emotions.

https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/17-t ... e-why.html

Last edited by KitLily on 03 Jul 2023, 10:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

"all due respect" always makes me smile because I remember my boss daring to say it to me one time. I turned it right back on her with "there's no respect here darling".

I got fired not long after that little altercation.

It's so confusing! I think 'so those are the phrases that NTs communicate with' so I start using them but in fact they make me sound suspicious or devious.

I wish people would just communicate clearly!

Toxic phrases

-When someone cuts you down and then goes, "I was just kidding."

- When someone seems to ask you a question and you try to answer them and it's, "No, that's not my question," which goes back and forth.

- "You're too sensitive"

- "You're overreacting."

- "You sure you aren't imagining things?"

It's a minefield for sure! We're not supposed to be blunt, so we try to soften the things we say by prefacing them with what we think is a nicer turn of phrase, but that only makes it worse because it makes us look manipulative or outright hurtful and scheming!

I just saw a great list of gaslighting statements last night.

I'll see if I saved it.

Yay! I did! I wish there was a summary of them at the start so people wouldn't need to scroll.

I heard 100% of these from my gaslighting groomer guy:

https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrases

I don't know, most of these are phrases that a person who has been terribly hurt would also use. This list could just as easily be pointed to by a gaslighter to claim that they are the victim when the victim is begging for them to own up to their abusive behavior and the victim is asking them for an apology.

Yes, because that's how gaslighters roll unfortunately.

I've learned not to phrase my stuff that way when I'm gaslit.

A grey rock approach usually works better.

I don't want apologies from gaslighters.

I just walk away.

Yeah, I heard them all, too.

It's like we were groomed by the same person.

I agree, I don't want apologies from gaslighters either. But someone I am very very close to has hurt me terribly (not on purpose, he is just completely clueless, and probably ASD) and I have said some of these very things to him, not in an attempt to mislead him but because they are literally true. Of course it's more strategic not to say them, but I am not strategic, I only know how to blurt out my feelings and the truth.

But yes, I agree that walking away from someone who is actually manipulating you and lying to you is the best and probably only way to deal with it. Which makes the advice in the article a bit puzzling, since it's not what it recommends.

Other Common toxic phrases

“You should really change xyz about yourself.”


“Other people would like you a lot more of you changed xyz.”

Toxic phrases can also include back handed compliments. For example,

“I love the new dress and think it’s a cute style. It just doesn’t look good on you.”

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but . . ." -- They're about to say something you will not like.

"For such a smart person . . ." -- They think you are stupid.

"We need to talk." -- You need to shut up and listen while they rip you a new one.

"What do you want me to do about it?" -- It had better be "nothing" because that is exactly what they are gonna do.

When you finally stand up to them “Why are you so upset?”

“Why are you mad at me?”

They pick a fight and you stand up “Well, you’re the one with the problem.”

Any advice beginning with the word "Just .... "

"Biblical values." -- Bigotry, intolerance, judgmental-ism, slavery, subjugation of women under patriarchal rule, and conquest by genocide.

"Founding Fathers" -- Racists, sexists, slave-owners, and genocidal imperialists.

"Freedom of Speech" -- Their use of insults, profanity, and other forms of verbal abuse.

"Have you ever been in a relationship?" -- Are you in a relationship now?  If not, why not?

"I am sorry." -- They are not sorry; they just want you to shut up and leave them alone (See, "You win").

"I will keep you in my thoughts." -- That is, until something more interesting attracts their attention.

"I will pray for you." -- That is all they will ever do for you.

"It is not you; it is me." -- It most definitely is you, but they will not say so because they do not want to see you cry.

"Let us compromise." -- Give in and do it their way.

"Let us hang out sometime." -- They never want to see you again.

"Maybe next time." -- Never.

"Make America Great Again!" -- Make America dominated by wealthy, middle-aged, evangelical, white males.

"What do you drive?" -- Do you make enough money to afford a new car?  Is it sporty or practical?

"Where did you go to school?" -- Are your parents wealthy enough to send you to a prestigious university?

"Where do you live?" -- Do you make enough money to live in a nice neighborhood by yourself?

"Where do you work?" -- Are you ambitious enough to hold down a prestigious, high-paying job?

"You are looking good!" -- For someone your age.

"You should follow your dreams." -- You should get a job.

"You win." -- They are not giving in; they just want you to shut up and leave them alone (See, "I am sorry").

What was that supposed to mean?!