Boundaries with friends

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I've had an online friend for about a year. She's older than I am and she's autistic, but she's not on any forums and none of you would know her. I've taught her a lot about autism and CPTSD and we have a really tight friendship. She's always really grateful for my input when she's having a bad day.

We've exchanged phone numbers, spoken on the phone, texted, and communicated online including video. I know she's real and she knows I'm real. There's no concern about either of us catfishing or being a bot, or having nefarious interest in the other.

Here's my question. Recently she asked me for my address, presumably to send me something. I told her the general area (country) where I live but I said she didn't need to send me anything and I wasn't comfortable giving my address to anyone, especially online, even though it was nothing personal about her. I referenced a time when she was upset another friend who made her uncomfortable about personal information as well, although it wasn't about her address.

My friend became very upset and said that without "trust" there is no friendship. She thanked me for being her friend all along but concluded that we shouldn't be friends anymore since I don't trust her. I think trust is a trauma trigger for her based on CPTSD, but I can't help that.

I'm not changing my mind or my boundaries but what would y'all do in such a situation? Is it worth explaining to her the depth of my trauma (related to security), or do I just let it go and wave goodbye?

It hurts because I had contact with a lot of other friends through her, and now I've lost them too because I don't have their individual contact info (emails etc.)

It sounds like you already have quite a good grasp on the situation, what's behind it and how to deal with it. I can absolutely understand why you're feeling hurt. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. I suppose I'd like to avoid over-explaining myself and undermining my own boundaries. Do you think there's any chance that when she's had a little time to cool off, she might realise she was being unfair and try to apologise? How would you feel if that happened?

Honestly, kudos to you for handling your own boundaries so well.

Setting boundaries in any sort of relationship is important, otherwise, people will walk all over you. I am also deeply sorry for your losses. On the other hand, she sounds like she doesn't like taking, "No" for an answer. She also sounds like someone who favors getting her way and is throwing a tantrum as a result. Honestly, her overreacting by dumping you is very immature. Honestly, I don't know if I would want to continue a friendship with someone like that.

It's her problem. You know it, we all know it.

Sometimes you dodge a bullet.

I agree. Just let yourself off the hook with that one.

She also sounds like she’s controlling.

Update.

I did get a long apology and a long chat after this but meh. I'm still shell-shocked.

Glad you got an apology! Don't feel pressured into anything. Keep trusting your instincts.

She is either immature or was a spy trying to get your information.

In that situation like that you should meet at a public location that has security cameras for mutual safety. She could just give you the gift there, and then she could earn your trust and you could meet elsewhere.

To be fair no, she's not a spy. She's a traumatised older woman with a big heart who wanted to send me something. I've since found out what that was. I don't want the gift even though it was a kind thought, and I still won't tell her my address. We live in different countries so no, we won't be meeting in a public place or anything. The reason she got so upset was because of her CPTSD. She had an emotional flashback about feeling like she doesn't have friends and can't trust people because they'll hurt her. When I wouldn't give her my address she spiralled back to that feeling from her trauma and it made her kind of paranoid like maybe she couldn't trust me, either. Maybe I was a troll or a catfish or a bad person. Then she had a shame attack because she's made herself vulnerable online and given her address to people when maybe she shouldn't have because those people ended up hurting her. She was hoping I'd be different and could be a "real" friend, the type she could surprise with a nice gift to show her friendship. It really was a nice gift, even though I don't want it.

She knew deep down I wasn't a troll, but triggers work in mysterious ways based on bad experiences we've had in the past. We got to a point where she respects me for having the boundary even though she wishes things were different. She wishes it were the kind of world where people didn't have to worry about internet security, or trolls, or flashbacks from trauma. I wish that too. I had to impress on her that it was nothing against her. She's still sad because she doesn't know how to make "real" friends due to her autism, but I'm teaching her that "real" friends can happen online with boundaries, too.

I thought about P.O. Boxes. I actually mentioned that in the first conversation when she got offended and said we shouldn't be friends anymore. At that point, she saw it as more evidence that I could be fake or a troll. It triggered her. I can understand that. If I were getting to know someone for dating or friendship and had invested a lot of time and energy into building up trust but they said they were going to give me a P.O. Box address, I might see that as a red flag too.

When we talked about it after the first time, I mentioned P.O. Box again but looked into it and they're about $50 / month. That seems steep. Admittedly she'll likely only send me the one thing so I'd only need it for a month, but then I'm paying $50 for a gift I don't even want. The thought of the gift is great and that's all I need. I'm decluttering my house so I don't need anything new. She wanted to send me a box of some of her things that are really dear to her because she's decluttering too. They're the things that bonded our friendship - the things we had in common.

Sounds more trouble than its worth to me.

You sound like a caring person and that is a good quality. On the contrary, you are not responsible for playing her therapist. Her behavior is not an excuse.

Again, you have a right to tell her no