I was diagnosed with level 1 autism 3 years ago along with social anxiety. Over the course of the next 3 years my anxiety skyrocketed in social atmospheres and just regular anxiety. I have always thought that having a dog go with me places would be helpful to me, even as a child I could not see why anyone wouldn't want that. shortly after my diagnoses me and my parents were looking at potential medication or treatment options that would be helpful to me overall, we decided that I didn't need/want any type of treatment/medication at this time.
Service dogs always interested me (as I mentioned), and I did more research. Soon it became my favorite thing to research learn about and think about. It was my hobby. I checked out all the books out on dog's dog training and anything dog related I would read from the library. I printed pdfs on dog training and dog care. I have done a lot of research on service dogs and service dog training (to the point where I have the guidelines and laws printed out and organized).
Because my family is relatively poor and do not have thousands of dollars not being used, I did very little research on buying a trained service dog. Which left one option, which was train my own service dog. I am working on making a training booklet/schedule to train they dog I will hopefully eventually get. I am contemplating training service dogs as a career. This morning I discussed it with my mother who I have informed of my plans since it became something I really wanted to do. We do already have a dog that is unfortunately too old to even think about training because of his arthritis (he is 13). Because I am thinking about this as a future career, I think it would be great to show potential/future customers that I am capable of training a service dog and can prove that to them by having a service dog I trained.
I love my mom and she has given me plenty of things to think about in service dog training. She seems to be very confused about my plan and what I want in it. I felt my plan although it has changed slightly for me is still very clear that I want to get a dog, train the dog to become a service dog. Utilize the service dog as my own well still showing people that I can train a dog. I also want to write a book on service dog training because of all the information I have gathered and plan on utilizing.
The service dog is not a new concept to her, and we both agreed that getting another dog well our current is still alive would make our current dog feel replaced and that if this was going to happen it would be after the current dog passed away. This has been on her radar for 3 years. she does not want another dog after our current, and although she is not adamant those are her feelings on the subject. In the discussion this morning she told me that she was concerned about me losing the skills I currently have by training a dog, and that I am doing well enough in life that she's not sure a service dog is necessary. Well, I understand her concerns and can completely understand how she could see that she is not me.
as I move on from high school into my adult life, she will not always be there to help me guide, me push me, or comfort me. All of these things which I will undoubtably need as an adult potentially more so because being an adult brings on a lot of new challenges that I have to face by myself. For example, driving by myself anywhere, interviews, going to unfamiliar places by myself and much more. All of these things I want to do but struggle to do even with the support of my mother being there. To imagine doing it by myself I don't think I could do it.
it also feels like a rejection every time she brings up that she thinks the skills I have will work instead of getting a service dog. she is always telling me to share my needs and to continue working on vocalizing them in a productive way that communicates what I need. As a kid in school, I was friends with a girl that would later also be diagnosed with autism, but she was diagnosed with Fetal alcohol syndrome (if I recall correctly or something similar to this) very early in life. due to this she was given a tent to go in when things in the classroom were too chaotic and was allowed to go in there whenever she needed a break, along with several other privileges in the classroom. At the time I was jealous that she got these things when I wanted them too, but I was simply not allowed to have them because I didn't have problems that needed that, and I was a regular student.
My parents pulled me and my siblings from school when I was in fifth grade. it has taken years to learn how to express what I am feeling and even longer to ask for things that I sincerely think will be helpful to me. I still live in fear of being a burden to people and never want to take what is not mine. For several months before telling my parents I would secretly look up information on autism because I was afraid, I was just holding on to something that wasn't mine to hold. I was afraid I was just trying to find something "wrong" with me so people would care how much I hurt, how hard I was struggling and validate that.
I don't want to use a service dog if it is decided that I should not have one but at the same time I cannot stop researching like it is an option I have tried multiple times to stop to forget to just stop and never think about having a service dog, but I can't it won't work.
I am sorry this is so long I just need to rant/tell someone my struggles.
31 Jul 2023, 12:06 pm
