How to reciprocate?

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I've had a bad year and I've been very needy, and I'm very fortunate that some people have been there for me. But it made me realize that I'm not sure I would know how to be there for them if they needed someone. I find that I have a hard time figuring out what they might want from me, for instance if they would rather be left alone (when? for how long?) or if they might want me to actively contact them and ask them how they are doing.

I am slightly terrified of taking the initiative to contact someone because I assume I am just bothering them. And indeed I am awkward enough about it that the person I might be hoping to comfort, or help in some way, ends up comforting and reassuring me!

I also have a chronic illness that makes it impossible for me to offer help with practical things like chores or errands, or bringing them something. (I also don't have a car.) But mostly it's the interpersonal things that I'm not good at, like being someone to talk to.

Do you know how to be a comfort or a good friend? If you do, can you help enlighten me, and perhaps some of the rest of us here? Or do you relate to what I am talking about here and find it difficult as well?

I don't reach out to people enough either, but for the few people I do have in my life I've found a few things that work.

I pay attention to how individual people offer support to others and I try to mimic that for them, because if that's how they decide to show someone they care then that probably means that they'll feel cared for if you do it for them.

For example, my mom sends me pictures of things that she thinks I would like, so I do the same for her. My friend is very affectionate and tells me things she admires about me, so I do the same for them. My partner tries to talk me through my problems, so I do the same for him.

The other method is to just ask outright. This doesn't always work because some people won't be open about what they want from you, but take them at their word consistently and they might be more likely to be honest in response.

Honestly, don't underestimate the impact that asking somebody if they're OK has. And often times, you don't even really need to say much of anything, and you definitely don't have to offer any solutions. Most people just don't have anybody around that can just sit there and listen without judgment while they unload.

Then, you pretty much just need to know how to keep your mouth shut about whatever it is that you heard. And if I'm being really honest, you probably don't even need to listen, just appearing to listen is probably enough as they usually don't even want advice. If they catch you not listening, just ask them to take a moment and repeat it, take a thoughtful glance away, before reengaging. Chances are that they needed to rephrase anyways, as often times these sorts of things wind up a bit on the long and rambling side anyways. And even if you were listening, it's probably not clear what exactly they meant.

EDIT: I think this is related to sunshine being the best disinfectant, sometimes just hearing the words out loud in the presence of another person is what makes the difference. Especially if that other person doesn't freak out about it.

I have got better at this with practice. Simply sending a message (calling, using texting, email, sending an actual note in the mail) and saying something like "checking in and checking up- how's everything with you?" or "thinking of you and thought I'd say HI", etc will get the ball rolling. If they have something on their mind, they will generally tell you. If not, they are likely to respond with something like "doing good, how about you" or the like. You can send a picture of something you know they like, a recipe , a poem, talk about a good book or movie or something fun you did recently. Try to focus on positive stuff and look for something good to report! Keep it short and sweet, keep it positive and caring. The more you do that, the better you get at it. Cutting something out of the newspaper (copy paste an article on the internet if you are communicating electronically, or include a link) or find other things you know your caring friends will be interested in. It changes the subject from needing and wanting to sharing something you both can enjoy. It is good for our minds and hearts too, because the more we think about others and look for little things to enjoy with them, the less we are focusing on our woes, our struggles, our sadness and pain. Don't get me wrong, sometimes we need to do that self care, but even little things like a kind word or note of thanks to those we care about and who have shown they care about us can go a long way to build relationships in positive ways.
Cheering you on, a lot of this sort of thing is just building the habit into every day doings.